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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered OH is with someone else

659 replies

Fosterdog123 · 07/01/2018 19:04

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 07/02/2018 13:22

It was just a blip OP. You've been so strong. But we all have blips. But your overall direction is onwards and upwards

BackInTheRoom · 07/02/2018 13:23

Swap loathing for pity?

Ah look at him taking his child to the same place we went. Ahhh, no imagination poor lamb.😕

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 07/02/2018 13:30

I'm going to have to dig very deep to muster that kind of feeling up. Right now, I just want to curl up into a ball and sob. I don't regret the text but Christ do I regret looking at SM again. Happy as Larry they are, all loved up and having a ball. I can only hope that his next shit is a hedgehog.

OP posts:
RavenLG · 07/02/2018 13:30

Sent a text in the middle of the night saying, for what it's worth, it's a real shame that he's lost me and such a waste.
They're abroad, at a place we used to go to, visiting the same things we used to, having a grand old time.

Seriously OP he's a GRADE A CUNT.

He wants to keep you on the back burner by making you think he has a grain of remorse about what he has done and he's really sad to have lost you. He doesn't give a fuck about you (sorry to say), he only cares about himself, getting his dick wet and flaunting his new arm candy on social media.

It sounds like you know the real him, and from what you have said about his issues this is all a bravado, giving the SM world the impression he has the best life possible while inside he is falling apart (and if he's got a drink problem he probably won't be able to keep it together for very much longer given his age anyway).

I know you said your support network is lacking, but do you really want this arsehole to be your support? He doesn't care and (as much as you say you don't) you can't treat him as someone other than someone you loved and wanted a life with. Cut off all ties and the friends who are supporting you, cherish them and spend time with them.

It will get better.

YOU DO NOT NEED THIS CUNTWAFFLE

KeziaOAP · 07/02/2018 13:34

Not much comfort Foster, agree with Winosaurus inevitable he's thinking about you a lot whilst there he did experience it with you first.

OhCalamity · 07/02/2018 13:47

He may be bringing her there, but he's not entirely happy. If he was, texting you from his trip would be the very last thing on his mind.

He may be stubborn, but he knows what he's lost here. The novelty of it all might distract him for a time, but he knows.

May he develop a case of raging holiday trots and shite the bed in his sleep.

Thebluedog · 07/02/2018 13:56

What an utter cunt he is!!

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 07/02/2018 14:24

He is an unutterable cunt of the highest possible order. He is deeply unhappy inside but is the master of hiding it. You wouldn't have a clue if you met him but then I guess many people are the same. He has had a stellar career but in the last couple of years, has struggled and had his ego seriously dented. It affected him hugely and his drinking and anxiety spiralled out of control. He has been a suicide risk on occasions too. I think he will never be satisfied actually with anything and is looking for something that doesn't exist.

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 07/02/2018 14:45

Honestly he is just the worst kind of human being. He sounds like he fakes happiness to hide what a truly rotten cunt he is on the inside.

I feel sorry for her, she has no idea what a mess she has let herself in for.

You are so much better off out of it, I'm so glad you know that x

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/02/2018 15:00

Just read the whole thread and I have never seen such complete self awareness and strength in someone in your position. Your dignity and grace are inspiring.

Those few posters using words such as ‘tramp’ ‘trollop’ and ‘floozie’ - are you even aware of the awful misogyny you have internalised? How can you bring that attitude to this thread if you have read the incredibly wise words foster has written?

MotherofTerriers · 07/02/2018 15:24

Fosterdog, I could write pretty much word for word what you have. I found out 2 and a half years ago that the man I had been married to for 20 years had another woman he had been with on and off for 10 years. He lied, and lied, and lied. If he had been honest with me we might have been able to salvage a friendship. I have been determined to live well, not to waste any more of my life on sadness or bitterness. I'm doing ok. I need to build up more of a support network, but its a work in progress. I wish I had more of an extended family. I wish I didn't have to do everything by myself. But I don't want him back. He is an unhappy person. He drinks too much. Nothing is his fault, nothing anyone else does is good enough. I tried for many years to help him, and my load is lighter without him.

You can do this. You really can. There will be bad days, but they will come less often. Massive respect for your dignity and best wishes for your future

Mammysin · 07/02/2018 15:33

Huge hugs to you foster. Have u not nice food or wine or films lined up ? Please treat yourself x

NameWithChange · 07/02/2018 16:46

What a stupid selfish little prick. So mad on your behalf. The man has no class at all. Wanker.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 07/02/2018 20:41

Mother - you are clearly made of tough stuff, as you have endured a blow far greater than mine. I'm lucky to be able to walk away cleanly and have no further contact. Not sure I'd be quite so strong if I had to maintain contact in any way. I'm so glad though that you've been able to plough on and build a new path for yourself.

Mammy - I could really do with stopping eating nice food! After the initial loss of appetite, it's back with a vengeance and I'm eating copious amounts of chocolate!! Booze isn't really my vice, although I'll have a martini if there's one going!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 08/02/2018 10:34

Have woken up in a rage today. The arrogance and callousness of the man is staggering. No apology, no shame, just pathetic half attempts to make contact. After TWELVE fucking years. I'm staggered by him and how he can behave like this. I pray these feelings start to simmer back down, as this anger doesn't feel good.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 08/02/2018 10:36

It is a sort of grief OP. There are many stages to it and it rarely goes in a straight line. It's not wrong to feel angry, go with it till it passes

Mammysin · 08/02/2018 11:03

Nothing constructive to add just to say I think you are doing great. Despite(because of?) his Mills and Boonesque bona fides , he has shown no kindness; no regret- no sorrow at the cruel way you found out. He did not have the cojones to tell you. He could honour what you had & your relationship with a swift despatch. Fwiw, I think he will regret his actions. You are working through your feelings- perfectly healthy and natural. You sound so wonderful- you deserve so much better. Sending you a handhold & virtual Galaxy chocolate ( I firmly believe in eating your feelings too 😊)

babyccinoo · 08/02/2018 11:14

Maybe you should have an opportunity to express your rage to him. Otherwise it will just fester inside you. Offload to him then block him on everything.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 08/02/2018 14:53

Telling him how I feel would achieve nothing though. He clearly feels nothing for me, so I may as well tell the wall. I won't give him the satisfaction either of knowing just how much this has affected me. My anxiety though is through the roof. What he's done, together with some so-called friends behaviour, has left me in a very dark place.

OP posts:
kevinkeeganlovesme · 08/02/2018 15:34

You're right. Telling him will only bolster his ego. And make you feel shit in the long run.

Maybe counselling and talking it out could help. I know it would have when similar happened to me and wish I'd done it.

babyccinoo · 08/02/2018 16:09

Who cares if it bolsters his ego? You don't have to see him again.

The important thing is for you to get it all out. Once you've offloaded it on to him, block and delete him with relief.

Coyoacan · 08/02/2018 16:40

I know a man like that. He never left a woman until he had the other one all lined up and he always liked girls in their early twenties. He is now old and alone after a lifetime avoiding ever being alone. I don't envy him one little bit.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/02/2018 16:42

I found that getting it all down on paper helped me. Obviously don't send it to him!

Dard · 08/02/2018 17:02

Narcissistic personalities want attention they hate being ignored whatever he is up to he wants your attention Ignore IgnoreWine

SeaEagleFeather · 08/02/2018 19:38

foster can you sleep? when the shit times come, it's horrible and every little thing that can help is worth trying. Old fashioned advice but if you can exercise / yoga that might help, and eating well, not too much booze and sleeping will also help.