NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

[SweetBerries]

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

Oldbook that's the honesty I was talking about yesterday and you are starting to express it now too. It's difficult to admit they aren't that nice isn't It? It was very difficult for me to admit the things I did on Saturday.

Yes I'd give him a Tuesday pm deadline and if nothing by then tell him you've other plans made regardless.

Belonger good morning. The cold took over a week to shake. Hope yours goes soon too.

NK I totally agree about the honesty thing, it made such a difference to me when I suddenly gained clarity and faced a) that I need what I need and have no reason to be ashamed of it, and b) that actually he wasn't EVER going to be able/willing to provide it. It was painful for a little while but then really liberating.

oldbook I wouldn't tell him that you're making other plans, just do it. In fact I'd do it now! Then if he does come back to you, you can quite honestly say that you thought you were OK to make plans because you hadn't heard from him. No big deal, very cool! Surely that's a win-win because you get to do something nice anyway, and he gets a kick up the arse.

Oldbook NK jesus Thanks so much for your kind words.
Sorry for my self indulgent narcissistic rant . Its hard because everyone (my DMum, DSis and friends) all seem to think I should just be 'getting on with it' as he's obviously over me . . . I'm still hurting!
Argh. Oldbook have you made plans yet?

Sorry by give him a Tuesday deadline I mean a deadline in your own head. I definitely wouldn't be contacting him with one. Hard as nails we all are 🤣🤣🤣

Belanger how did it go? Sorry need to re-rtt to see how everyone is!

Oh dealing with the reality of the situation is so tough. It's very hard for me to admit that he has no respect for my ailing marriage and actually no respect for my feelings at the end of the day. It's even doubly hard when you're being told only nice complimentary things. I know he is genuinely upset for me when I am upset about my marriage. But not enough to stop trying to satisfy his own needs along the way.

But facing up to the reality is really helping me when I am tempted to reach out. And it is showing him that I have enough respect for my (ailing) marriage to sort things out there first.

Time will tell I really like that Oldbook. It certainly will. Hopefully some of these men will come good in the end but if they don't the empowerment we are getting from NC means we are starting to see out self worth and maybe they aren't good enough for us anyway.

I'm reading 'Irresistable' by Adam Alder at the moment and it has some really interesting stuff about addiction and how anything can become addictive once we associate it with soothing emotional pain. He also talks about the thing I mentioned once about 'variable rewards' - how things are much more addictive if the response/reward is unpredictable. That's why gambling is so addictive - it's never knowing if we'll win or not. He's talking about it in the context of smart phones and social media, but it really resonated for the NC situation for me.

The dreams!! I left things in his hands with regards to meeting, not because I am silly and waiting for a message but because I'm sick of being the one chasing him. Gone forever. I haven't messaged since Saturday when he revealed he had forgotten. So I guess that puts me on day 2!

I think NC might help partly because it takes control of the unpredictable contact from the guy. It makes the 'will he won't he?' uncertainty about hearing from him into a certain NO because you make the decision that there will be no contact with him.

It's the uncertain and unpredictable 'blowing hot and cold' they do which gets us addicted. That's how I'm making a bit of sense of it anyway.

Congratulations on day 2 appella, great stuff. I'm not surprised you're sick of chasing him.

oldbook it might depend on what you want out if NC. How it 'works' will depend whether you want to get someone back in your life, or get rid of them from your head I guess!

This 'dating coach' must be dosed up on Diet Coke (and is pretty irritating after a couple of minutes in my opinion) but I think this video will drive home to us what we really need to know about our men.

I hope the link works.

And, once again, you are all amazing! The comments and thoughts you have put down are so thought provoking. We should write a book together. There's clearly a market for it.

I've ducked or of the thread for a couple of days, and had a name change, but I'm hoping that you'll recognise who I am workout me having to identify it.

I'm feeling immensely angry right now. I've been responding to a thread that he's also commenting on on fb... And while I've liked some of his comments, responded to others- and lots of other people's too, I'm not stalking, just coming from the same perspective- he hasn't liked any of mine, and immediately stops replying to any strands that I've joined as soon as I do...

I'm so wound up and I just want to send him a message saying that if he can't even interact with me on an acquaintance level, that he ought to just block me on fb so that I know where I stand and never have to be faced by him ignoring me again...

Argh...

Oh for goodness sake... Ducked OUT of the thread, and WITHOUT me having to identify it...

I'm so mad, I can't even type anymore! Does he really hate me that much?!

Hello ladies, I’ve been following your threads from the start and have admired the way in which you’ve been so strong and supportive to each other.

I thought I could do this alone but I can’t - please can I join you? It’s a new day 1 for me and I need to stick to it. Just had a conversation to be told that our “relationship” is all on his terms. I felt so upset, so ashamed and hurt. He went on to say he cares about me but deep down I know this needs to be the end for me. I can’t carry on being grateful for the crumbs.

On my phone just now but felt that I had to get this written down. I’ll be able to tell you more about my situation later.

Hoping I’m not too late to join you, I’ve been with you in spirit all the way!

Welcome tiru! Lovely to have you join us. We're a supportive bunch as you know. I think NC is really hard on your own.

Thank you Belonger, that’s so kind. I feel so close to tears. I’m sitting at the hairdressers a 50 year old woman who feels sad and hurt and so totally ashamed that I’ve let it come to this. Need to try hold it together until I get home where I’ll probably burst into tears!

Welcome Tiru. We can all get through this together