NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

[SweetBerries]

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

Just caught up . . . this thread is really busy!
Sorry for all of you who are feeling cr@ppy or have broken your NC.
We've all had bad days . . . I did a few days ago (and posted on here and got some support - thanks !)
I think there is something in the air? maybe the way the planets are aglined?

Checking in for Day 17. He's still the first thing I think of when I wake up. Wonder when that will change.

Oldbook do you feel able to share the jokey comments that made you uneasy? Has the time been set for the meeting at the weekend? Maybe next time let him follow it up so you don't have them feelings.

Marley thanks for the tip about the book. Glad to hear you're feeling strong.

NK i hate that I think of him in the morning. And as soon as I go to bed at night. I couldn't sleep until 3am because he as there in my brain even though I was exhausted. In the day I am mostly fine but this is really starting to get me down now that I've not been sleeping properly for nearly three weeks.

I've drafted a short messages to say goodbye when it gets to the end of January and he hasn't messaged or arranged to meet properly. I have literally no closure as he just vanished and won't talk about how he feels. I'm so wounded by how he's gone about things. I will send the message and then I can delete him and move on with my life properly. I think the fact he's still there on my phone, he really should ask to see me if he's decent etc is what's keeping it alive in my head.

What a busy thread! And what an amazingly strong and supportive and encouraging group of women.

Checking in on day none again, I'm continuing in touch with my 'NC' guy. Yesterday our chat was a bit constant and he's very keen to resume a relationship, but it's not what I want so I'm going to try and be a bit more low contact today to reset things and keep my distance. It's really interesting, he said something about him needing to move on and forget about it - when usually it's been me thinking I need to do that. It feels the shoe is on the other foot at the moment.

Have been reading about addiction in terms of computer games and social media, really interesting - will post some bits from it when I get time later. So interesting how much people know about what makes an activity addictive and how much of it I can relate to relationships.

Good luck today everyone

What's keeping you from dumping him appella? I'm not sure why you are waiting for him to contact you. Do you want to give him another chance?

Something to remember

ginger I was just reading your link. Thank you!!!

The word 'narcissist' is bandied about, but the actual definition is interesting:

"1.have a grandiose sense of self-importance

1. have a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
2. are interpersonally exploitative, i.e., taking advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

So MY NC ticks all 3 boxes with a vengeance.
He has also had various MH dx over the years.

I WISH I had not sent the msg re ds/business.
I WISH I had left the last contact being his HB text.

Bugger. Bugger. Bugger.

appella
I travelled 350 miles to see my NC to ask 'why'?
He lay on my hotel bed with his eyes shut and a pained expression.
I got not a single word out of him, not a single look in my direction. When I pointed out that this was not a 'conversation' he said; 'I am listening'. When I said I was waiting for an apology for the lack of even a HC greeting he said: 'why? anyway, a forced apology is worthless'.
Even if he had produced some more flowery (normal???) responses, that is what he would have been feeling inside.

It is not 'me'. This is what he did to his wife, to his ex of 20 years.
It is all he is capable of actually. There is no real structure inside him.
But I let him do it to me too

The closure myth...

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-10-thou-must-close-the-door-and-move-forward/

I did end it on the phone last week. But he said he wanted to see me and talk properly. That hasn't happened. He said he wouldn't delete me because he isn't 'a child' and I don't want to disappear and him think I'm hurt and being petty when really it's just be accepting that things are over. No chance of me taking him back given how he's behaving!! I don't know why I'm struggling so much in terms of the sleep etc, maybe I'm finding it harder than I realise. We got together really quickly after my last relationship ended (long term, wedding venue booked etc) so it's sort of a double whammy in terms of processing things...

A double whammy IS hard.
I (re) met HIM just after I walked away from my 20 yr marriage (which had really been 'over' for a long time)

I was vulnerable. I knew I was. I told him I was. He told me not to be so self indulgent. I now think it was probably like catnip to him? Bleurgh!

HE also stays 'friends' with all his ex'es apparantly.
He said: 'but we are friends, arent we?'
What sort of friend behaves like that?

I'm loving the articles here. So very helpful

Thanks @Belonger for the 'closure myth'

Really hitting some notes for me there.

I especially liked: 'If loving him means that you can’t love you, you must always opt out and love you. Trust me, you’ll thank me for it in the long run.'

I have opted out to love me. Something I've never done in a relationship. I've always over invested myself - a relationship martyr if you will. The scales are slowly starting to fall from my eyes and I'm starting to understand it's not selfish to be selfish.

Thankyou all so much for this thread. It's getting me through. We're not NC because there's still a lot of ironing out to do eith regards to Work and the business but I feel a lot less tearful and emotional (right now, at least!) BUT when we are in contact I'm keeping it cordial, neutral and unemotional.

The emotions come and go and evenings are the worst but I right now, I'm ok. Not great, but ok. And that's good enough for now.

Ffs he's just gone and deleted a load of stuff out of the shared work diary because I just bought an iMac from my BIL (don't know him well but also a photographer) who he thinks is interested in me. He's not and I'm not and even if I was I wouldn't be going down that road anyway because, you know, been there, done that. This is from a guy who put a profile on pof 3 months before we separated and shagged some one else, whilst house-sitting for his sister (we were still together). I guess he's judging me by his own low standards.

I have politely replied that if I was dating so soon I would not be so crass as to put it in a shared work diary.

God - no wonder we're separated. Toxic central. Sorry all. Just needed to vent.

Oh bassetting and ginger, that sounds so much like me x

The dangers of trying to stay friends

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-ten-commandments-of-coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-series/

@Belonger I completely relate to my own feelings towards this guy as addictive. I am a recovering addict (sober since September 2016) and the feelings, impulses, relapses, shame etc all fit the framework of how I used to experience alcohol.

It seems like my addiction has hopped from alcohol to this

Have you read or watched anything by Gabor Mate on addiction? I love his work, he's very compassionate

Day 2. Trying to keep busy and stay focussed on moving forwards. I've made myself a trello list of the things I need to start doing again to get well (I am a list dork!):

• Start meditating again
• Avoid listening to certain songs
• Plan self care, fun projects for the afternoon I used to keep clear to see him
• Write in journal again - especially trying to write about what I want for myself (instead of always focusing on other people and what they might be thinking)
• If intrusive thoughts are really bad, a rubber band round my wrist! (Did this last time and it worked - also helped me to equate my feelings towards him with shame and self harm, which they actually are)

Sending you all 💪🏼 and 💐

No I haven't read anything by him but I'll check it out, thanks!

Ffs just got back from a meeting with a client who was at a networking event I attended with my now ex last Friday and apparently he was intimating that he's the 'professional' photographer and I'm more of a part-time hobbyist.

What an absolute cock. Am so pleased I'm following through with my choice to part. Im done with being undermined and minimised and belittled.

But I'm NOT going to confront it because he will stonewall, deny and gaslight as usual, and leave me angry, frustrated and wrongfooted.

Dignified, calm and neutral.

But honestly, what a fucking arsehole.