Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

999 replies

SweetBerries · 08/01/2018 22:03

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 13/01/2018 11:44

Good idea Sunshine. As I'm doing Dry January I can't indulge in a glass of Prosecco. I will light the fire later though and watch CBB and Dr. Foster so that will be nice 😊

Basseting · 13/01/2018 11:45

sorry posted too soon...

laying awkwardly so I don't lay on 'his' side of the bed.
now cooking brunch for children in kitchen and trying not to look at the scratches on the paintwork near the dishwasher where he pushed me so passionately against the wall with his kissing that my jeans rivets scratched the paintwork.

I'll need to touch it up. I want to get a new bed. My old car died so needed replaced so at least I cant 'see' him in that.
It is SO VISCERAL Sad

OldBook · 13/01/2018 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 13/01/2018 11:46

Basseting congratulations. I'm so proud of you. I've no doubt he'll be raging you didn't reply. Have you ignored him before?

Sorry you're feeling so bad. It is part of the healing process though. Go easy on yourself.

Teensandfuture · 13/01/2018 11:47

Bassetting
Him showing you his true colours re card and everything is a blessing in disguise!
He's proper shitbag and you are so better off without him.Its crystal clear he's not capable of healthy loving supportive relationship . You wouldn't gain ANYTHING from being with him, but would loose remains of self respect, dignity and sanity. Onwards and upwards!

Teensandfuture · 13/01/2018 11:52

Sunshine
I actually feel now that he would be dragging me down with all his work problems, id be running around trying to please him and his 3 children, decorating his place and doing up garden, doing his ltd company accounts for free, because I'm too nice and in love.
I'd rather concentrate on my own family until someone else come along, the one who will do all these nice things FOR ME.

Sunshinelollipops101 · 13/01/2018 12:15

teens
Definitely a drag, imagine doing all that for him and him sitting back and giving little in return. You sound like a lovely person and deserve someone who wants to do all those lovely things for you too.

Basseting · 13/01/2018 12:55

I just wanted to say 'THANK YOU' to every one for all the support atm.

I have had a 3 week period with exH around a lot and kids off school so have had almost NO time to post much except about what felt like a warzone for me.

On Monday they are back at School so I hope to be able to give again as well as receive re the thread.x

I am invited to a girlfriends house for Dinner for my b'day tonight which will be really special so I feel grateful for that.
Grateful for my kids.
Grateful for this thread.
Grateful (in a perverse way) that this B'day has been such an eyeopening horror re HIM / family / exH that I have no choice but to make some changes.

They say people treat you the way you allow them to? Hmmmm.
I don't know about that but when the realisation it is wrong finally hits (which takes a long time if you've been used to it much of your life and feel you 'deserve' it) then you have some choice in whether to walk away. Some people you cant walk away from (ExH as we have 2 kids together so will always have some ties). Some you can.
I shall not contact HIM again right now.
There is a complication which I will come back to next week but that can wait for a bit.

much (((()))) to you all.

Teensandfuture · 13/01/2018 13:24

Bassetting you can limit contact with exh too .
You don't have to allow him staying at yours for weeks on end, if it doesn't make you feel good.
I've gone through all that too.
Even now when I need to discuss something with my exh, even phone conversations about kids somehow end in his accusations towards me. I have a choice either engage in fights or extricate. I hang up on him, I don't have to listen to abuse.
He stays around Christmas and birthdays only on condition he's neutral towards me. If he breaks it, he's out of the house!
I actually kicked him out couple of times. I have to enforce my boundaries, noone else will do that for me.
Sending hugs and hope you get strength to enforce your boundaries Bassetting 😊

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 13/01/2018 13:33

Loads of virtual hugs to you Basseting. Don't be worrying too much about 'giving in the thread. We are all here for you and the terrible times you are going through. I do think you are staring to emerge from the fog though, which is great. Baby steps

Belonger · 13/01/2018 14:18

Hi everyone, checking in on day...not sure possibly day 22, but I have to fess up that I finally responded to my guy yesterday. Didn't initiate any chat and ended the messaging pretty quickly, but I can't really say I was NC yesterday. Sorry everyone!

Belonger · 13/01/2018 14:19

And I've not had a chance to read all the latest messages but send everyone my best wishes

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 13/01/2018 14:27

How are you feeling about responding Belonger? I think you held off really well. I wouldn't have been able to for that long. Did he respond quickly?

Belonger · 13/01/2018 14:39

Yes he responded straight away and seems very keen to resume things. But what's on offer isn't what I want. It's tempting to tell myself we could be just friends, but a) we'd end up sleeping together and b) I've got real friends who get neglected when I'm involved with him.

I fee ok, still in control, just a bit sad

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 13/01/2018 14:41

So he wants FWB Belonger?

Belonger · 13/01/2018 14:46

Something like that. I'm not angry with him at all, I thought I wanted that too and have enjoyed myself in some ways and learned a huge amount about myself. But I don't want that any more and need to stay strong and resist.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 13/01/2018 14:47

I think you will stay strong and it's fair enough if it's not for you anymore. He needs to respect that.

Belonger · 13/01/2018 15:09

nk , just catching up with the thread and your sense of realising that you don't have a love story, it sounds painful but very liberating to come to that conclusion. I had something similar over Christmas, I suddenly got really clear about the difference between what he and I think our relationship is. Was hard to face it but I think that's what's helped me get this far -I'm kind of no longer able to kid myself about how things are. Letting go of the illusion / dream of an epic love story sounds a huge step forward

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 13/01/2018 15:43

Thanks Belonger. It was very hard to admit that to myself today but he has no place in my current or future plans. That hurts like hell. His lack of contact means he's not even that bothered anyway. But I need to deal with this and move on.

CariadAur · 13/01/2018 15:48

My last post seems to have disappeared...

I'm on day 38 since he last contacted me, 56 days since the day I told him I was cutting off contact. It's 13 days until I see him, and I hate having no idea what it's going to be like. I still feel like my heart's been ripped out everyone I think of him... Which is still all the time.

Sigh

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 13/01/2018 16:13

Wow Cariad that is a long time. Do you think it's still so raw because you know you are going to see him? Are you seeing him socially or what is the reason?
App hope you're having a suitably indulgent day.

appella · 13/01/2018 16:16

He said he thought we were meeting tomorrow... I've told him I have plans (which I do) and to have a nice weekend. Probably won't hear from him again. 0 initiation now or I'll prolong my misery. Trying to have a nice day but feeling quite down Sad

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 13/01/2018 16:20

Well done App he is an idiot. You deserve way better than him. How long did it take him to reply to you

appella · 13/01/2018 17:08

Two hours... then another two hours. Charming.

gettingthereshopefully · 13/01/2018 18:50

Good evening to all of you fabulous and very courageous ladies!

I don't have the children this weekend so I've been getting on with proactive 'feel-good-when-it's-done' stuff. I feel stronger than I have for a long time. I think the saddest and intense part of the bereavement for my dad may be over and, although I cry everyday when I think about him (I'm doing so now) I feel less lost. I'm still thinking about my NC man but, like NK I have had a series of minor epiphanies over the past few days. The clearest one is that I have no idea whether he was being sincere or lying to me. Can you imagine how confusing that was? To add another layer of confusion (which is bloody hard to bear when you have strong feelings/desire for someone) each time we were to meet up he'd change the date/time or stall. Like OldBook I hate tentative plans with anyone; especially with a man you are yearning to see. His chopping and changing wasn't just with me; it was an intrinsic part of him. (To be fair, he was also, frequently, really lovely with me.)

I spent three hours with a ex adult student of mine this morning over a few cups of tea in my favourite tearoom. He's really keen to start up classes with me again which is why we met up as I had to do some tests with him for the learning centre I work for. The hours flew by as we chatted away. And we had a good laugh too. He was so kind and told me some really lovely things which made me feel a bit emotional after as it's hard to recall at times our qualities when we've been dished out crumbs or, worse still, total rejection.