NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

[SweetBerries]

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

Morning all. Checking in for Day 18. Will read all yesterdays posts this morning

Ah jesus sorry you didn't get a reply.

Fabulous nk, day 18. Really well done.

I'm going to exercise my NC muscles again today, need to give myself some space away from him.

We've sometimes shared our plans for things we want to do this year? Well I'm going to give Parkrun a go for the first time tomorrow, bit nervous! Will be mostly walking it with occasional bits if jogging I think. Quite excited too, and proud of myself for trying.

Anyone else got things they plan to do for the first time this year?

Morning all!
Don't sweat it @JesusChristFenton it's probably a control thing. Shake it off. You've done this far- one unanswered message hasn't ruined anything. You're doing great x

Belonger

write a book
get fit (currently cant walk without crutches due to spinal / leg issues)
loose weight (though that is now all mixed up with him - how DARE he say 'go to the gym you will have a better choice of boyfriend' ???)
and, oooh, look at my interactions with everyone from a boundaries point of view
things I am NOT going to do ... look up any other old friends on FB!

Well done @Belonger - not tried park run (dodgy knees) but wantvto do something new. Might try Latin American dancing as have always wanted to and somehow he took up so much of my time all we ever did was drink and shag and argue and Work. Oh the possibilities are endless!!!

Have had to message regarding Work to make it clear I won't be squeezed out of my own business - I think he thinks I'm going to give up and cry in a corner because he's said he doesn't want to do it any more.
So I set him straight in that this morning.

Unfortunately have to meet tomorrow to discuss Sunday's Work arrangement and not looking forward to that, but have friends coming over on Saturday night, so I won't be persuaded to cave in and invite him over in the evening which is good.

Good luck and hugs to everyone this morning. Very grateful for the support I've found here x

@Basseting did he really say that??? What a cock!

So today is day three... Sigh

Thank you belonger and Ginger. I don’t regret messaging, I needed to do it before I left and didn’t want to have any ‘what ifs’.
I just don’t understand why he turned into that person.

It feels shit but I’ll get over it.

I can promise that he will never hear from me again.

My next round of NC needs to be about not checking his (or his friends/ex ) SM.

Well done @Enirroc

ginger oh, yes...

here i am, on crutches for a decade (partly due to an nhs cockup)
and therefore substantially heavier than when I was 21...
he knows I am such bits about it it takes me 4 months to screw up the courage to physically meet again.
when we do he says: 'you are still f*able - I still fancy you, but you need to lose weight'. Tries to force me onto some bathroom scales so he can 'monitor' it. Says he had considered making further meetings contingent upon it. So, I go to the gym. One of my feet is not stable (awaiting more surgery) and on my first visit I drop a free weight on it and break two toes. I tell him (admittedly in a jokey: 'guess what I've done now' fashion). He almost wets himself laughing and says he is 'encouraged' I am going to the gym as (better choice of boyfriend remark). This was as we parted last time we met.

When I was young I was very pretty (didnt realise then, look back at pics and see it now). I remember him buying me a £600 black silk velvet cocktail dress in Bond Street (in the 1980's). I have photos. I was thin and I looked a bit like Princess Di at the time (so not everyone's cup of tea but it was certainly his). I remember wearing it that night to a joint works do. He said: 'put a jacket on, everyone is staring at you, not in a good way, the dress really doesnt work'. I never wore it again. Earlier last year he looked at some old very glam swimsuit shots and in every one my hair was 'wrong' or the suit was 'an old rag' (they were designer). So really, it is just a nasty prodding tool of his. But boy it hurts.

ironically although he is thin and still runs he is old, dresses like a tramp and his soul is hardly 'fit' for much

Well you sound worth two of him. He sounds like one of those nasty characters in a jolly cooper novel. You sound like the underdog who'll come good in the end and kick his sorry arse into touch.

Screw him. What an arrogant knob.

yes he is arrogant. always was.
very sure of his opinions (plenty of them too)
there must be something attractive about such surety though?

there must be something that has made 3 intelligent women love him for decades???
he is unattractive (scruffy, doesnt wash enough) self obsessed, awful with money/jobs, quite astonishingly selfish and entirely unable to manage long term relationships /faithless so I cant quite work it out?

Clearly he picks vulnerable women and love bombs them but is that ALL there is to it?

jilly cooper huh?
maybe I should write a book about him?
maybe not though, who would want to read such a misery lit tale?
Perhaps a book about surviving people like him???
nah, I think I'd rather read JC for the escapism!

OldBook (my book is actually about person centered counselling)

Old

Well the thing is he is a TOTAL Jekyll and Hyde.
He can honestly be the nicest man in the world.
The nastiest is usually towards me but I find it hard to realise (certainly in the moment) that I dont 'deserve it' iyswim?
So yes it does help to talk about it here as I cant in RL.
No one really knows we got back together and the few that do think I must be mad so their tolerance is not high!

@Basseting he sounds abusive x

Oldbook don't contact him. Let him initiate the meeting. I'd be expecting him to contact you at some point today to reconfirm the plans.

Jesus sorry you didn't get a reply

Basseting that old friend sounds very dodgy and sounds like he was thinking of you romantically and his wife copped on to it. I'd send the reply that was suggested. Was it Belonger that penned a good reply? Your NC sounds truly awful. Don't beat yourself up about sending them messages what's done is done.

How are you today Belonger Ginger and everyone else.

I'm doing okay. I was in the company of some old friends yesterday (all male) and had a really lovely day. There were a few new people there too and it was nice to be told I look younger than what I am etc. Boosted my ego a bit! It feels good to know that when I am ready for a relationship there are other people out there who would find me attractive, not just him.

Definitely oldhook. At least I can stop romanticising him now. I just struggle to understand how a man who used to drive 400km every weekend to see me now can’t even reply to a message.

bass He sounds horrific. You are so much better with him out of your life

Actually, I dont know if he can be the nicest man in the world or just act it.
There were times, even in my love bombed state, when I thought:
'this is a script, he is reciting this' - he even looked odd, sort of glazed and goofy???
now his face is completely shuttered again.
there doesnt seem any in between. For me, anyway!

Omg basseting he actually sounds like a a seriously abusive narcissist to me, in a dangerous sort of way.

But it's never just about them, it's about us too, what is going on for us that makes someone so vile attractive to us? Can't do anything about them, but we sure can learn more about our end if the dynamic and change it.

Seriously, I wouldn't let him anywhere near you or anyone you care about

Ps if any man ever told me what to wear or not to wear I really would tell them to feck right off.