Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

999 replies

SweetBerries · 08/01/2018 22:03

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

OP posts:
Belonger · 12/01/2018 14:17

OK, I'm wobbling a bit. It's a different kind of difficult, resisting responding when he's getting in touch, I'm not used to it! I know it's a bad idea and that I'll just end up back where I was. So am posting here instead of replying to him.

Itsalottery · 12/01/2018 14:20

Don't do it belonger you won't be able to come to California if you do

Itsalottery · 12/01/2018 14:21

I am wobbling too. Would like to post his stuff back but I know that would be a smoke signal so I must not do it. If he wanted it he'd ask for it.

Belonger · 12/01/2018 14:37

Good point itsa and a very good incentive!

What stuff of his have you got? Can you just chuck it away?

Itsalottery · 12/01/2018 15:10

Few bits of clothes, not much. Yes should just throw away I guess :(

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 12/01/2018 15:20

It's so hard but we must resist. Belonger Am what sort of stuff is he saying? Really unless he is apologising or is able to give you the relationship you need nothing has changed, so no need to respond.

Itsa I'd just bin or give to charity. He obviously doesn't need them

Teensandfuture · 12/01/2018 16:06

Itsa
Don't throw anything away ,just pack away somewhere you cant see it.
He might ask for those things later on and if you thrown them away without giving him opportunity to come and collect it,he might have a civil case against you for value of those things. Just saying ..My ex made a huge fuss about collecting his old stuff talking about smoke signals

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 12/01/2018 16:28

Good point Teens never thought of that!

Basseting · 12/01/2018 18:55

It's been an odd day.
I got the HB text at 9am.
Just got home.
A b'day card from HIM. Name and address on envelope.
Inside a cheap jokey card that says: 'Wasnt it your b'day last year?'
inside it just says: 'HB' (his initial).
very clearly no: 'from' 'love' or 'x'
no date. nothing identifying.
I felt very sad when i opened it.
It seemed almost mocking but perhaps I'm being oversensitive?

Also - Facebook - how do I check my settings pls?
I hardly use it and have NO b'day greetings (I think I locked it down but dont know how to check /unlock it)

Or maybe I'm just a saddo with no friends Sad

Basseting · 12/01/2018 20:37

defo oversensitive re FB - just checked and I had it locked down so not even friends could see b'day. just changed that but too late for notifications this year (facepalm). so I've had a few but would have had more if I was not in lockdown like fort knox (daft mare that I am)

what do you think about the card from HIM?
last year I got one with the Tower of London on and inside it said:
'HB' Love, (initial) so I wasnt expecting Romance but its a step down even from that last year (though 2 weeks later he asked 'when my b'day was' (and we'd spent it together...)

I guess B'days are not important to some people.
My own Mother sent a card which said:
'We'll not mention the F-word' (presumably as its a significant b'day decade which begins with an F?)
Hope you have as good a b'day as you can...'
as I opened it my Co-op points card fell out (that I presumably left at her house when I was last there in August)

you have to laugh...Sad

Itsalottery · 12/01/2018 20:41

Hi basseting I hope the kids spoilt you so the day was not all bad. I don't think you are being over sensitive, that is a shitty card and he would have been better off not sending. I think he is an arse!

On fb I am by no means an expert but perhaps you don't have your birthday on there. Go to your page then go to about you. That should tell you I think.

I hope you are having a pleasant evening.

Basseting · 12/01/2018 20:43

can I have a star for not replying?

Rhubarbginn · 12/01/2018 20:47

HB bassetting
Yes a star for you. See it as a big bday present to you. Two fingers up to the loser.

Rhubarbginn · 12/01/2018 20:48

Day 22 for me. I’m giving myself a star too. Especially as January is such a boring month.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 12/01/2018 21:07

Basseting really fair play to you for not replying. That took a lot of courage. I'm absolutley delighted you didnt. He deserves nothing from you.

Rhubarb - well done on 22. Twice as long as me! How are you feeling?

Rhubarbginn · 12/01/2018 21:17

I’m doing ok Nk. I still think about him lots, but the anger, frustration has subsided. A previous poster said how in nc you are dealing with something that happened in the past, whereas when you are messaging it’s in the present and you are checking your phone lots etc. So it’s easier this way.
Although my nc is back next Sunday from abroad. I don’t know whether he’ll message me. I think he will but it won’t be immediate. By then I’ll be nc 30+ and as difficult as it will be I don’t want to return to the time where I felt stressed, upset and let down.

How about you nk?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 12/01/2018 21:31

I feel similar to you. Still thinking about him a lot but I feel calmer in myself and calmer because I'm not anticipating a message. Can't believe I'm nearly at Day 12. Weekends are harder because he is usually out and likely to message late at night if he sees me online. I haven't been online on SM all evening so think I won't logon at all tonight. I kept waiting for a grand declaration and all I got was crumbs. Not good enough.

Rhubarbginn · 12/01/2018 21:36

Yes crumbs. The thing is I didn’t need or expect a lot from him. I was happy to support him, but then you reach a point where it is so unbalanced and there’s almost no way out. They don’t want to change anything, because all their needs (or a lot of them!) are being met. Whereas yours have fallen by the wayside. After a while the resentment builds up, but it’s so difficult to walk away. Even from crumbs!

Basseting · 12/01/2018 21:44

NK do you think I'm being a bit fussbunny about the card though?
it just seemed so meanhearted?

Itsalottery · 12/01/2018 21:45

I think the biggest answer to not putting up with crumbs is to be happy on your own and therefore walk away when it becomes crumb like. However, that is easier said than done when you've invested so much.

Rhubarbginn · 12/01/2018 21:45

He sounds cold bassetting. Likes he’s deliberately trying to disappoint you. To further limit your expectations.

Rhubarbginn · 12/01/2018 21:46

Walking away is hard. Even when it’s definitely the right thing to do.

Itsalottery · 12/01/2018 21:49

I agree with rhubarb Basseting the card was cold and you are not over reacting. X

appella · 12/01/2018 21:51

Been hit with a very big sadness and desire to call him or text to tell him I love him. He won't answer or reply though. I know he's not right and doesn't want me anyway but I want him back so badly right now Sad

IcecreamSundays · 12/01/2018 21:59

Happy birthday Basseting, I’m sorry that the card you received was so shitty. This year is different though, a fresh start maybe?

I’ve done my first day of NC today. I saw him in work, he blanked me throughout the day which made me rage inside but it is most definitely the only way to go. I’d rage if he tried being friendly to me at the moment.

I’ve had a few moments of burning desire to ask. Ask all the questions and try to unpick the puzzle. Why was I never good enough? Why did he never fully commit? Why did he always take but never give? Why why why? I’ve held back which I’m proud of. My biggest difficulty is always with the need for answers and accepting that I will never get them.

Does this get easier ladies? Does it get any better?

Well done to all of you for getting past another day x