Is this just what I deserve?

[lessthanwise]

Please bear with me, I'm trying to cut a long story short: I had an affair with a younger man from work (11 years younger). At the time we were both married; his wife found out about it and we decided to end the affair. However, they still ended up separating (about 18 months ago) and somehow he and I ended up sleeping together again on and off even though I was still married. This is all done now so I don't need to be told how wrong it is. Anyway, whilst I was still with my husband I found out that I was pregnant with the other mans child. Obviously I had no choice but to confess what had happened to my husband and he and I separated. Since then the younger man and myself have tried to take things slowly but make things work (in so far as one can take things slowly on a 9 month deadline). I moved in shortly before Xmas and thought things were going well. Of course the situation is less than ideal but I thought we had made the best of it. Here's the problem. Due to being so heavily pregnant (I'm due this month) I'm usually in bed significantly earlier than he is (around 9 or 10pm). One night last week I woke up at 1am to use the loo and he still wasn't in bed so I went downstairs to see where he was (I thought maybe he'd fallen asleep on the sofa) and he was just sat on his phone. After he'd come to bed and fallen asleep I decided to snoop to see what he'd been doing that was so absorbing until 1am and he had been texting someone else. Another woman. There were so many messages going back to before we'd even gotten together so I couldn't read them all. They seem to talk all the time but he's never mentioned her to me and they seem to only talk when I'm not around. Some of the messages I scrolled through were just friendly chat, some were quite personal messages about me and about our situation and some were quite sexual. Well, very sexual. From what I've read they haven't slept together; this woman is often talking about how I've trapped him and he's ruined his life and how she wishes they could "fuck", that sort of thing. He replies saying he can't change the situation now as much as he wishes he could, he's "stuck" with me but that he does want to make it work for the sake of the baby, she'll just have to imagine he's there. Then it usually ends up with the very sexual talk about what they would do if things were different. I was reading the messages and they had sexual conversations (to varying degrees) most nights last week (which is when this happened). I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to one of my close friends and her attitude seemed to be along the lines of "well, what do you expect?". She talked about how we barely knew each other when I got pregnant and that this is what I should have expected from a relationship that started out with two people cheating and other really hurtful things that I totally didn't expect from a good friend. I know that affairs are bad, but do I deserve this? I thought we had just fallen in love at the wrong time. I know people got hurt along the way... I haven't discussed it with him yet because I just don't know what to say, where to begin or what the outcome would/should be. I'm about to give birth and I don't want to do it alone, I don't want to leave him but I can't just leave it and let him stay up late sexting this other woman! I feel like I don't have the energy to confront the situation right now. I just want it to all go away. I've been tearful and emotional a few times this week but I keep telling him it's just pregnancy hormones and nerves and I'm not feeling well etc. A part of me does feel like I deserve this... What can I do?

Is there anyone you could go and stay with while you have your baby? A relative? Where were you living before you moved in with him?

It’s true that you didn’t really know him and it seems clear that you can’t trust him. But blaming you for it, when you’re about to give birth, seems pointless and cruel.

What do you want to do now? Pretend you don’t know and just get through the next couple of months then end it with him? Move out, break up and go it alone? You wouldn’t be the first woman to have to do that and you’ll find a way to manage. Would that be better than loooking back at having been together through the birth of your child and the early weeks and months of that as having been a lie?

You’re in a horrible position and I’d pull back from your friend and the moral stuff and just focus on the practicalities for now. You need somewhere safe and comfortable to be to have your baby and supportive oriole around you. It might be where you are for now. It might be there’s somewhere else you could go but you’re the one who knows the details of your set up.

You and your baby don't deserve to be hurt and disrespected. Unfortunately, for you this may have felt like love and that you met someone that you wanted to be with but he appears to be a serial cheater. You may need to leave him. I'm sorry.

There is a difference between what your friend is saying and this being what you deserve. You didn't know this man properly and what you did know about him was that he has no loyalty to his partner, is comfortable lying and deceiving them and has poor morals. It is sadly not surprising that this is the outcome but you do not deserve this and don't stress out yourself and baby by making yourself feel guilty. You need to be super strong mama for him/ her.

Nobody deserves it and it doesn’t sound like he cares enough about you and you won’t trust him going forward. Talk to him, you may find he’s able to be a supportive co-parent without being in a relationship with you.

The first few weeks/months after having a baby are so intense and emotionally full on that I think you need to bring this up with him before then.

I'm sorry you're going through this it must be incredibly stressful.

I think it’s one think saying you deserved it and another saying “what did you expect?”

And honestly I read your thread thinking exactly what your friend said.

Of course he wasn’t going to be faithful, he couldn’t do that with his own wife but you couldn’t see that in the fog. In any other circumstance if you met a new man who had a history of cheating, would you trust him? It’s no different here, you were just on a high in the affair.

But no. You don’t deserve to be cheated on. No one does.

I think you need to move on and start as you wish to go on with the little one.

The thing is, I'm so embarrassed. I'm too embarrassed to tell people what has happened, including family. With us having worked together (we no longer do) it has all been quite public and of course many people have expressed their doubts about it working out. I've been the subject of a lot of office gossip (I'm a partner so not exactly a low profile character) and I don't want to prove all those people right. I don't live near family but didn't move far to be with my new partner. I can't go back to live with my parents, they're quite elderly and it just wouldn't work.

"he has no loyalty to his partner, is comfortable lying and deceiving them and has poor morals." Unfortunately the same is true of me. I was in the same position when the affair began.

I suppose I need to speak to him about it but that's when it becomes real. Decisions will need to be made and I'm just not sure I can face that right now. It has been a week and I've thought of little else so I can't not say anything and hope it goes away. It's unlikely to!

Never worry what other people think, just do what’s right for you and the baby.

"Of course he wasn’t going to be faithful, he couldn’t do that with his own wife but you couldn’t see that in the fog. In any other circumstance if you met a new man who had a history of cheating, would you trust him?"

As I have said, we were in the same situation. I was cheating too. He says he had never cheated before and I know I hadn't and it was something I never, ever wanted to do again and he said the same. Plus it's only texting so far. I know it's bad but it could be worse.

Karma that's what it's called

I agree with others - you seriously need to consider leaving and setting up home just for yourself and your baby. This man can't be trusted. You need to trust yourself. Staying with someone who isn't the right one for you, just because you'll be embarrassed at what others say must be the worst reason to stay with someone.

Leave him / get him to leave and then take the 'attack is best form of defence ' approach and announce the break-up yourself - "I know you all saw it coming, however we had to give the relationship our best shot. We tried , it didn't work out, but we tried. End of"

No it’s not what you deserve but people generally do not approve of affairs hence your friend’s reaction.

Agree with your friend. You had no issue hurting other people so now that its come back to you, you suddenly question this. You cheated again after he left his wife so you obviously didn't care about your dh. Can you imagine what you did to him by becoming pregnant to another man. It's just now you are getting to feel what you did to him. No sympathy.

Whether it was inevitable or deserved is really not relevant now - it has happened, and I would never stay with a man who's done this. PPs make the excellent point that he couldn't even commit to the woman he married - they were no doubt in love once too. Not everyone who cheats will cheat again, depends on the circumstances, but he's proven he can't be trusted

I have been pregnant with someone I shouldn't have got pregnant with. Sadly it was my abusive EXH. I naively thought he'd changed, he hadn't. The upshot was everyone thought I had made a terrible mistake. My parents were horrified.

The baby was born and he was gorgeous. I loved him from the minute I saw him and I was so happy despite the shit storm going on around me.

You are pregnant and congratulations. Don't let the complications overwhelm you. You can do this.

To put it bluntly f**k everyone else. Have your work colleagues never made a mistake? They are just delighted to have a bit of gossip, it makes them feel better about their own lives.

Tell your partner that you read the messages. You can be great parents even though you are not together.

The important thing is that you focus on yourself and your baby. Get excited about seeing your baby and being a mum. It can be a lovely time.

Work colleagues are just that - colleagues. If they left the company you would have nothing in common with them.

Start to hold your head high and be very proud of being an expectant mum. Your baby is not a mistake.

He says he had never cheated before

Do you still believe that, given what you now know?

This man is not monogamous. He's actively looking for sex elsewhere and you already know that he resents you for "trapping" him with a pregnancy.

So, practicalities. Yes, you may lose face with colleagues, but you could also put a spin on this of "wanted to have a child, sperm donor turned out to be a tosser, so I fucked him off."

It sounds like you are fairly senior in your profession so money for childcare etc shouldn't be an issue, plus knobhead will have to contribute maintenance as well.

It's easy for us to sit here and say "Oh just chuck him out" but you're the one doing the hard work. I know the idea of going it alone when you're about to give birth must be fucking terrifying but I really think in the long run you're better off binning him now and then at least you KNOW you only have your own resources to rely on, instead of thinking maybe you can lean on him... oh whoops no you can't because he's off trying to get his dick in someone else.

But no. You don’t deserve to be cheated on. No one does.

Just like like your DH didn't continually need to be either.

I think at the end of the day you can’t do anything about the office gossip. You’re in this situation now and you just have to think what’s best for you and the baby. Don’t with someone who thinks he’s trapped. If you stay with him you then face a break up that the child will be more aware of.

If I were you I’d figure out finically where to live, what will work etc. It won’t be easy being a single parent but as a partner I’m assuming you ought be able to afford help?

Basically in a month your priorities will be so different I think you need to attempt to jump your brain there and think more about your baby and less about yourself, gossip wise in particular.

It doesn't matter what people think, who cares?

You need to leave now, don't bring a baby into a relationship that's not even really real and very dysfunctional.

This man is not able to be faithful and will never just be with one person. Run for the hills.

Find the strength to 'go it alone'. Your terrible mistake has led the this wonderful gift of a baby, you job now is to do right by this child.

Those sunk costs are only going to accumulate, I am afraid

Unfortunately, despite all the signs being completely in the open, you have thrown your lot in with a serial cheat

Forget blame. It's too late for that. Get rid of him and go it alone. This is what I would do.

If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you.

When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

Cliches but true.

You're better off now going alone than having this extra mental load with a newborn. It's not going to get better but worse. Cut your losses now and make a new life with your baby.

I don't care if I get blasted for this but I think you deserve it, you both cheated on a significant other now you don't like it when the same thing has happened to you.

When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

Well vice versa potentially in this case too.

I genuinely wish you well with the rest of your pregnancy though.

I'll leave it there.