NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

[SweetBerries]

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

Welcome Ginger. That sounds really tough. Think there is at least one other person on here that works with their ex so they might be able to give practical advice. NC sounds like the way to go with him

Thanks @NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 - got a college deadline tomorrow-so need to focus.

Have had to contact him m by email relating to a Work issue but all brisk and business like and not mentioned anything emotional. We do have to meet up but i have to get my head round keeping it business like again as we have to work together on Sunday.

Good morning everybody!

For what it's worth, OldBook I would agree with NK. Each time my man suggested calling me or seeing each other, my cold reason insisted on not giving in to temptation. A clear self protection instinct which I didn't always want to listen to at the time.

The question is, is his offer to meet up with you a large crumb, or more?

Welcome ginger, that sounds like a really challenging situation, well done you for making the decision to set a new boundary. Good luck!

Well done on day 15 nk, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Super well done for staying strong in those circumstances

checking in for day 9.
more to post later when kids in school.

I guess being NC with a work colleague is a bit like me being assigned my NC as my flipping tutor... I can interact with him solely about that and will consider it NC as long as it remains about that alone.

Good question Oldbook. I think at this stage he needs to be out of my life. I will see him at various stages of my life due to extended family situations but not that often.

In the future who knows. I'm keeping an open mind but I think he likes the easy/comfortable life so can't see him wanting to pursue anything above board with me as would involve a LDR. So if he were to walk over hot coals for me in the future I'd say never say never.

But at this point friendship is not possible. I've told him before I'm an all or nothing person so he is very aware of this. I'd love to know what his thoughts are. In a way I'd love if he said he has no feelings because I could be released from a 17yr grip. But I know he does have feelings. Just not sure of the strength of them.

It wouldn't surprise me if he is a sociopath @OldBook. He has gaslighted me for years. Told me last week that whilst my uni course was interesting to me, that it wasn't exactly curing fucking cancer.

He has berated and he tired me for four months without let up me for not insisting my eldest so. Goes to his dad, because it's affecting our sex life, who according to him has become dull and pedestrian. However if I do much as mention a subject that bothers me, he shouts, stomps about and refuses to talk about it, saying I'm out of order for hectoring him etc. Seems like one rule for him and another for me. Apparently I'm paranoid, hormonal and need to take my meds because he's the only one who can see what I'm really like.

I could go on and on.I took to writing things down because I couldn't trust my memory. I AM depressed. But he uses it against me. I'm not an easy person to live with but it can't all be down to me, surely?

That's why I'm here because I know I have to face the fact that he's emotionally manipulative and it's destroying me.

Thanks Oldbook. That makes sense. Yes I need to be patient and accept that now is not the time. And it may never be the time but when he is so vague and guarded about everything I can't be basing my life decisions about him.

Oh shit.
I broke NC.

I sent him a link to Lea Salonga singing: I Dreamed a Dream.
(then I remembered how he left his partner of 20 yrs (the person in between 'us' for a fling with an oriental girl 1/3 his age who I thought Lea might remind him of, so I sent him the Anne Hathaway version which is more bitter and will just make him think I am deranged)

Now I am howling in the corner of the kitchen.

Oh no Basseting. Have your cry, you are grieving, be kind to yourself today and then pick yourself up and move on. Tomorrow is another day.

Oh @bassetting. So sorry. Nothing wise to say except I'm howling with you xxx

I come in and every day I'm learning,
all my life, I've only been Pretending,
without me, his world will go on turning,
a world that's full of happiness that i have never known.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
But only on my own'

'but the tigers come at night, with their voices soft as thunder,
as they tear your hope apart, as they turn your dream to shame'
(anne hathaway, 'i dreamed a dream')

Oh @Basseting it's so shit, isn't it. (The feeling, not the song)

So sorry you're hurting so much basseting.

Hello everyone and welcome to ginger. You'll get lots of support and advice on this thread.

I'm starting on day 1 and am determined to make this work. Realise that what he's offering is not enough and on the days when we aren't in contact I feel much calmer and happier. I feel a sense of acceptance about it all, am really hoping that this doesn't transform into wanting to contact him - as it has done in the past.

Like you NK I will at points over my life see him as our families have been connected for many years - we were at school together aged 3! But I want to be in a position of control and not this "needy" person that he sees me as (although I don't think I am).

Try not to get too upset basseting, we all do things we regret in the moment and the feelings of upset will pass.

Has anyone heard anything from sweetberries ? She's gone very quiet, I hope she's OK.

Ginger I'm so glad you're here, he sounds very manipulative and destructive, I'm really sorry you've had to go through this. It's brilliant that you're getting unstuck from him.