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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered OH is with someone else

659 replies

Fosterdog123 · 07/01/2018 19:04

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 05/02/2018 18:19

I hate to admit this but I'm just not ready to block him. I know that is totally at odds with the strong, resolute front I've put up but blocking just feels so final and I can't do it. That's not to say I'm leaving the door ajar, as I'm really REALLY not. I could never be intimate with him again or share my life/thoughts/issues etc. I just need more time to tick by, preferably without any contact.

OP posts:
Kiki275 · 05/02/2018 18:27

Sorry OP, I'm not so much trying to villify her as to point out that appearances aren't everything and if he is playing the field you can't tell who or what he has picked up in the meantime. That can affect your health (and hers) and should be considered.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 05/02/2018 18:37

I would never (EVER) want to have sex with him again, so there's no chance of picking up any manky diseases from his festering knob.

OP posts:
JoggingBottoms · 05/02/2018 18:43

Good. So what plan can you formulate to sort out the other stuff that is going on in your life? Who else can you turn to for support?

It's ok to ask for it... People like to help...

Oldieandgoldie · 05/02/2018 19:04

I wouldn’t say anything.....just text him the name and address of your local std clinic....Wink
Let him worry.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 05/02/2018 19:15

That's just it jogging, my support network is a bit lacking. I've been let down by a number of long standing friends recently (nothing to do with this issue) and have been by myself a lot. I feel very disillusioned right now.

OP posts:
bummymummythefirst · 05/02/2018 19:20

Sad we're all rooting for you op.

JoggingBottoms · 05/02/2018 19:34

Do you want to talk about it on here?

Do you have plans to make a new support network? Obviously this will take time and energy, but I think you can do it... You sound resourceful when operating on full cylinders

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 05/02/2018 19:48

My best mate of 30+ years has basically dropped me. She has found herself a man (which is something she's wanted for a long time and I'm honestly pleased for her) and now spends every minute with him. We've been through everything together and it's left a massive void. I feel very let down by her and have never been a fan anyway of people who drop their friends when they get into a relationship.

Ive also recently decided to move away from an activity I've been very involved in and a friend of 10+ years has really fallen out with me about it, called me selfish etc and has cut me off. I've offered her an olive branch and she told me to stuff it.

Other friends are far away/busy with their own lives etc.

I've lost both parents and don't have any other family.

Pity party for me now ☹️

OP posts:
JoggingBottoms · 05/02/2018 19:57

Listen - just allow yourself to be sad for a minute. It's ok to do that and it doesn't take anything away from anyone else who is going through crap, and worse.

Does your pal with the new man know what you've been going through recently?

Starshine132 · 05/02/2018 19:57

So sorry op, that sounds shit of them. You just need to stay strong and replying to him won't make things or you feel better. If anything it'll just rile you up more.

Newbieuser1880 · 05/02/2018 19:58

How did you find the pictures? Are you going to confront him? Maybe that will give you some peace sorry you’re going through this

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 05/02/2018 20:08

Yes, she knows. We're not totally out of touch but it's about 5% of what it used to be.

New - I've already confronted him, albeit in a minimal way.

OP posts:
Charismam · 05/02/2018 20:11

not blocking him looks better if you're strong enough not to contact him. it's like you don't care enough to block him

JoggingBottoms · 05/02/2018 20:14

Sorry you are having a crappy time. Hope you can find a way to have connections and feel supported again, from areas other than your ex.

Keep chatting on here. Maybe consider some counselling, even just to chat about day to day shitness, so you feel like you have another human being to bounce things off in the meantime x

NameWithChange · 05/02/2018 20:18

Foster, I have had a phase a bit similar with friends and it hurts like hell. One who kept letting me down, we've been like sisters for over 30 years. Let me down so much my DCs noticed and were sad and we then bumped into her out shopping with another person after telling me she was too busy. It cut like a knife particularly as I have been having a pretty tough time with a divorce. Anyway, I realised the constant letting me down was making me feel so sad and never wanted to ask as the let down and excuses really hurt. My kids being upset was the final straw, so I took control and blocked her. No more let downs.

I think he is getting under your skin because you are feeling low at the moment. In reality he doesn't actually have anything to offer you. There isn't even a response or resolution to how he behaved that will justify it.

He will however get a buzz from 'pulling your string' and getting a response. Think carefully about conversing with him. I think on a stronger day you may kick yourself.

But hey ho. Life is life. There is no right and wrong. If you follow your emotions you are answerable to no one but yourself. It really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Sending a cup of tea and a hug. This too shall pass. BrewCake

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 05/02/2018 20:33

Thanks all, you're very kind. I haven't responded yet and don't think I will. Nothing he or I say can or will change anything.

I can only hope this time will pass, as it's all pretty soul destroying and I can feel myself slipping.

OP posts:
NameWithChange · 05/02/2018 20:40

The only certainty is that it will get better. Honestly it will. Time to plan a holiday or something nice to look forward to?

user1483644229 · 05/02/2018 21:00

We are still here with you Foster. When it rains it surely does pour. Make sure you keep yourself busy. Just a hello and handhold from me.

Thebluedog · 05/02/2018 21:24

Sorry you’re feeling shitty foster and they have such a knack for reaching out when you do feel crap - or at least it feels like that.

Presuming he’s hoping that a bit of ‘re writing history’ And some time away you might weaken and talk to him. He’s just trying to suck you back in. He needs his ego boost and you’ve hurt his ego by leaving and remaining dignified and slipped away with no drama. He will like drama as it makes him feel wanted. And you’ve just proved you don’t need or want him by giving him no drama and walking alway.

As for your friends, sorry they’ve left you in the lurch like this. Always difficult when they do that, but your friend with the fella will come back around and others will arrive Flowers

Teabay · 05/02/2018 21:32

Keep writing on here Foster -we are all here for you.
The weather is freezing today, and I've been let down by someone I trusted at work, and i got home to bills and tearful DC.
I'm also a bit down, but trust mumsnet vipers that this too will pass.
Much love - you are strong - how exciting that he's made room for the next bit of your life! And you're only 46!

friskybivalves · 05/02/2018 22:06

Hello Foster - I was a lurker on your thread when you first posted and have just seen it again.

Two things.

  1. you know the instant that you text back you will be furious with yourself. At the moment you are in control. The moment you respond, the power passes back to him because then you will be waiting for the reply.

  2. even if you never want him back, I suspect you would like answers (while thinking he will never give them for all the reasons you have previously given to do with his character. But he would have to work much, much harder than simply firing off the odd text in the middl of the night to unsettle you.

  3. self-styled alpha males will always, at some point, revert to type and act like the rutting silverback gorilla they imagine they are. Perhaps you were lucky to have got ten good years with him.

Maybe now isn’t the best time to withdraw from your regular activity (the reason one friend is upset with you). A bit of routine is a godsend when you’re down. Familiarity is reassuring.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

friskybivalves · 05/02/2018 22:06

Ooops. Four things as it turned out.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 05/02/2018 22:37

Frisky - I don't want answers. I don't really have any questions. The why's will be boringly mundane. Mid-life crisis, sexy young woman, ego stroking, entitlement, opportunity. I know it's not me per se. Our relationship wasn't broken - there was nothing to fix. I don't look back on the first 10 years with regret though and wish I'd never met him. We had a fantastic time and had so much together. I just wish I could shake off how shit I feel now.

OP posts:
UnicornSnot · 06/02/2018 16:04

And you will. I really admire the way you are handling this Foster
#showinghowitsdone

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