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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered OH is with someone else

659 replies

Fosterdog123 · 07/01/2018 19:04

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 20/01/2018 10:46

I don't subscribe to the idea of mutual friends. With previous partners, I've had my friends, they've had theirs, we've socialised together but they weren't mutual as such. Likewise, my friends with partners, I know their OH, chat away with them when I see them but wouldn't class them as my friends.

That said, it's a moot point cos the twat has tossed me aside like a used rag, with the last thing he ever says to me being an insulting text.

OP posts:
CharizMa · 20/01/2018 10:55

I think your right fosterdog. Mutual friends always have loyalty to one part and if it's to you, choose them, if it's to him, press delete. If they're being all on the fence, delete for the sake of a fresh start and a clear head and a lack of irritation.

I think it's great (in the long run) that the LAST communication between you two was a rude text from him that you didn't deign to reply to.

Not comparing your x to rod stewart but apparently he expressed regret for the way he poorly handled breaking up with Alannah Stewart. Moved on to somebody younger but decades later, he mentioned that blunderingly to an interview. Might not be any comfort but if he has enough self-awareness to know what decent behavior is, even if he's not motivated to behave well for the right reasons, I reckon when it all calms down with his new woman and he idealises her less he'll stop comparing and start to feeeel a tiiiny bit shitty and he'll push it from his head but it'll creep back.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 20/01/2018 11:38

He knows he's a shitbag. Well, I think he does anyway. He's super bright and smart and astute but he's also stubborn and arrogant and shit at saying sorry, so hell would freeze over before he reproached himself. It probably won't calm down with the new woman either. I'm sure her 20 year old arse will keep him amused for years to come!! By which time, I'll be a distant memory and he won't give a fuck that he screwed me over. Ok, the hate is strong today. He's a wankstain on my life and I really do hope his knob goes gangrenous and drops off.

OP posts:
user1483644229 · 20/01/2018 11:38

Agree Foster. My husband and I have been together 12 years now and his friends are separate from mine. We might join each other with friends on occasion but not often at all to be honest. For both of us, these are friendships that go back 20-30 years. Foster you are doing so well - you are so strong.

user1483644229 · 20/01/2018 11:41

We crossed post. You have every right to feel angry. It’s good to let it out. Just not in front of him - keep dignified with him.

DrMorbius · 20/01/2018 11:42

Your comment about mutual friends is interesting and may be an indicator to your relationship (was it casual, committed, life long etc) .

In a long term relationship, you create anchors that provide some stability in the relation. Things such as; house, kids, mutual friends, mutual interests etc.

You didn't have many of these, so as I put above it Sounds like your relationship was always temporary in his mind.

CharizMa · 20/01/2018 11:47

Imagine letting a temporary relationship drift on for over a decade. It's crap. Mind you a man did it to me for a couple of years because he wanted DC and we were both 43/44. Then at 46 he suddenly thought I want to be a father. Now he is trying to persuade women nearly a decade younger than him to go out with him and the only ones who will are the ones he calls bodyclock panickers when he is one himself. He bemoans this to me. Althoguh I don't talk to him anymore. So I know that men do do this. But for a decade+!?

Dard · 20/01/2018 12:57

He will look like a fool my ex bumped into a mutual friend he simply said we had split up not the case 2 affairs on the go.Our friend asked in all innocents is this your daughter he said no my partner.The 21 year old eastern European trollop gushed they had met in a coffee shop they did she was a waitress .They are wankersWine

LaurelHolly · 20/01/2018 13:53

Morbius Why are you trying to stick the boot in and devalue Foster's last 12 years? She said they had a great relationship, then things changed. It happens. It doesn't mean she been deluded for years or at fault for not insisting on mutual friends etc. He looked elsewhere then took the coward's way out in a sly and hurtful way.

Foster you sound amazingly strong. You're amazing.

PrimalLass · 22/01/2018 11:27

Your comment about mutual friends is interesting and may be an indicator to your relationship (was it casual, committed, life long etc)

Nonsense. I can't image DP socialising with any of our friends from "my side" if we split, just as I would likely not be invited to social things with 'his' friends. Been together 22 years.

user1483644229 · 26/01/2018 22:54

Hi OP, Just checking in. How are you?

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 27/01/2018 08:58

So so. A bit glum but ok. He finally got in touch. Said, 'At least say something'. I continued to ignore. I then got a woe is me text, saying he'd lost his best friend (i.e., me). No explanation, no sorry, nothing. Just a one-man pity party. And so I finally cracked. I sent him one line back and a photo of them together. Funnily enough, there was no response to that! Anyway, predictably, it stirred up all the emotions again, I didn't sleep that night and the eczema on my eyes flared up. It's now a couple of days later and I'm calming down again. If it's possible, I loathe him even more now. He's proven to be nothing more than an arrogant, callous coward.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 27/01/2018 09:27

His type always come crawling back. Because you’ve not gone ‘cap in hand’ to him ‘begging for his affections’ he’s panicked and reached out to you in the hope you’ll massage his ego again. I’ll lay money on the fact he’ll contact you again at some point.

Stay strong OP Flowers

mummmy2017 · 27/01/2018 09:30

Told you, even if it was just flirting with her, it was way more fun when You didn't know, as it had an extra kick to it, he now has lost more than he realises, as you don't have his back.

Treat yourself to something nice...

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 27/01/2018 09:34

Thanks both. I'm off out to Manchester today with an 11 year old to have some fun!

OP posts:
MiMi78 · 27/01/2018 09:39
Flowers Could you bring yourself to block him contacting you OP? As another poster said, his kind always come crawling back. You'll probably get more of this as time goes on and the excitement with the OW begins to fade.
Teensandfuture · 27/01/2018 09:57

Foster
He probably didn't reply because you took him by surprise showing that pic.He can't come up with plausible explanation so says nothing. Until he will mastermind something. It's not the end , he will be in touch.

I get a feeling you can still get him back, if you want to. Honeymoon with new girl will be over soon , if not already and 12 year can't be dismissed just like that.Hes appealing to this ie he lost best friend .

Turnedacorner · 27/01/2018 10:12

ThanksThanksThanks

BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2018 10:19

I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist getting in touch. Until you sent that picture he probably still believed he’d got away with it because he’s an arrogant knob.

Well done op. You’re doing so well

Dard · 27/01/2018 11:00

Have a lovely day been thinking of you.definitely not last you have heard from him.Flowers

user1483644229 · 27/01/2018 12:01

I figured he would eventually crack and contact you. I hope your day today is nice today but understand that your mind will be elsewhere- that’s to be expected. My ‘cold’ ex contacted me randomly. Once was to ask about good holiday destinations in Greece. Just out of the blue after a good year of not being in contact. Turns out he was moving his girlfriend over from Brazil and must have been thinking hard about it all (perhaps who knows!)

Dard · 27/01/2018 13:26

So this is how he treats his best friend?
Low lifexx

NameWithChange · 27/01/2018 16:59

He was trying to ascertain if he had got away with it.

What a twat. Not surprised it stirred up your emotions.

What can he say? Caught out and now he's made his bed and he can lie in it.

He has lost his best friend, he's a fool.

Keep rising above OP.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 28/01/2018 09:54

On reflection, Name, I think you're right. I was sure that he knew that I knew but actually now, perhaps he didn't and was hedging his bets. Sending him the photo removed any doubt. I know I keep saying this and then am subsequently proved wrong......but NOW I really don't think I'll hear back. What can he say now? There is nothing to be said. I don't want to fix it or have him back in any capacity in my life. He's proved he's not in my corner and that he's untrustworthy, so why would I want him. Truly, she's welcome to him.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 28/01/2018 12:46

Ok I said several times he would be back and he was.

I expect he will be again, once his "relationship" with this woman is over he will come back. I'd bet on it. I think this for two years. 1. You "finished" this (you had no choice obviously and he won't like that or be used to it. 2. You will be unattainable to him and he won't like that or be used to that.