NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

[SweetBerries]

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

Welcome tiru. You’re v welcome here. The support and insight is so helpful.
I’m on day 25. It is like a dull ache now. Not the awful, upsetting torture it was in the early days. Still in my mind a lot, but I’m hoping it will fade even if very slowly!

My NC returns to the uk at the weekend. I think I’ve been holding out to see what happens then. I hope I’m at a place where I will not respond to any message he may send. That will be my biggest challenge so far I think.

tiru try your hardest not to dollop lots of shame on top of the sadness, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You're just human like the rest of us, trying to get emotional needs met by someone who couldn't meet them. Be as kind to you as you would be to a good friend. And def have a good sob when you get home, it's better out than in!

Gosh you guys... I was really hoping you'd ago say i shouldn't be so stupid as to send that message... If I send it, am I going to regret it?

tiru
I am also a 50 yr old who feels sad hurt and ashamed (2nd time around with MY relationship with NC person who is borderline abusive really)

You will find nothing but support here.

I am back to 'normal' life today after nearly 4 weeks and struggling.
I want to contact him SO MUCH.

Eniorroc (sorry not sure who you 'were' before - doh!)

Dont send a message whilst feeling emotional.
WAIT. Think about it. Send it tomorrow if you feel less invested in it.

Says she...

Yeah bassetting I kind of get that, but I'm wondering if my emotions are needed to force him to draw a solid line, or about that's not what he wants... I just don't know.

I'm the one who'll be going to stay where he lives and works later this month. I'm getting more and more stressed about it and so torn as to whether it will help me to know or not.

ennioc can YOU draw a solid line, rather than wait for him? That would give you so much more certainty. Either set out clearly how you want things to be, and give him an 'either like this or nothing' message. Or just block him yourself.

That's what I'm thinking this message would be belonger

well you could set out your terms?
But you might do that and still not know?
(he might not know himself OR he might be buggering you around, but either way is painful as we all can attest)

I literally cannot BELIEVE he hasn't had the decency to call me or see me. It's week three now of nothing. I am soooo over initiating and chasing - for me

App he doesn't have the decency to do anything because he isn't decent. His actions are proving how little respect he has for you. The more you initiate and contact the further he'll pull away.

Rhubarb him returning will definitely be a big test for you. Come on here before you reply!

Enirr definitely don't send a message whilst emotional. Have a sleep on it.

Basseting sorry to hear you are finding it tough. Is it usual for you to ignore a message from him or is this New?

Something sad happened to me today and I'm dying to reach out to him because I know he would be genuinely sad for me and give me words of comfort.

Must not reach out. He isn't available and neither am I.

oldbook that's interesting, to have both of those goals. Does one get in the way of the other? Like if you want to feel chased, it sounds a bit at odds with indifference. I think there are some NC websites which are all about getting someone to want you. But others are about really moving on and getting rid of rubbish and crumbs.

Sorry about the sad thing nk, thinking of you x

Thanks Oldbook and Belonger. No it wouldn't make me feel any better in the long run so just need to let the feelings wash over me and let it pass. I've respect for his relationship even if he doesn't for mine.

Thank you to all of you for your kind welcome. I did have a cry when I got home and felt better for it. I then checked my phone (a constant and horrible habit I’ve developed since knowing him) and I had a missed call and a message from him (who I will now call NC). I haven’t opened it or replied. I need to block him, just can’t quite bring myself to do that.

I’m really inspired by you all and find myself realising that whilst I thought I was the only one going through this, in fact this isn’t the case at all. It saddens me to think how familiar all our situations are.

On paper I should be happy but there’s something hugely missing in my life, hard to put into words. NC is someone I knew 20 plus years ago. On reflection I made a mistake in meeting him, just as a friend, 3 years ago. He does hold all the cards, our relationship is entirely on his terms. He has no partner, children and is very much a free spirit. If there was a way to “unknow” him I would willingly sign up for that!

I hope I’m not rude by not commenting on all your individual situations! I have followed you all along and today, when I felt so utterly low and sad, it was you ladies that pushed me to post on here.

I’ve read mumsnet over the years but have never joined, until today. I’ve always thought I could cope on my own as it were. Thank you all, just reading your posts as an outsider has been tremendously helpful.

NK never managed it before! :)

Can you say what sad thing has happened so we can offer support or is it too private?

tiru wow, another person who is revisiting a 20 yr old thing...
It is amazing how long things can hold onto you, isnt it?
I am so glad you decided to post - you are most certainly NOT the only one, and the support on here is quite amazing.

Basseting a close friends parent passed away suddenly. I've been thinking about them all day. Can't shake the sadness today really but I know contacting would only be a temporary positive. He doesn't belong in my life now.

Tiru I know that feeling when an ex from long ago turns up and turns your world upside down. It's so hard

Ah, I am sorry NK a sudden passing is always hard.
I am amazed at your strength and wisdom for seeing that contact would only be a temporary +tive and that he 'doesnt belong'.
To be able to see that amongst your sadness is inspiring.
((()))) from me (I know I am not HIM, but it is still heartfelt.x)

Welcome Tiru . I hope you’re feeling a little bit better this evening? I completely relate to the phone checking, I don’t think I was ever this obsessive before my NC. I felt really sad for us all reading your post! Think I’m a bit emotional this evening!

Checking in for the end of day 4 😊. I did not sleep very well at all last night, knowing I would see NC today. We are in the same office, with the same facilities so he cannot be avoided. I had awful nerves this morning on the train into work. He wasn’t in the office. Which made me worry about him. He often doesn’t show in post breakup (we’ve had a few). This worry usually causes me to discard nc.

This time, I need to be strong. I know I’m more likely to break NC if I’m worrying about him, but I just have to accept that I will worry, but it’s not my business to do so anymore. I fought against calling him all day, worried about him and worried he would think my love meant nothing as I was now ignoring him when he may be having a hard time or poorly. Dramatic...I know. Oh the mind is a wonderful thing .

all round x