Just discovered OH is with someone else

[Fosterdog123]

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

Yep, no living together. Have never wanted to. Been there, done that. Am really independent and like my own space. Never been an aspiration of mine.

Whaaaaat?! My mind cannot conceive of someone better looking than DG(David not Dean!) Feel free to substitute Daniel Craig ( leaves me cold but...) I forgot about the pin placement but my psychic powers tell me we are in agreement about the placement... 😊

I think he is so up himself that he will will contact you.

Just read thread OP. Well done. Your dignity shines through.

Just to say if you do have a moment where you feel overwhelmed to communicate with him, type a message in the notes part of your phone. That helped me get it out of my system with a nasty ex, but it never got sent so all good. Reading them back a few days later I was so glad I hadn't sent them too!

I do think he will contact again, as you said you have never ignored him like this before so it is unknown waters. Stay strong. Your silence is your biggest weapon. I hope these horrible grief waves pass over you quickly and you can move on to brighter days.

OP, sorry to clarify but just re-read thread. Are you sure from the photos you have seen that they are definitely together? Is it possible that she is just some pole dancing wanna be who has been hanging around him and his friends to try and gain something for herself?

Just to say what a twat! 12 years is a long time...
Let him stay with her! She will leave him soon enough!

Name - I'm 99.9999999% certain, plus, if he wasn't guilty, he'd be going crazy about why I was ignoring him.

Because the photos clearly show that?

I just wondered if he was reluctant about contact as you said he has been saying that you have been cold and distant and it's been a tough 12 months and accusing you of being with someone else etc.

Sorry, don't want to confuse things and secret SM accounts don't sound like a good sign but if there isn't any real concrete proof he's actually shagging her isn't it possible he thinks you are dumping him and not interested anyway by your silence?

Yeah the photos show it.

I'm sorry.

Hope u are okx

Hope you are ok today OP. Have been following this. My DH fucked off with an OW after 12 years together. We were living together and had a child so it wasn't the 'clean break' that you are experiencing but it was very sudden. To go from being in a supposedly committed relationship to nothing overnight is such a shock. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing in not responding/contacting him. Do you have anything expensive of his that you can burn, perhaps? The next time you are full of rage it might be cathartic

I'm doing ok. I'm still very up-and-down but I guess that's only to be expected. It's still very early days.

Margot - I'm so sorry this has happened to you too and with added complications. I'm not sure I'd be quite as strong if I had to maintain some kind of contact. The only way I can maintain my dignity and emotions is to go cold turkey. I had a brief moment today though where I wanted to rant at him. Really though, there's literally no point whatsoever.

I have an expensive t-shirt of his here that I've just remembered. I'll put it in the charity bag! I've also got some expensive gifts from over the years which I came close to flinging out but then I thought, hang on a sec, let's not be too hasty here..... 😆

The bit that's been on my mind a lot is, so what's next? What do I want to do with myself and the rest of my life. Do I want to date again? (Not a massive fan of men these days, couldn't stand any rejection, do I really want to date 50 year olds, don't want sex with a new body - yuk!!). Am I content to be by myself for the rest of my days? Possibly. Facing the world as a middle aged woman is quite a different prospect than being a sexy young gun too with the world at your feet and the pick of the fellas!

I would think some time by yourself will help you work out your next steps. Your own company can do wonders for clarity. Whatever your future holds, I hope it is happy.

Not making a decision is making a decision Foster. You sound fab and I'll bet you're gorgeous! What do you feel like doing? New haircut is the obvious, I spose. You could do the Eat, Pray,Love thing... Am angrily having 🥃 on your behalf tho'. Feel free to disregard 😊

Hope you're doing ok @Fosterdog123, thinking of you.

That is what is most galling, they never dump you when you are a pretty young thing with the world and options at your feet. They wait for the precise moment when your power and options are fading to pull the trigger knowing they can replace you easily with another pretty young thing or at the very worse a 35 year old while you will find it much harder.

Foster I’m a woman in her late 40s who had a younger and good looking husband. We split last year and I was consumed with thoughts I would never meet someone I fancy at my age children in tow etc. I’ve met a man who I absolutely fancy like mad. Same age, Spanish, sporty yum yum I can only say don’t write yourself off and I certainly don’t consider myself in the same way as I did 20 years ago pre two pregnancies (where i put on 5 stone each time)! You’ve had a terrible blow and you have been treated so badly, but please please don’t think that about yourself. You sound incredible!

I'd rather a less attractive man who valued me more highly so if you end up with somebody else you will probably feel you traded up.

I am single but only this last couple of years have I been trying to ''get to know myself'' sounds terribly Oprah I know. I picked back up all my hobbies that I'd loved between 8 and 14 as I read that that's a good way of sparking interests. I made clay figures while listening to podcasts by lourdes viado (i'll link!) and drinking wine. Also dressmaking, writing, book club. All I need to do nwo is get the roller skates out and see if I can still do a backwards figure of eight.
A man or the pursuit of a relationship has impeded this progress that I should have been making at this stage in my life.
I felt on the scrap heap and that was coming through in my 'search' for a relationship I think. OLD will be on my terms or not at all from now all. I think it was an Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat Pray Love) clip on Ted talk that gave me the idea to follow through on picking back up all the things I said I'd do if I had time.

Facing the world as a middle aged woman is quite a different prospect than being a sexy young gun too with the world at your feet and the pick of the fellas! Only if you are vacuous, and believe beauty is skin deep. A middle aged women also has the world at her feet.

good collection of talks for women in their 40s and 50s

These talks really turned my thinking around, from feeling on the scrap heap to feeling that I had a stronger personality about to erupt out of me (or something like that)

Well, I hope so, but it is a different set of experiences. Different tools are required. For years, the necessary skills were to reject men's advances without injuring their fragile egos so that they didn't suddenly turn against you or trash you or whatever. NOW, as an older woman the set of skills needed are different. ACCEPT that men will find younger women's jokes funnier, even if you said it first and the comment was left hanging. I work in the sort of environment where being popular with the men gives you a bit of status I guess. This wouldnt be the case in a much more female environment. Also, if you work where men's approval is not required to progress, or to be included in the socialising or work chat.

Can you have some of his money? I would.

Mrsbeverley - I would be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind about money. I could calmly ask for some and he might say yes (he's never been right) or I could threaten to chuck a bomb into his world and blackmail him. A couple of ruthless friends have suggested the same! I think though that I wouldn't feel good about it and it'd leave a bitter taste in my mouth. It's not my money, I haven't earnt it, I'm not destitute and I'd feel like I'd let myself down ultimately.