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Original poster

NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

999 replies

SweetBerries · 08/01/2018 22:03

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 16/01/2018 14:40

Belonger I hope she is okay too.

Enirroc · 16/01/2018 15:03

OK... So I've thought a lot about that message I was thinking of sending yesterday.

I'm thinking of messaging to say that I think we should talk before I'm there for my course and see how he responds...

What do you think? I'm not sure if I should do it or not...

Belonger · 16/01/2018 15:37

enirroc what do you most want to happen? I'm afraid I can't fully remember your situation, is it one where you would like a relationship with the guy or would you rather be free of him? I'm just thinking that it depends what you want the outcome of your contact with him to be.

Basseting · 16/01/2018 17:28

"Walk a mile away. If he wants you he will follow.
If not you will be a mile away."

Solid bloody gold advice. I wish I'd taken it.
I could have played this SO DIFFERENTLY.
I guess it might have had the same result but at least I'd not doubt my actions in influencing it, iyswim?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 16/01/2018 17:39

It really is solid gold advice and I'm going to keep thinking of that in my head. You can begin to walk your mile now Basseting never too late to begin that journey.

I wouldn't say I've reached my mile away from him yet but I'm well on my way. No sign of him following, but I feel good about myself and deep down I know he respects me for walking away. I am strong where is he is weak. There is great satisfaction in that.

Basseting · 16/01/2018 18:03

Mine is complicated ( I think ALL our stories prob are..!)

I contacted him a year or so ago re 1 of my teenage dc.
HE is extremely clever in a certain area which my dc shows a lot of talent in too, but no real help from school and I cant afford tutors.
HE agreed to tutor dc (he tutors others) and some materials were bought and discussions had. Dc was hugely excited.

Unfortunately HE and I relived our affair from many years ago. HE was nervous to meet me again as he said 'no one had ever affected him the way I did' and I felt the same. Circumstances then threw us together but perhaps we shouldnt have re-met. I find being physically near him impossible to resist. He is better at 'switching off' but I know it wont have been easy - that is why he has gone NC with me. Our situations are not such that we can be together so it is pretty torturous, Just before he went NC he said he missed me so much he couldnt sleep, couldnt work etc and he wasnt coping, so I think he has gone into survival mode. All of which I could cope with if he had just bloody talked to me about it. But he didnt, so it was such a shock.

Anyway, when we last met, I said you could at least keep your word to dc. He said: 'difficult though, re 'us' dont you think?' and I said well I dont want to think that 'us' stopped dc having that chance? So he said he'd try. Also I was trying to set up a small business (he has experience) and he said he'd help. I sent a text asking a short straightforward Qu about it y'day teatime but no reply (not necess unusual re timing) but of course I cannot feel neutral about him now.

Enirroc · 16/01/2018 18:19

Belonger I would like a relationship but he's with someone else. He admitted he only went back to her because he doesn't fully trust her and was too weak to say no so I wanted to go back to the friendship we had originally. It's the loss of the friendship that kills me most.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 16/01/2018 18:28

Basseting from what you've said of him he treats you really badly so I'd not want to let my DC near him. If your DC is talented they will find their own way to showcase it. He's toxic and I wouldn't want him to feel any power over me which he clearly does if you're asking him to tutor your son, help you with a business and you wanting a relationship as well. You need to cut him loose. I can't see any positives he brings to your life.

Enniroc if you think you can have a normal friendship with no overlapping feelings then I'd message him and tell him that's what you want. If he agrees to that then that's you sorted!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 16/01/2018 18:34

I don't think my situation is particularly complicated. We started going out early 20s. I broke up with him because he wasn't making an effort. He tried to get back with me about a year later, turning up at the same places as me. I turned him down and we both married other people.

Fast forward 17yrs and we bumped into each other by accident. Connection was still there but nothing happened. He initiated contact via SM. He is divorced but has a gf. I am soon to be separated. Contact started with his expression of regrets then an indecent proposal. I said no and texts continued to be friendly. Then I drunk dialled him, he wouldn't say what I'd said and I said New Year new start and cut contact. The end 😓

gingergenius · 16/01/2018 19:00

Every time I feel sad (usually evenings/nights) I'm going to write down a list of every single thing he did to hurt me, undermine me, belittle me, make me feel worthless, emotionally abuse and manipulate me. Plus every single one of his gross habits that I found off putting.

And every time I find myself hankering after the idealised image of him I have in my head, I'm going to remind myself that who he is and who i thought he was are two different people.

OldBook · 16/01/2018 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingergenius · 16/01/2018 20:15

I'm watching friends on Netflix. I have finally seen an episode I have never watched before. I would normally tell HIM. I was just about to message him but then I realised we've spilt up and I can't.

So I'm telling you lovely lot instead.

Now I'm sad x

Enirroc · 16/01/2018 20:34

Oh my gosh... I messaged... I messaged...

Argh

gingergenius · 16/01/2018 20:45

You ok @Enirroc ? X

appella · 16/01/2018 20:59

Ginger I am also watching all of friends in the hope that when I get to the end I am healed Blush

Enirroc · 16/01/2018 21:04

Not at the moment ginger... Lol

IcecreamSundays · 16/01/2018 21:04

Hi ladies, I’m checking in for the end of day 5.

Ginger, welcome along Smile! Nk...I completely relate to you hanging on as you know your NC has feelings, but you’re not sure of their strength. I’m in a similar position, he knows that by telling me his feelings, I get more confused and hurt and tie myself up in knots. But, actions over words.

Basseting, please please don’t beat yourself up tonight. Do not see this as a fail. It’s okay. We’re human and we slip up. The intention of NC and the reasons behind it are there, so you’re in a good place.

I’ve found today a real challenge. I miss him. I miss talking and laughing with him. Seeing him in work makes it hard. Trying to just get through today and hope I feel stronger tomorrow.

appella · 16/01/2018 21:07

I am totally amazed that it's been 16 days and he still hasn't asked to see me. The only conversation we've had was a week ago on the phone for all of 15 minutes - which he didn't even want to have! I feel like if it was down to him we would still be 'together' but literally not talking!!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 16/01/2018 21:18

Icecream I feel your pain. The uncertainty is so hard to deal with. Well done on Day 5. The earlier days are much harder. If you're feeling sad pop on here. There is so much support from every one

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 16/01/2018 21:21

App has he still not broken things off officially?

Enirroc · 16/01/2018 21:24

Well there we go... I was an idiot, I shouldn't have bothered. And now I'm on 0.

appella · 16/01/2018 21:27

I said we should say we were done, and he said he wanted to see me and talk and see how things lay then. I desperately want to just tell him I miss him but if he missed me he would have called Sad

Itsalottery · 16/01/2018 21:27

ice cream sorry to hear your sadness. I feel sad today too, not on the same as the early days but wrenching sadness but a feeling like why did we mess it up when it was so good for such a long time. Anyway...I'm walking that mile and he's not coming after me so once I get to another mile hopefully I won't care anymore.

Itsalottery · 16/01/2018 21:29

appella just keep walking that mile like I've said above. It's hard but if they don't come after us then we must keep going. Harsh and horrid but true x

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 16/01/2018 21:35

App as Ice cream says: actions over words. If your friend was going through it what advice would you give them?

Enniroc did he reply? Honestly if he has a gf then I'd leave them too. If he wanted to be with you he would. Sorry if that's hurtful but by having a gf he is showing you who he wants to be with.

Really well said Itsa. As we are walking that mile though we are doing it with dignity