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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

999 replies

SweetBerries · 08/01/2018 22:03

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/01/2018 20:54

I don't know what is wrong with me this evening I feel sick. Really really struggling today

humanfemale · 17/01/2018 20:56

I've heard and read that one shouldn't allow oneself to be too affected by praise or criticism from a third party. We should, instead, be calm and strong in the knowledge of our own self worth.

This is so wise, getting, and exactly what we need to be concentrating on next.

I was depending on him for validation and just wasn’t getting what I needed at all. My self esteem is so low right now, I just feel worthless.

I can’t even blame him for bad behaviour - I think the bottom line is he is unavailable. But there is something about him that has completely obsessed me. ‘Better’ men have come and gone, and I haven’t even turned my head.

There is just no way that I could ever be in a healthy relationship with this man, even if he was available and interested - it’s just all obsession, projection and fantasy.

He (as far as I’m concerned) is literally the manifestation of my own damaged self esteem.

I am so sad not to have that fantasy any more though.

Hope this doesn’t sound completely Confused! I'm just trying to get it all out and make sense of this mess I'm in.

Thanks
humanfemale · 17/01/2018 20:57

Really sorry you're struggling, NK. Your comments on this thread have been so amazing and supportive Thanks

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/01/2018 21:02

Thanks Human. That's a lovely thing to say.

Was your lad very badly behaved towards You?

humanfemale · 17/01/2018 21:06

No he really didn't behave badly at all. He just wasn't that interested. Whereas I literally think of nothing but him Sad

Have you got anything nice you can do for yourself tonight, NK? Feels like you need some self care x

OldBook · 17/01/2018 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingergenius · 17/01/2018 21:10

You are all so lovely. My heart goes out to all of you. But every day we do this, we get better. We reestablish boundaries, we value ourselves, we stop allowing ourselves to be treated badly.

It's the fear that gets me. The fear of standing up for myself instead of running to him and telling him we can be together and swallowing all the bullshit he dishes out again until I explode. It's the fear of abandonment. God my lack of self worth is appalling.

anxiousnow · 17/01/2018 21:14

Sorry you feel sick NK

I think they do think of us and the NC but then push it out of their head as in 'not bovv'd'

anxiousnow · 17/01/2018 21:17

I also think pmt makes it worse. Some of my craziest moments. A friend bought me some evening primrose to try and help control the low mood. Have you tried it? NK

Bassetting so glad the song link didn't send!!
ginger I think that is why we are all here. Issues with self worth. Is there anything you have in mind to help that? I find exercise helps a lot with loud music.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/01/2018 21:29

Thanks ladies. Your support means a lot. Think I'll go to bed fairly early and get a good night sleep. Must try Evening of Primrose

Itsalottery · 17/01/2018 21:31

Oh dear. I broke :(. Good news is that although it made me a bit sad it was not like the sadness of before. What an idiot I am.

gingergenius · 17/01/2018 21:32

I find my uni course is really helping me to realise I AM worth something. Massively out of my comfort zone but in a good way. I enjoy pushing myself creatively.

I suspect that's why things devolved so badly (he's a photographer who taught me and we've worked/been together 6 years). I suspect me starting this course has changed our dynamic and he hasn't liked me moving from my role as his 'protégée'

My course is what keeps me focussed and determined. And I've just bought myself an iMac from my BIL - who needs a man when you can have an Apple? So am enjoying playing with my new toy!!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/01/2018 21:41

Did he reply Itsa?

You sound very upbeat Ginger

Itsalottery · 17/01/2018 21:43

He did nk but just crumbs. It was as expected really.

Oakleygirl · 17/01/2018 21:53

Hi everyone. Hope you're feeling a bit better Nk?

Just a quick update from me.....I was on 4 days NC when I last updated but have been lying low as in a weak moment I messaged him....not expecting a reply but, he did... just to say he was ok but wanted to be alone but still stay friends. An explanation for his fading interest seemed to give me strength somehow, and I'm pleased to say on day 9 of NC now.

I'm struggling, don't get me wrong, I miss him so much....but I seem to be a bit better every day, and hopefully this will continue. I still hope he will miss me and come back, but realistically I know he won't. It takes time, I just want to wake up having forgotten all about him. Sad

Basseting · 17/01/2018 21:55

Hello humanfemale and welcome.

I am off to bed. Cant believe I emailed Mon re ds and texted this am and no reply so far. What a shitty person he is. Really. Ooof.

Night all. Onwards and upwards.x

OldBook · 17/01/2018 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsalottery · 17/01/2018 22:08

You're exactly right oldbook I felt like I had to do It, I had a fairly good reason to do it and needed the crumbs to shut the book. And you're right, it's still really tough.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/01/2018 22:10

Itsa at least he replied even if it was just crumbs. It is tough tough tough

tiru18 · 17/01/2018 22:11

End of day 2 for me, feel I’ve got a very long way to go. Hope everyone gets a good nights sleep, tomorrow is another day!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/01/2018 22:13

Well done Tiru another day is over

appella · 17/01/2018 22:23

Feeling so much stronger this evening. Took myself out and I feel so happy to be alone right now. Being alone is so much better and more fulfilling than being with someone who makes me feel like I'm not good enough.

Well done ladies you're all doing so well - and if you've given in don't worry - a slip is not a fall Star

Basseting · 17/01/2018 22:31

A slip is not a fall and tomorrow is another day

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU - this place is amazing ((())))

see you all tomorrow.x.x.x.

gingergenius · 17/01/2018 23:13

Oh my god I've just read about trauma bonding (thanks to a poster on another thread - poor poor woman) so I looked it up, and bloody hell. Every single thing applies to me.

Have a read of this. Literally every single symptom. And all this time I thought I was just bonkers!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/letmereach.com/2014/10/01/signs-you-might-be-a-trauma-bonded-co-dependent-and-what-to-do-about-it/amp/

Mind. Blown.

Itsjustmarley · 18/01/2018 00:09

Hi, so I've kinda been creeping on the NC page to see how people are doing, I was posting on it from when it was NC page number 1, I'm 2 1/2 months now post break up, I've had a fair few slip ups, stalks and crying days but after reading this amazing book, I got my power back. I was literally.... fuck him, who the hell do you think you are.

"F*CK Him! - Nice Girls Always Finish Single - "A guide for sassy women who want to get back in control of their love life" (The Truth about his weird behavior, ... of commitment and sudden loss of interest)" by Brian Keephimattracted, Brian Nox.