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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered OH is with someone else

659 replies

Fosterdog123 · 07/01/2018 19:04

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

OP posts:
Shockers · 11/01/2018 05:38

I agree that you shouldn’t respond. It’s over.

He will miss you; it’s been 12 years. Let him. Let his memory of you be of a dignified woman. Let yourself be his nagging regret.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 11/01/2018 06:15

Wow, you are all so amazing and I am humbled by your support. I woke in the night, tempted to text but I haven't and have regained my strength again, especially now I've read this chorus of DONT DO IT!! There is strength and power in ignoring him, where he's tried to remove it from me.

Lemony - you sound awesome and wise beyond your years. I was a tool in my 20s!

No desire to SM stalk either this morning!

OP posts:
Karlwrenbury · 11/01/2018 06:19

You seem preoccupied by the mphey and alleged glamour. It’s just a bloke who’s left you. All the rest is jokes just irrelevant.

Karlwrenbury · 11/01/2018 06:19

“Money”

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 11/01/2018 06:22

Oh and I love the idea of egg and chips telling brilliant jokes 😆 as it happens tho, this particular plate of egg n chips can't, as I always forget the punchline

OP posts:
Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 11/01/2018 06:30

I do sound preoccupied by the money, I can see that. IRL though, Im really not. I'm not a bit materialistic and it frustrated him no end that I didn't want his money and would rather earn my own but it made him respect me too.

OP posts:
Roussette · 11/01/2018 07:25

I've read the thread and Foster you are so brave, keep it up! You are doing the right thing in not stooping to his level, this is what I call playing the long game (not that you are playing a game) . The long game to me means that in years to come he will just know that he treated you appallingly. When he ages and can't quite pull the same and needs more companionship than whirlwind romance, you will be the one that got away. When he gets older, he will just be a rich sad git.

I know someone like this... known him for a very long time. He is coming up 60. He has incredible wealth, not inherited but through hard work. He has more wealth than I can put into words on here (multi multi multi millionaire), and he is very prominent in the business world (can't out him on here!). He is so used to the world saying yes to him because of his position that he just cannot function properly emotionally. He is totally emotionally stunted and useless. He hasn't a clue how to treat people he gets close to because his world is the business world. I think Foster your guy is like this and he will not be open to change. He will never properly settle. The man I know is almost analytical in his treatment of relationships because that's what his life is, he cant do emotions, empathy, huamn interaction. His 2nd marriage has just unsurprisingly failed.

I think in time Foster you will be all the richer for this guy moving on, good luck.

Lordamighty · 11/01/2018 07:58

I know not replying is the right thing to do but if you are tempted your description of him as a fucking stone cold weirdo would be perfect.

tigerrun · 11/01/2018 09:26

I would be tempted to reply - not engage further than that - but yes 'Not stubborn, just not a fool. Wishing you and X all the best too, you fucking stone cold weirdo' would be apt. Good luck

browneyes77 · 11/01/2018 10:16

What a horrible thing to deal with. I think you’re being exceptionally strong willed given the circumstances!

May I ask, how do you know that he’s aware of you knowing? Is there any possibility at all that he thinks you’re still in the dark about his behaviour?

Obviously you know him far better than anyone here, so you may have your reasons for knowing his mindset etc i was just curious to understand how he would be aware that you know is all.

I can understand you not wanting to reply. Sometimes it’s about rising above it and not letting them waste anymore of your precious time and energy. I’m the kind of person who would want to spell it out though and give one and only one response to his text to make sure he knew for definite I’m not daft and am onto him and reply with the response that tigerrun gave. But that’s just me! You do what works for you!

Flowers
ScrambledSmegs · 11/01/2018 11:02

I wouldn't reply in your own words. I would send him a link to his 'secret' social media account and then block him on everything. Sends a loud, clear message that he's fooling nobody but himself.

FinallyHere · 11/01/2018 11:22

but he doesn't see it like that

Look, he sounds the sort that will tell you whatever is expedient. He wasn't brave enough to break up with you honestly, so he was pushing you to break up with him. That would mean that he could install the younger model and maintain his view of himself as the good guy.

There is strength and power in ignoring him, where he's tried to remove it from me.

Yes, yes, yes. It's heartbreaking to read your story but yes to all the support here. However badly he has behaved, his message suggests he wants to know that you are missing him, so ignoring him absolutely is the right way to go.

And living well is the win win for you. Meanwhile, keep breathing and be kind to yourself. Anything you go to do, ask yourself whether this is kind to yourself. If you treat yourself well from now on, your life will be a good one. All the best.

Dard · 11/01/2018 12:09

He will probably continue to text u he wants your attention ignore him narcissistic prickxxx

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 11/01/2018 12:15

The reason he knows I know is because I text him and said, why did you not just tell me. It was when I 'knew' but before I had proof. He text back and said, told you what? However, he knew exactly what I was referring to. I can't have meant anything else. I haven't texted him since then. He knows. He must do. He's not entirely gormless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 11/01/2018 12:18

As I said, I am tempted to reply with 'and I wish you and x happiness too' but whatever happens after that will hurt me. If he ignores me, it'll sting. If he says thank you, I will fall apart. If he says, who, I'll just think he's even more ridiculous. So what's the point.

OP posts:
DarthNigel · 11/01/2018 12:27

If you know he knows and he knows you know I would I continue to ignore. There is dignity in your silence and that if nothing else will eat away at him a bit.

Dard · 11/01/2018 12:31

Stay strong let him sweat he will never feel the awful pain he has inflicted on you totally selfish wanker hold your head upxxx

browneyes77 · 11/01/2018 12:32

As I said, I am tempted to reply with 'and I wish you and x happiness too' but whatever happens after that will hurt me. If he ignores me, it'll sting. If he says thank you, I will fall apart. If he says, who, I'll just think he's even more ridiculous. So what's the point.

If that’s the case and that’s how you feel it would impact you, then I’d be inclined to agree with you opting to ignore him.

If texting him back will only bring you more hurt then don’t do it. If ignoring him is what is working for you and is helping you to move on and be strong, then continue to do it.

ScrambledSmegs · 11/01/2018 12:34

Honestly, just block him. Any messages from you, no matter how dignified, are just prolonging the agony. The continued messages from him are merely serving to keep you emotionally enmeshed.

splatattack · 11/01/2018 12:36

I am amazed by your strength OP...he does not deserve you and he will realise that the more you ignore him...keep going!! Thanks

namechangingforpets · 11/01/2018 12:43

You're right. Whatever he texts back will make you feel shit.

This is your one little bit of power left.

It'll always bug him if you ghost him. Always.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 11/01/2018 12:44

I agree with ignoring him. He knows you know. Hes moved on and is flaunting his current lifestyle and partner on social media without being honest with you. He's actually goading you with his texts for a response ... he loves the attention

Keep the control. Keep your dignity.

yrhengi · 11/01/2018 12:50

There's something about a much younger new girlfriend that just makes a middle-aged man look that little bit older than he really is.

Branleuse · 11/01/2018 13:05

youre a better woman than me. Id want him to suffer

Roussette · 11/01/2018 13:10

Trouble is... if you send a caustic text, it won't make him suffer, it'll just make him think in his head... 'see.. I was right to move on from her, she's just a bitter woman'.

In all the relationship problems I know about with friends etc, the most powerful tool has been silence.

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