Just discovered OH is with someone else

[Fosterdog123]

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

I admire you too. The fact that you say she is probably perfectly nice shows resilience positivity graciousness and wisdom

Hope you have had a better day

Hi op,

I've just read your thread from start to finish and had to respond to tell you I think you're just amazing. You have been so strong throughout this whole thing, you should be really proud of yourself.

Honestly your attitude towards this whole thing is something to be aspired to. I hope if I ever find myself in this situation I can be half as strong and composed as you.

I'm sorry that your friends haven't been as there for you as you had hoped, just know that you have the whole of mumsnet here for you!

He's a wankstain. I won't say much more on him than that because honestly he isn't worth the effort it would take to type and you already know he's a low life twat.

How are things today? x

Don't admire me too much. I folded today and text him back. I said that it was indeed a shame but that i hadn't chosen this, he had, when he decided to lie to me and cheat. Said he'd made his bed and to go and get on with it and leave me alone. I don't regret sending it either.

Had a worse day today. 'Friend' is still making life very difficult for me and my anxiety is through the roof.

Wellfuckme - fabulous name!! Thank you so much for your kind words. Everyone has been so supportive on here. I'm truly humbled by it.

I would have text too. It's so very hard to not when you haven't had a chance to let out the thoughts that have been going round your head for the last God knows how long. Just don't find yourself in a back and forth with him - it;s a surefire way to let him twist things and have you thinking YOU'RE the unreasonable one.

I would have had to text too so don't feel bad about that. He's gotten off bloody light, he deserves to know just what a shit he is.

I'm so sorry about your friend, that's the last thing you need. We're all here to listen and respond, I know its not the same as a person in real life but we're here.

x

I've been following your thread OP. My respect for you is huge!

What a tough and isolating time. These are the moments when you're pushed out there into the great, wide open and you take stock of who you are and who you're with (it's not unusual to find your friends have derailed and gone elsewhere, leaving you to listen to the sound of whistling in the wind).

After my marriage broke down years ago, so did many of my friendships. The whole house of cards kind of tumbled. I value those who stuck with me. I never take them for granted. They are still there, the few of them.

But I learned to rebuild my village, using my own specifications. Over the past few years, I've developed deeper, meaningful, lifelong friendships with people who met me at my lowest. These friends came to my (second) wedding. They've become Godparents to my kids when previous Godparents slipped away with the remains of my dead first marriage. They helped remind me that sometimes the most indestructible friendships don't take much time to develop. Good people will find you.
Regroup. Then rebuild. And take it one sweet, slow day at a time. You'll find your tribe but realise you are the best leader.

You are so lovely and your words mean more than you can imagine.

I have no intention of getting into an exchange with him. My original stance of wanting nothing further to do with him hasn't changed. If he'd been upfront and honourable, perhaps a friendship could have been salvaged from the wreckage but I can't bear liars and cheats and just don't want to know who he has become.

That text is fine! It doesnt compromise your dignity at all!
He was sending a mind bending mixed message when he said it was a shame. 🤔
You didnt let him re-write history.

You'll get through this foster and you'll be ok..

Threads like this make me realise why I’m still on MN... Fosterdog look how proud we all of how you’re handling this! I know you’re feeling that your real life support is lacking but a bunch of complete strangers care and are rooting for you!
He sounds a self-centred prick and you sound utterly amazing. It’s a shame he didn’t realise that while he had the chance but I hope you realise it yourself

Have just read the thread - you are an inspiration foster.

Your text hit the right note. He'll come to realise what a fool he's been in losing your friendship.

Admire how you've kept your dignity in what has been a very tough time for you. Take care

He's wealthy, but so what? Money and a flash lifestyle can't buy happiness. You will undoubtedly have many good qualities which aren't dependent on appearances or cash, and you're already showing a lot of strength.

I looked at SM again. I needed a jolt and I sure got one. They're abroad, at a place we used to go to, visiting the same things we used to, having a grand old time. FUCK HIM ALL OVER AGAIN.

Oh OP I know exactly just how that stings.

Men never fucked fail to amaze me.

Op I've been where you are (more than once). It sounds useless and crap to hear it now but you'll feel completely happy again soon.

And I may get blasted for this by some, but I believe these things that happen to are part of our make up. They shape us and (usually and hopefully) make us better people. Stronger and more empathetic.

Sending all my love to you, OP! You will be ok! Focus!

Thinking of you Op x

Another one delurking to say that you texting him has done nothing to change my opinion about how great you've been during all this.

He may look like he's having a great time, maybe he is. But it will come around eventually, it always does, it's just the way the world works.

You are having a life blip it seems, and all those old comfortable things are getting shaken up and you're seeing them for what they really were. And although its shit someone as awesome as you will get through it all and come out better for it.

I can totally imagine soon you will get your fabulous self out there doing fabulous things and making more fabulous friends and meeting a fabulous new partner before long!

Stay strong and stay real!!
Xxx

Just laugh at what little imagination he has to use the same place he used to take you to try and impress her. Also it’s inevitable he’ll be thinking a lot about you whilst he’s there as he experienced it all with you first!
He’s a bit pathetic really isn’t he xx

I know that must hurt like hell op...but look at how little imagination he must have. Keep going, you are going to be fine, I'm certain of it

I feel sick to my stomach. I will never look on SM again. That little glimpse into his seedy little world has left me reeling all over again. The depth of my loathing for him is bottomless.

Hi @Fosterdog123

Hey you're having a wobble. When my ex dumped me, I also had friendship problems. Why does this shit happen all at once?!! It's a shit sandwich! However I got through it (with wine & MN) and you'll get through it too. You still got this! 👍💪🏻