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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

999 replies

SweetBerries · 08/01/2018 22:03

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

OP posts:
gingergenius · 17/01/2018 12:09

Oh @Basseting that's good news xx

appella · 17/01/2018 12:21

Desperate to message today but I'm posting here instead!! Day 4 over here, early days and it's so hard not to chase him and try to get him back, but I know that that wouldn't make either of us happy and is ridiculous. I think it's just hard adjusting to being alone after so long

appella · 17/01/2018 12:22

That article is GREAT - love psychology today!!

Belonger · 17/01/2018 12:29

Great news basseting!!!

Belonger · 17/01/2018 12:33

So I'm checking in with day none, because am now in regular contact again. Am OK about it, feels like things have really been reset by my long silence and then managing to ignore him when he started getting in touch. I feel in control, enjoying chatting online with him, not panicking or upset when I don't hear from him, so far at least. I still don't want a relationship with him, am very clear about that, but while he's in this attentive phase I'm happy being friends. As soon as he annoys me I'm off!

Basseting · 17/01/2018 12:46

appella it is hard, isnt it?
Lots of little things I want to tell him/mention, not just the 'big' stuff...

I just had a Robin flying round the futility room. Dog started barking and it pooped everywhere. I let it out poor thing and then went into the sitting room to discover it had pooped all over the sofa. So, dog entertained and sofa now has early spring clean! (luckily it is wipeable).

Googled it to see if it was 'lucky' to discover it means a death in the house. Fab...

Then looked it up on MN to see a good thread where someone had asked: what does it mean to get multiple replies saying:
#you left your window/door open!

That's how I am trying to think of HIM.
It doesnt mean anything in terms of the 'rest of my life'.
I just left my window/door/heart open (because I knew him before)
He flew in and around prettily, but then he crapped everywhere so I showed him the door...

Grin Grin Grin

Belonger · 17/01/2018 13:11

Nice one bassetting!

I wonder if sometimes we get drawn into thinking that someone is 'the one' or a soulmate, when actually they are just someone who triggers really deep feelings from our childhood or other unfinished business from the past. So the feelings are really intense, but not because we are 'meant to be' with this person, but because we need to work through old stuff before we are free to find less destructive intimacy.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/01/2018 13:27

Checking in for Day 16!

Great news Basseting. The message you sent today sounds very balanced. Personally I would be cutting all ties as he sounds horrible but that's completely your call. Do you think you can move past all your romantic feelings for him? I definitely can't compartmentalise anything!

Belonger you sound very much in control. FWIW if my ex was back messaging me I'd definitely be responding. Are you initiating messages too?

Well done coming on here instead of messaging him App.

I watched First Dates last night and saw a couple on it that reminded me of my self and my ex, when we were younger, right down to the areas we lived. They laughed so much and the guy had such a twinkle in his eye and a great sense of humour, but was kind. It's really thrown me off and saddened me. I was desperate to message him to tell him to watch it as I know it would touch him too but I resisted.

Feeling quite down today and desperate for a message from him but I must keep telling myself the feeling will pass and I'm doing the right thing.

Belonger · 17/01/2018 13:37

You're absolutely right NK, the feeling will pass, you just need to ride the wave of it and let the sadness move through you. Easier said than done I know, from painful experience! But you will regret it so much if you message him.

I'm chatting normally with him, initiating and responding, but holding a really clear line re anything beyond friendly - I ignore anything flirtatious. I never thought I could do this! Managing to stay NC and tolerating the urge to contact him then has made me so much stronger.

Belonger · 17/01/2018 13:42

Here's an article you might like - I've got the book it refers to (How to Break Your Addiction to a Person) and it's really eye opening:

psychcentral.com/blog/12-steps-to-break-your-addiction-to-a-person/

Belonger · 17/01/2018 13:43

That recommendation wasn't aimed at anyone in particular, btw, just thought it might be helpful!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/01/2018 13:47

Well done Belonger and especially on ignoring the flirtatious part. That's tough. There's so many times I would have loved to have returned certain banter to my ex but had to restrain myself.

Thanks will let the sadness pass. If I didn't message the other day then I can stop myself today.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/01/2018 13:47

Thanks will read later

gingergenius · 17/01/2018 13:57

@appella that's exactly it.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/01/2018 14:07

How are you today Ginger?

Basseting · 17/01/2018 14:23

Belonger

YES. YES. YES. - a million times this!!!
(can I put that on my headstone pls???)
I know I would not have got entangled like this with ANYONE else but him as he is the very essence of what you are saying in every way.

NK I dont know? and I am not entirely sure why I am putting myself through this really. I think I just need evidence that he cannot be of any help to me in any way so I can 'shoo him out' more easily?

Enirroc · 17/01/2018 16:07

Bassetting, that Robin analogy is amazing!

gingergenius · 17/01/2018 16:52

Up and down @NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 - just handed in my first uni assignment and it's been keeping me focussed. But I stupidly make as the arsehole and wish I didn't.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/01/2018 17:02

Belonger and Oldbook loving the articles. They are really, really helping me today when I want to reach out. Thanks keep them coming.

Basseting if you keep putting yourself through it then you're not ready to stop contact. You need to have your own awakening about him. I do hope he is able to treat you better re: DC and your business.

Ginger glad you've been kept busy.

I'll be on here a lot tonight I think. I really would love a hug from him, he's so warmhearted. I don't live nearby so wouldn't be possible anyway but I am really feeling it today. Need to focus that I'll be at Day 17 tomorrow and that is a good feeling

Enirroc · 17/01/2018 17:05

So... He did reply to me last night but he was short in his comments to the point of being rude. He didn't ask how I am or anything at all, and wouldn't say that he actually would like to chat if we see each other next week or not, just "either is fine but I probably won't be there anyway"... Without actually knowing when I'll be there... Hmm

So I sent him a really long message a few hours later, written calmly, of things I needed to get off my chest. And basically told him not to bother replying. But I felt much better for doing it, and slept the best I have in months- basically the best I have without him.

Then... On top of all that... My assignment arrives back from him this morning. The only thing he criticised me on was my writing style which is funny because I think his is terrible, but otherwise it was all good feedback. He did go out of his way to type and print the feedback though instead of using the provided form... I'm a bit confused about that.

But it feels like I've drawn a line under it. The friendship ended last night and the professional relationship began this morning as far as I'm concerned.

gingergenius · 17/01/2018 17:38

Think I'll be on here a lot tonight too.

Life is just stretching in front of me with and endless sea of work and kids and univsnd me getting older and older and being alone for ever.
Feeling so sad x

humanfemale · 17/01/2018 17:58

Haven't read the whole thread yet, but I will. Was lurking on the last one, whilst still in a level of denial. Sad

From August last year I managed 16 weeks of NC before relapsing! Everything was
getting better - my life was opening up again, instead of him taking up just about every conscious thought for months. Have seen him four times since November. And surprise surprise, I'm right back where I started. Obsessed and pretty miserable. He's like brain crack to me.

Can't believe I'm back here again!

gingergenius · 17/01/2018 18:01

@humanfemale I feel your pain. Been through this a few times with my now ex. Not completely NC because of Work Work but reality is sinking in. It's hard but don't beat yourself up! X

humanfemale · 17/01/2018 18:02

You women are all amazing. Glad I'm here. Sort of!

humanfemale · 17/01/2018 18:04

Thank you, ginger
Really relate to your post from earlier. That feeling that all the sparkle from life has gone. I'm just so sad tonight, too. Thanks