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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered OH is with someone else

659 replies

Fosterdog123 · 07/01/2018 19:04

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 16/01/2018 22:06

I'm trying my very hardest to transition smoothly into middle age but watching your youth and bloom and vigour evaporate in front of you is tough. I'm a strident feminist to my core and I loathe how women are treated and how disregarded older women are and I try my best not to be vacuous and place currency on looks but it seems that middle aged men absolutely do.

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Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 16/01/2018 22:13

Meant to say, he's never been tight!!

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CharizMa · 16/01/2018 22:16

Fosterdog I know exactly what you mean.

Itsalottery · 16/01/2018 22:19

I think you are being very dignified and it is giving me resolve to do the same.

It is interesting what you say about middle age. I wonder why men are still appealing but us women are seen as done, often by ourselves as well as men. Most middle aged women I know are full of much more vigour and humour than the many male counterparts these days but we are still seen as to be rejected.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 16/01/2018 22:48

Ps, thank you again to everyone replying on here. Despite having good friends, this has made me feel quite isolated and lonely. The support on here has been amazing and has without question made me stronger.

Lottery - I feel very hurt, sad and still in shock really. I can't quite believe what he's done. He adored me, loved me passionately, admired and respected me, liked me, fancied the arse off me and we were madly in love for at least 10 years. The things I called him today whilst I was driving along in my car turned the air blue though. Literally overnight, my feelings for him have vanished. How can he do what he's done. He's a weaselling bastard and hell will freeze over before I let him destroy me and turn me into a shell of a woman.

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CharizMa · 16/01/2018 22:58

it's a lottery, I think 3/4s of it is just men's entitlement. And they seek out younger partners with an expectation that any relationship formed with a younger partner has a good chance of lasting. Imagine if women did the same.. I swear some days my inbox has more messages from men 10 years younger than me than five years older and yet I shy away from the younger ones in the belief that I want something lasting!

if women all refused to pander to men's entitlement and only went out with men who were equally as well preserved for their age as we are for ours then this shit would end.

DrMorbius · 17/01/2018 19:46

i feel very hurt, sad and still in shock really. I can't quite believe what he's done. He adored me, loved me passionately, admired and respected me, liked me, fancied the arse off me and we were madly in love for at least 10 years, you went from this to limping along in one year????

Do you think by you may have misread your whole relationship?

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 17/01/2018 20:08

I don't think I've mis-read the whole relationship! I hope not anyway. We had a fabulous 10 years. The 11th year was tough and the 12th year limped on. Looking back, he was detaching in the last 12 months, although he never once said anything about wanting to split up. He's taken the cowards way out, culminating in him discarding me for a younger model but without having the decency to tell me.

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DrMorbius · 17/01/2018 20:33

OK, so how do you go from He adored me, loved me passionately, admired and respected me, liked me, fancied the arse off me and we were madly in love for at least 10 years ........... to tough ?

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 17/01/2018 20:51

Because over the space of a year, gradually, drip by drip, his feelings started to fade.

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Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 17/01/2018 20:54

You'd have to ask him why. He hasnt shown me the courtesy of explaining anything. He's let his actions speak louder than words by going behind my back and fucking someone else.

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Tstar27 · 17/01/2018 22:23

I'm Just shocked someone could walk away after 12 years, he should have the decency to address it.

What an arse.

You sound like a catch- he's loss.

Dard · 18/01/2018 11:34

Has he not crawled out from under his stone?Flowers

Mammysin · 18/01/2018 11:58

Yep he is certainly an arse! Hope you are doing ok Foster?

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 18/01/2018 13:22

Nope, not a peep from him. Like I said, I will never hear from him again. He's too stubborn (perversely, given that it's what he called me!). I'm doing fine. Absolutely no urge to look at social media. Let him get on with it. 💪🏼

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Dard · 19/01/2018 09:46

Your very brave hope u have great weekend and spoil yourself WineFlowers

BitOutOfPractice · 19/01/2018 14:13

Don't you have stuff at each other's places? or mutual friends or anything?

KeziaOAP · 19/01/2018 15:10

He’s a coward not having the guts to tell you about her even when you asked if there was someone else. Does he have family, would they wonder where you are? Of course he could have told them and mutual friends that you left him/were having affair to absolve himself of any blame.

Have a son bit younger than you, would be very angry with him if he did this.

Take care.

BattleCuntGalactica · 19/01/2018 15:25

I hope his dick rots slowly and falls off.

mummmy2017 · 19/01/2018 15:50

A new woman when your cheating makes it exciting, he would have phoned you while with her as it made it all seem an adventure.

You were kind loving and not a money grabber, while from the little you have gleamed about the OW doesn't make it seem the same. He will soon realise she isn't you,,isn't his friend as well as his lover, and after 12 years you wouldn't even need to ask somethings, and he will miss that.

I hope karma gives him a hard life with her, and she dumps him for some smart lad, and he sees what he lost..

SeaEagleFeather · 19/01/2018 16:10

You are one hell of a class act, fosterdog. Respect!

notsodimwit · 19/01/2018 19:58

Just read all of your thread x you are one strong independent classy lady Flowers stuff them both! ..some people just don't know what they have lost until its too late x

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 19/01/2018 20:36

We have bits at each other's place but nothing significant that can't be replaced. We don't have mutual friends as such. We have our own friends who we went out with jointly but my friends are in the same camp as Battle and hope his dick slowly rots and want nothing more to do with him. I'm pretty sure some of his mates will be deeply envious of his new girlfriend and think he's fucking awesome for trading up.

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notsodimwit · 19/01/2018 21:20

A man who works for my dh left his same age classy partner for a younger tramp and everyones laughing behind his back! He thinks he`s such a stud!Blush

DrMorbius · 20/01/2018 09:24

After 12 years, you don't have mutual friends???? Sounds like your relationship was always temporary in his mind.

I'm pretty sure some of his mates will be deeply envious of his new girlfriend and think he's fucking awesome for trading up only if they too are vacuous.

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