NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

[SweetBerries]

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

Checking in for Day 12. Morning all!

anxious I make up scenarios in my head too..I’ll be sectioned with you

Massively itchy fingers today. I’ve decided to make the move to another country and I leave in 2 weeks. It’s been something on the cards since before I met him and I started to have doubts about going whilst things were good. I never mentioned it to him.
Since he went cold, I really had no reason to stay here anymore so I started to make arrangements. Now it’s all offical and getting so close I feel like I want to reach out to him. He’s been online ALL day though so seeing him there is making the temptation a little harder

Morning Jesus. I'd sit on those hands if I were you. You are now moving country so even if you reached out what will it achieve? I know it's upsetting if they're online and aren't contacting you. I get upset by that too. But if he wanted to be in contact he would be.

Good evening from Oz NK!
You’re completely right, I don’t even know what I would say..or hope to achieve by doing it. Although there’s a small part of me that’s imagining all sorts of scenarios if I message, like it’s a ‘one last shot’ feeling. When most likely I’ll be either ignored or dissapointed by the response.

Morning everyone, good luck for another day of NC.

appella well done on staying so strong over the last few days, I hope he is decent enough to soon give you some closure - are you still meeting him today?

Basseting - happy birthday for yesterday and i'm sorry you received such a shitty card, I agree with the others, he's an arse for sending such a low investment card, you should be angry about it - you deserve so much better.

Itsa - stay strong and don't stalk sm, it won't be helping at all. It's hard enough anyway.

I'm checking in for month 5 of NC! and i'm still hurting so much - i feel stupid saying that. I found out last night he has a new girlfriend (for a couple of months, met her on OLD site) and i can't stop crying.

He didn't want to properly commit to me, didn't want to talk about the future, but we spent every day together for 14 months and met each others families, went on holiday, spent (last) xmas together - it felt perfect. I feel so hurt.

I can't stop making up scenarios in my head either, luckily I have no sm to stalk - tho i'm tempted to ask a friend to see if he has added anyone that could be OW!

I can't stop thinking: why wasn't i good enough, what has she got that i don't, what if it gets serious..

I just miss him so much and have been thinking about him all xmas and wanting to text him... he sent a bit of a pointless email last week about the internet and i've been wanting to reply, clutching at straws it was an excuse to contact me.

I'm finding it so hard to move on and he's now happy with some woman from an online dating site.

I want to contact him now more than ever... my first thought was NOOOOO I HAVE TO STOP THIS - i know this is irrational and i have to move on but i don't know how :(

Jesus I've been waiting months for grand declarations and by waiting I mean staying up extra late online just so he can see me online and say something. And guess what? All I got were crumbs. So I'm now going online when I normally go online and am going to sleep at a normal time because this grand declaration is never going to happen.

sunshine Oh so sorry, must be so hard for you. Can't say much except to give you an un-mumsnetty hug. You deserve so much better.

Jesus Where are you moving to? (I live near oz). exciting!

Subshine that is really tough especially if everything was going so well. It's not you, you've done nothing wrong so please don't think that.

How are you today User?

For all of us that are going through a wobbly time, please read this attachment.
It is quite hard, but really puts the way people treat you into perspective.
It always makes me feel so strong

Absolutely love that Allycat. That attachment should be put at the start of every thread. I 100% agree with it. If these men wanted to be with us they would be making changes to be with us.

Just to add, I probably romanticize my story somewhat in that it always seems to be bad timing. But my ex knows the crap I'm going through currently and all he has done is proposition sex. Nothing else, no declarations or promises.

I could justify and say, oh he wants me to make my own decisions and leave my marriage without his interference, hence not getting involved. But he has gotten involved and wanted sex in a hotel room. So he's not being chivalrous or respectful of my marriage. He just wants a seedy shag and keep his gf and comfy life. And he obviously thought that I would go for this, that I'm seedy enough to agree to it.

I'm so glad I turned him down. He's shown his true colours. It all seems so clear now. This isn't the love story I want it to be. This is a middle aged man trying to relive his youth by shagging an ex. He doesn't care how that might hurt me. I've been fooling myself by thinking he has great affection for me. If he did he would leave me alone until my marriage has ended. Instead he has added to the hurt, chaos and confusion by trying to drag me down an even darker part. What a selfish prick he is.

I think I have finally seen the light and can start to move on.

Sunshine
The only way to move on now is to start dating too
You really need to forget about him
It's very difficult I know,I've been in similar situation with my 1 year NC guy.
He left in January 17 and I spent until August 17 slowly recovering.
In September as per usual I stalked his SM and found pics of his with a new woman, he went on 3 day festival with her.That news just floored me .She was attractive-just his type. I'm not worse though, I am probably on same level.
I was crying, dying inside and stalking SM like mad.
It seemed he never cared about me at all.I went level up with my stalking (Not going into details but managed to see what her was posting-dates with him and so on).I thought that's it he found the one and it did hurt like hell.
So I decided to snap out of it and started dating. My dating didn't work out - he is my NC guy but it created huge distraction and I was very happy for short while.
Maybe you seen me posting before-basically 1 year NC guy contacted me before Christmas-saying he's not dating, he's single.
Bottom line is I was over thinking it, it seemed so much more serious then it was in reality..
Looks like he wanted FWB situation with me , and even 6 months ago I'd be on cloud 9 even for this sort of attention from him, but not now.
I didn't feel as intense towards him and I respect my body so he jogged on..He blocked me again but I don't really care, I wasn't that upset Second time round.
Now I think it wasn't even him I loved, I just somehow got fixated on him for all those months after unexpected break up, I was so out of control so wanted him back desperately to feel in control.
When he contacted me before Christmas he did update on his life- and it's shit, literally nothing good happened- was made redundant, lost nice company car,
Never redecorated as was planning-so lives in shithole, which he needs to give up as part of divorce settlement (few years separated) .my life in comparison is so much better. I'm better than the one I wasn't good enough for! And that realisation was my consolation!

Apologies for my self indulgent post today. I seem to be having a bit of an epiphany and need to write it down.

Teens yours sounds similar to me in that they both wanted FWB but we both stood up and said no. I get what you are saying about you being better than the one you weren't good enough for. I am too. I've a way better job and live a better, healthier life. He's also aged way worse than me and has little to offer me really but hassle and complications.

So glad you’ve had your ephiany NK, there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel for everyone. I hope this leads on to an easier time in other parts of your life

Thanks user and NK, love the quote allycat :)
NK i'm so pleased you feel like you can start moving on, I agree an offer of a seedy hotel room hook-up isn't any sort of declaration of love! well done for rejecting him

Teens I have tried dating and found myself still constantly wanting him, comparing to our first date, etc. I know it needs to be done though, it's just hard to get the motivation - it can be hard work the OLD cycle.

reading your story of 1year NC guy has really helped, it's comforting to hear support from someone knows exactly how I feel. I can't help thinking he learnt his lessons from our relationship and must have changed to have got into another one. suddenly got over his 'commitment issues'.

I want to be over him, it hurts so much. sadly i haven't heard any stories about him living in a shithole. lol.

Thanks Oldbook it's pretty hard to admit what it is in the cold light of day. We don't have a special love story. We have nothing.

In my heart of hearts what I really wanted was for him to say he'd be waiting when the time was right. That's never going to happen though. So what I want is to feel indifference.

Glad to hear you're feeling good today.

Thanks Jesus I hope so too

Sooooo I messaged this morning (I know) and asked if we were meeting and would be please let me know as is cancelled plans - no reply... feeling quite tragic but going to go to some museums and write and drink lots of tea and have a very indulgent me day. I was okay until he said he would see me today then rejected me again with silence. At least I know it's well and truly over now and that he doesn't care enough to even say yes or no to meeting. I have lost my calm!!

Sunshine
I haven't heard stories of him living in shithole, I KNOW he lives in one because I been to his house many times. It really needed doing up and that's what he said he will do in 2017 but did nothing. I suspect he is content living like that, he was just making noise for me because my house is a level up from his.
And now he supposed to move out into rented flat..hmm

Sorry to hear that App. I'm afraid it looks like he knows he has you at his beck and call. I think it's time to let go and block.

Being honest he sounds horrible. There's been nothing noble or gentlemanly about his conduct.

Oh appella i'm so sorry to hear that, he's a shitbag. How someone doesn't even have the decency to meet face to face and have an adult conversation about breaking up is beyond me.

Fuck him and make this your decision! You don't want to be with someone who acts like this.

Your self-indulgent day sounds lovely. Let's all do at least one thing to treat ourselves today

I have made it through the night.... (hears lyrics)

I am SO glad that I didn't reply to the HB text as I hadn't seen the card.

Yes I guess he did what I asked (pls text and send card for b'day)
but that card was not sent with a kind heart, it was sent to reduce my expectations further. Well, they are at zero now.
(ditto from my mother - you can see where my low self esteem began)

Day 6 begins. I've been crying half the ruddy night

teens he's obviously content living in a shithole, sounds like it might get worse with his rented place, ha! Absolutely sounds like you're better off in your nicer house without him dragging you down! :)