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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered OH is with someone else

659 replies

Fosterdog123 · 07/01/2018 19:04

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

OP posts:
NameWithChange · 11/02/2018 20:36

And status.

Shame these young women are as short sighted as the old men.

GeorgeTheHippo · 11/02/2018 21:39

Well it won't last will it. My husband and I were together 20 years. By then he'll be almost 70. Can't see her sticking around, tbh.

Zofloraqueen27 · 12/02/2018 00:19

Cue Connie Francis “Whose sorry now?”.......I hope it hurts him like hell. It is beginning to dawn on him that you are lost to him and it is entirely his own nasty fault. In fact he didn’t “lose” you - he threw away a perfectly wonderful, compatible, caring partner ....for what? An unsuspecting woman (probably) who boosted his sad ego.

This waster was desperate when he had to show the cyber world he was happy with his new woman, letting you know what a wonderful happy time they were having. Did she know that during their first heady days together he was messaging you? I don’t imagine she knows about his latest messages saying he misses you either.. wait until she finds out- which hopefully soon she will - and gets rid of him. I just hope he has many a cold lonely night with plenty of time to dwell on the fact that he lost you and you’re never coming back.

Keep on keeping on Foster - you are worth a thousand of him and I really hope that you find peace of mind again soon.

tumblrpigeon · 12/02/2018 01:28

It gets better with time. Truly.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 12/02/2018 07:29

It does get better with time. It still hurts and rankles sometimes. But as you said Fosterdog you can't undo images and lies and deceit and his utter selfishness.

You're really going through the spin on a washer cycle right now all topsy turvey. He's been such an utter shit. But you are strong. Very strong. With so much dignity. It's the phases of grief. Hugs to you

Dard · 12/02/2018 21:14

Money!!!!!!!!freebies golddiggers

BackInTheRoom · 12/02/2018 21:18

@Fosterdog123

Same. When I was 20, Middle Aged men were ugh! 😖

Thebluedog · 13/02/2018 10:00

Money, status and what the man can do for them.

My dp got promoted up to quite a high level and he had a very good mentor who warned him that now he was at this level, certain women would start to pay him attention. He was warned that they weren’t interested in him, just what he could do for them. His mentor was right, all of a sudden, women who weren’t interested before suddenly started paying him attention. It’s a sad state of affairs but it’s true.

Dard · 13/02/2018 17:43

Hope you are ok?I looked at my beautiful 22 year old daughter today so young whole life ahead of her.Her father left us for 21 year old when he was 45 they have child now makes me feel very uneasy when I look at my daughter dirty old man comes to mind 23 year difference. Midlife crisis wankersFlowers

OnTheRise · 13/02/2018 19:52

FosterDog, if you're feeling low then yes, you do need to stop eating crisps and chocolate, stop the alcohol (damn!) and start taking proper care of yourself.

Exercise and good nutrition make a huge amount of difference to mood. It's astonishing how much of a difference it will make.

I used to think it was all a load of rubbish... and then I stopped drinking, started exercising regularly (Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred was brilliant), eating properly, and taking supplements (The Depression Cure by Steve Ilardi is really helpful: add vit D and B supplements to the ones he suggests and you'll do really well). Not only do I feel a load better, I look better too and have lost weight without even trying. And it's been a great distraction, too, which also helps. Good luck.

Charismam · 13/02/2018 19:55

I was the same fosterdog. IN my 20s I thought men over 35 were SO OLD

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 20:58

@Dard

Omg your ex was 45 and she was 21! How long ago was this? You're right, midlife crisis wankers indeed!

TracyL74 · 14/02/2018 07:51

Of course he misses you. WTH can he talk about with her? DONT RESPOND. Let him miss you. You need this. Let him slowly realise what he's done. But that it's too late. You've got this!!!!! Not replying is very powerful and you need that power in your corner right now.

Mammysin · 14/02/2018 09:31

Hey Foster we are in your corner. Wouldn't be surprised if he sent a grand gesture today tho 😳😟

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 14/02/2018 10:50

Thank you all for your continued support. I continue to ignore the miss you message. Won't hold my breath for any grand gesture today! I honestly really hope he doesn't. It would only upset me. He'll be flying the new gf off somewhere glamorous for the weekend no doubt. I feel pretty bleak but am coping.

'Friend' sent me a foul text (the one where I decided to leave an activity). Called me selfish for leaving them in the lurch (I really didn't) and that she didn't want anything more to do with me. She then unfriended me on fb (boo hoo). Ridiculous behaviour from a grown woman but I haven't responded and don't intend to.

Heard nothing from friend with new man.

Perhaps it's me.

OP posts:
Paperthin · 14/02/2018 11:27

Hi foster just read your whole thread ( supposed to be at work 😜) you sound like you are doing well ignoring the miss you message. Hopefully he will give up soon, and I hope he does not stoop to any contact today, that would be seriously low behaviour. I see that your friendship issues are upsetting you too, the one who has blocked you isn’t worth it honestly ! Take it that she has shown you who she really is, like your ex. I know it’s hard and you have had a tough time but keep on posting for chat here if that helps. ‘This too shall pass’ and you WILL come out the other side a new you with new friendships again. 💐

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 14/02/2018 11:58

Paper - thanks for the vote of confidence. Friend really isn't worth it, you're right. She hasn't been a truly good friend for a while now and has bullied me into doing various things and hasn't been supportive. She is a very gregarious, sociable person with a wide circle of friends and her bullying is often overlooked by others due to her being fun and a good laugh.

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Dard · 14/02/2018 12:04

Talk about kick you when your down hope you have other friends who support youFlowers

Nanna50 · 15/02/2018 08:19

Maybe you could think about arranging some bereavement counselling, you don't have to talk about the worst bits straight away. In the last three years you have lost your family, and now also some friends, and as strong as you are you must be grieving for your long term relationship, especially with such an abrupt end. Sad

You can only be strong and live on junk food for so long, bereavement counselling can be very empowering. Flowers

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 15/02/2018 17:36

I tried bereavement counselling a couple of times. It wasn't really for me. It felt so artificial for one thing and pointless too. Talking about it doesn't change what happened. It's also deeply traumatic to go back over it.

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/02/2018 18:31

Hi Foster,

I'm so sorry about your friends, that really is shit.

How has your day been today? xx

Charismam · 15/02/2018 18:56

The 'friend' sounds like a narcissist. She knows you're recently single after spending over a decade with this guy and that you've no siblings/parents and she calls you selfish for not wanting to do the activity!

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 15/02/2018 19:42

It's a little bit more than not wanting to do the activity but I'm being a bit vague about it! She feels that I'm leaving her in the lurch. I'm really really not and even if I was (I'm not!), it's not making me happy any more and I need to move on. Plus, it's something she's done before a couple of times but that's ok cos it was her decision - I'm not 'allowed' to make a similar decision. Honestly, its bonkers. If I told you the detail, it's ridiculous. I'm not missing her to be honest. She was/is very self-absorbed (says me, endlessly prattling on about me me me). I guess it's just another loss and yet another friend who's let me down.

If I'm honest, really honest, I was a bit deflated yesterday. First time in 12 years I didn't get flowers from him. Felt shit. I did however get flowers from a different source (nothing romantic), so at least I got them from someone!

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Gemini69 · 15/02/2018 19:47

I'm glad your not buying into this Fake Friend guilt tripping you.. sod her and her pathetic attempts at bullying you ....

you don't need to be around negative selfish people.. you need to be around your own comfort zone Flowers

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 16/02/2018 19:01

Fucking hell - I just went on SM (not to look at anything to do with him - just to see some celeb twadle) and he's 'liked' a couple of my pictures, both with his original account and the new secret one. Instant surge in anxiety that I can live without. What kind of fucked up game is he playing.

OP posts: