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Original poster

Question to the OW

249 replies

Wintersnow17 · 07/01/2018 18:22

My DH had an affair and is now with the OW.

I feel betrayed, devastated, sad beyond belief.

So I have questions in all honesty to anyone out there who is the OW.

How do you justify it to yourself?
What is it that makes you do it?
How can you live with yourself knowing what it does to the other person?
I really want to know to try to stop tying myself up in knots.

And I know it's not just the OW but you see your DH but not the OW.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 11/01/2018 16:15

Generally, I would say that anger at the OW/OM is misdirected. It's the partner/spouse who is betraying you, they are the ones to focus on. They are the ones who should finish one relationship before they start the next one.

Having said that, it's easy to have one's head turned. When I first began to be friendly with someone going though a divorce, I had read the signed and court approved divorce papers, including the financial settlement, before I gave any conscious consideration to anything more than a friendship. That is one way to be sure, well i suppose really to reduce that you are being spun a line.

TheDrinksAreOnMe · 11/01/2018 16:19

Generally, I would say that anger at the OW/OM is misdirected. It's the partner/spouse who is betraying you, they are the ones to focus on. They are the ones who should finish one relationship before they start the next one

Whilst I agree with this, if a woman is well aware a man is married with children then she deserves some of it. Its brutal. She plays a part!
As women I honestly believe we should look out for each other, laugh in the face of a man who says "oh we don't sleep together anymore" yadda yadda.

dreamies · 11/01/2018 17:32

I understand you feeling the need for closure and answers op.
I spent a long time wondering all the things you are, probably more time was spent wondering about ow than ex as I had him sussed out pretty quickly, her I just couldn't understand.
I told her the truth, a decency she didnt return to me, I sent her proof he was a liar and that his whining about our relationship and how we didn't sleep together anymore definitely wasn't true.
Showed her proof it wasn't the first time he'd cheated among other dishonest scummy things.
I still don't understand how she sleeps at night next to a known cheat and liar, I'd be seriously worried if I were her, but I don't care anymore, I'm thankful to her for saving me, and now she's his victim.
If anything I hope they stay together just so either of them are not inflicting themselves on innocent decent people .
She was also in a relationship so also a cheat. Her ex and I are both much happier now.

WinchestersInATardis · 11/01/2018 18:35

And really awful to see how much the affair partners refuse to understand why the cheated-on feel so strongly. You've reminded me why I would never get involved with someone I knew had cheated in the past. The lack of empathy is incredible.

You're assuming the OWs haven't been cheated on.

I always acknowledged how much his wife must have been hurting.

I genuinely don't get that. If you know how much you're hurting someone else, how can you do it?
My experience of being cheated on taught me that I couldn't do it to my worst enemy.

WinchestersInATardis · 11/01/2018 18:50

Although Arkangel, I seem to remember from upthread that you only embarked on a relationship once he'd moved out and made it clear that the marriage was done.
I wouldn't consider that an affair tbh or being the OW.
Leaving because a marriage isn't working and the love is gone is hurtful but it's one of those things. I'd say the definition of an affair is when the cheating spouse keeps their partner in the dark about having sex or falling in love with another person.

HipNewName · 11/01/2018 23:30

My experience of being cheated on taught me that I couldn't do it to my worst enemy.

Yeah, I'm with you. I think that affairs aren't that big of a deal to the people having them, and yet soul destroying to the spouse who is being cheated on. There's no way to be the OW and yet think of yourself as nice person or a good person when you know how affairs effect the cheated on spouse.

I think that part of the vitriol aimed at former OW comes from the smugness that some OW have. Obviously not all OW, but some.

Original poster
Wintersnow17 · 12/01/2018 06:56

Not posted for a while . Been trying to sort out all the different ideas.

I agree that it is the DH who has had the affair and abused trust etc, but the OW knows that there is someone in the background who will be hurt (understatement for what you go through) it makes them accountable too. I also think it doesn't matter what lies they've been told - unless they can be sure the man is separated then don't embark on a relationship.
If the OW is truly in the dark and has no idea there is another woman that is different.
As a betrayed spouse, as Winchester says I could never inflict this pain on anyone.
But it returns to my original- in my case she knew he was with someone, so what lies did he tell? Or did she just not care?
Therefore do you inform the OW of what really is happening?
I guess there are no easy answers .

I do believe that people in relationships who start affairs are weak .
If they are having what someone called 'an exit affair' then be decent enough to end the relationship first.
If it us a quick fling , again it is weak.
There is no excuse for an affair. None.

OP posts:
niteandfog · 12/01/2018 11:48

As the OW I can accept that there is no excuse for an affair. And we do think about the BS and we do feel guilty about the whole thing. However, I do think every affair/relationship is different do you can't say they're all clichéd. I do think some of them might "just happen" -not in my case btw- and that sometimes the BS is not portrayed as a witch / horrible woman. so in that way no lies are actually said.

Redguitar2 · 12/01/2018 12:00

niteandfog I won't lie, I'm a bit sick of seeing you floating around these message boards essentially bragging about being the OW. I've read your other threads. You seem almost proud of what you're doing. You need help. Please find some!

DotCottonDotCom · 12/01/2018 12:06

As the OW I can accept that there is no excuse for an affair
Why you jumping about the forum making excuses then? Redguitar2 isn't wrong, you're so smug about it.

niteandfog · 12/01/2018 12:08

No, not bragging. But we're simply not the scum of the earth that everybody thinks we are.

Redguitar2 · 12/01/2018 12:14

niteandfog no you're worse than scum of the earth. I've been the wife and was left absolutely devastated by the betrayal. The OW knew all about me and our 11 month old son. I'd just come out the other side of PND.

You are absolutely bragging. Nothing about what you are saying in any thread says to me you are a decent woman. You're willing to give up your own daughter for a fling with a man that is most likely still fucking his (sick!) wife whilst whispering in her ear how much he loves her. You're delusional. There are much worse words that I would use to describe you than scum. I won't waste my breath- you know what an abhorant human being you are.

DotCottonDotCom · 12/01/2018 12:14

No, not bragging. But we're simply not the scum of the earth that everybody thinks we are

Hmm You're in a different league

HoHoHoHo · 12/01/2018 12:33

I genuinely don't get that. If you know how much you're hurting someone else, how can you do it?

Do you acknowledge that buying cheap clothes hurts the people that make them in awful conditions yet still do as it is more convenient?

Do you acknowledge the damage that plastic does to the world yet still use it?

Do you acknowledge that resources for the NHS as finite and a penny spent on you or your child means it can’t be spent on someone else yet would fight tooth and nail for expensive treatment if it could save you or your child?

I am not saying the people who do these are bad things but in everyday life we regularly put our needs before others. It isn’t exclusive to OW.

WinchestersInATardis · 12/01/2018 12:50

No, not bragging. But we're simply not the scum of the earth that everybody thinks we are.

I wouldn't call anyone the scum of the earth and I don't think you're bragging.

I do think you're seeking validation. You want us to understand why in your case your behaviour maybe isn't great but it is understandable.

And this is where the problem lies. Those of us who have been the betrayed spouse know just how utterly devastating your affair might be to be the wife of your MM.
Our sympathies are always going to be with the person who gets hurt, and not the people who know they're hurting someone else and carry on anyway.

niteandfog · 12/01/2018 12:58

WinchestersInATardis I think you've nailed, and maybe I wouldn't call it validation but in essence I agree with you. I know that if she read 10% of what he writes to me her heart will break in a million pieces and neither of us want that. My Stbxh can tell when I'm chatting to him and I can also see how his face drops, and we both know our marriage has reached its ending. So I can only imagine what it would do to someone who still has faith in theirs.

WinchestersInATardis · 12/01/2018 13:00

Do you acknowledge that buying cheap clothes hurts the people that make them in awful conditions yet still do as it is more convenient?....
..I am not saying the people who do these are bad things but in everyday life we regularly put our needs before others. It isn’t exclusive to OW.

No, of course selfish and hurtful behaviour isn't exclusive to being the OW but it still doesn't make it okay to knowingly cause hurt to someone else for your own benefit Hmm

Redguitar2 · 12/01/2018 13:03

I know that if she read 10% of what he writes to me her heart will break in a million pieces and neither of us want that.

You're previous posts suggest otherwise. You've admitted to wanting to tell her the truth if her DH doesn't leave her for you. Don't pretend you care about her feelings. You realise he probably repeats the same and more to his wife? You aren't his one and only. Don't flatter yourself.

niteandfog · 12/01/2018 13:25

No, no... It's not if he doesn't leave her for me.. I actually don't want that and that's not how it's played. His words (not mine) "is to get out of our problematic marriages" . I'm not reason why he's leaving her just as he's not the reason why I'm divorcing.

But if it all happens to be a lie (which I actually don't think it is) then maybe she deserves to know. But in the end I do love him so I have to respect whatever he thinks it's best for his life.

Estellanpip · 12/01/2018 14:14

Since this is anonymous, I'll admit to the most shameful episode in my life.
About 10 years ago I was pregnant and happily engaged. Until I found out he had been cheating on me. The OW used to look at my Facebook page (so new that I was expecting a baby aswell), posted 'love letters' through my door and left messages on his car. He stopped seeing her when I said he had to choose but she stalked us for months and sent abuse. She told me she wanted to be a family with him and my unborn child.
Anyway I left him after giving birth and wising up.

Fast forward a year and I met someone on a night out. He kept messaging persistently me and one look at his social media revealed he had just married the OW! I don't know what made me go along with it, he spoke horribly about his wife so knew that he wasn't a catch and I didn't have strong feelings for him, I knew there were other women he was chasing after besides me aswell.
She was beside herself when she found out. To some people it would've been the perfect revenge, but that wasn't what I was doing it for. But at the same time I didn't care about her feelings.

I justified it to myself for years but now I feel disgusted in myself and wish it hadn't happened.

BackInTheRoom · 12/01/2018 14:27

@Estellanpip

Karma.

How weird though?

Are they still together?

Estellanpip · 12/01/2018 14:32

No, Bibbi. Apparently he kept getting caught out with different women, they got divorced eventually.

Redguitar2 · 12/01/2018 14:34

'But if it all happens to be a lie (which I actually don't think it is) then maybe she deserves to know.'

Paint it how you want, you'd tell her and it certainly wouldn't be for her benefit, it'd be out of spite. If he was lying to you then it means he loves his wife and wants to be with her. How could you possibly the. Justify telling the wife about your affair. It's spite, plain and simple.

Redguitar2 · 12/01/2018 14:38

For what it's worth I think he is telling you a lie. You aren't the first and won't be the last OW to be rejected by the cheating man. You are deluded and naive. Also, not telling him about your MH means that you're lying before any potential relationship could even get off the ground. Does he know you'll ditch your young DD if he doesn't leave his wife? You do realise that's emotional blackmail?

niteandfog · 12/01/2018 14:46

He knew I was / am married? I even told him about the divorce pretty much the same day ( I can't remember). He knows it's a complicated custody too, he knows I might just pack my bags and leave. He actually has told me in no uncertain terms that he wants me to give him the chance to show me he can make me the happiest woman alive (again his words). I really haven't lied to him. Yes, I haven't told him about my PMDD but also the first month we were together I had zero symptoms, so I am hoping it can definitely get milder as soon as I find some stability.