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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered OH is with someone else

659 replies

Fosterdog123 · 07/01/2018 19:04

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

OP posts:
Polkadot1974 · 09/02/2018 19:45

Please don’t contact him any more or look at him via SM. He’s trying to get you to be ok with him so he can enjoy himself and not feel bad. Well bugger that. You’re first. I think a dog sounds a fine idea. They always break your heart when they go but they need us
Keep your chin up and be proud. You did nothing wrong. It IS a cliche for good reason
It happens a lot

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 09/02/2018 20:02

Well - I'm in the north west but did used to live in the SE at various points in my life.

OP posts:
BrownEyedGirlv2point0 · 09/02/2018 20:48

You're going through an awful time!! I've been there. It's really hard and emotions are all over the place. Anger, sadness, then feeling great about moving on then angry again, etc. It's ok to be feeling what you're feeling. I do think it's best to not show him all of your emotions but I do also think that you need some closure. I know many are saying to block him and ignore him but maybe having a chat with him can help you to move on quicker. I know it did for me. And also, maybe now is not the time for a chat. That can happen weeks from now. Also, please don't torture yourself by going on SM.

Original poster
FosterDog123 · 09/02/2018 20:55

Thanks Brown. Apart from one lapse, I've stopped going on SM and have no desire to look again. I also have zero desire to have any contact with him. As for actually speaking to him, hell will freeze over first. He's done for me. My last message to him effectively told him to piss off, so he'd have to have bloody massive balls to contact me again.

Well - I had one counselling session not long after dad died. It was too soon though, in hindsight. It's also so distressing that it makes me want to be physically sick and I can't breathe when I think about it, so I don't actually want to say anything out loud to anyone anymore.

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Mammysin · 09/02/2018 21:08

So sorry to hear of your parents' deaths- how awful 😟. You sound do decent & honourable; it throws his behaviour into stark relief. Do you have any lovely siblings to chat with or stay with? "This too shall pass" is my motto . Stay strong, sister 💪

Original poster
FosterDog123 · 09/02/2018 21:15

Only child Mammy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 09/02/2018 21:19

Whoops! (Have had password issues I've been trying to resolve).

I'm an only child Mammy.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 09/02/2018 21:28

What a terrible few years you have had!

Please look into trauma counselling. It's different to normal counselling, and I think the circumstances of losing your dad would merit it.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 09/02/2018 21:59

Ah that’s a shame, would have loved to grab a coffee as you sound brilliant!

teddycat · 09/02/2018 23:42

Another lurker - think you have been / are so strong. He must be gutted to have lost you.

Wanderlust1984 · 10/02/2018 07:18

I'm north west foster if you ever need to talk. We've got very similar stories when it comes to exes

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 11/02/2018 15:42

He sent me a text today saying I miss you. It made me curl up into a ball and sob. I haven't replied and won't do but what a fucking jerk he is to have done all this. Why didn't he think all this through beforehand. It's too late for me now but I just feel so bloody down about it.

OP posts:
Mammysin · 11/02/2018 15:51

Oh Foster : how do you feel that he's contacted you again? Is he so cruel that he wants to keep you in reserve? Or does he really miss you? Does his message even deserve analysing? I am moving to East Midlands (I think! ) in the next few months and would be up for ceremonial burning of his stuff 😳. Does he have any insight at all? what do you need to happen next? 🍸 coming right up...

KeziaOAP · 11/02/2018 16:01

Oh Foster feel for you. He had his head turned by a younger woman, now starting to realise what a fool he's been losing you, not only as a loving partner but as someone to talk to, share troubles with. What an idiot!

merville · 11/02/2018 16:21

Sounds like he'd have kept you both if he could have.

Doesn't sound like you're the "member of a soft harem" though.

merville · 11/02/2018 16:23

(Type)

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 11/02/2018 17:21

I think he probably does miss me. He could talk to me about anything, he could tell me about his business strategies and politics and multi million pound deals and it all meant something to me and I could advise him, I challenged him on stuff and questioned his views, he could trust me, we had fun, we could relax together, blar blar blar. BUT when I remember the deceit and the ways in which he sought to hide things from me, all that crumbles away and becomes meaningless. Yes his head was turned and he made his choice. I'm not certain exactly what a soft harem is but I'm pretty certain I don't want to be a member!

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 11/02/2018 17:43

They are complete shits like this.... as you said I’m sure he does miss you and thinks he can worm his way back in. But it can’t be genuine feelings for him otherwise he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place, and to add salt into the wounds by taking her someplace that was special to you both. That just shows a complete lack of empathy on his part.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. I know of a woman (could actually be you), who was in a very similar situation with a successful man. his brother used to tell me about his attitude towards her and it was appalling. You’re better off out of it Flowers

merville · 11/02/2018 18:53

A soft harem is a man with multiple relationships/partners at the same time. Often the women have an idea but tolerate it - usually for financial reasons. Seems to me like he'd have done that if he could - if you'd reacted differently.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 11/02/2018 18:55

Of course he misses you, why wouldn't he? But he threw away the right to be with you for a 20-something year old model.

He doesn't get to miss you, he gets to mourn the loss of you and I hope it bloody hurts as much as you're hurting.

GeorgeTheHamster · 11/02/2018 19:04

My exH has done the same thing - he's 48 and his shiny new girlfriend is 27.

All I would say is, it takes time. You will have ups and downs. Go easy on yourself. Try to eat less crap, do more exercise, drink more water, all that stuff. Give yourself time and you will get through.

picklemepopcorn · 11/02/2018 19:52

He isn't the man you thought he was, if he'd do that. Make yourself a play list of recover songs- I'm still standing, I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair etc!!

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 11/02/2018 20:06

I do need to eat less crap for sure. I've got such rotten toothache tonight from days and days of eating nothing but chocolate, sweets n crisps. I think it's also making my anxiety worse, as well as my 'tropical moments'!

I have never needed or wanted his money, so he's never had that hold on me.

DEFO don't want to be part of any harem. Jeez!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 11/02/2018 20:09

Why do all these 20 something women want to be with men in their mid/late 40s? Men of that age were NEVER on my radar when I was young. I was too busy shagging all the lovely 20 something men. I wouldn't have looked twice at a middle aged man, no matter how well preserved he was. I just don't get it.

OP posts:
NameWithChange · 11/02/2018 20:35

Money (sadly)