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Original poster

Is this just what I deserve?

182 replies

lessthanwise · 06/01/2018 12:31

Please bear with me, I'm trying to cut a long story short: I had an affair with a younger man from work (11 years younger). At the time we were both married; his wife found out about it and we decided to end the affair. However, they still ended up separating (about 18 months ago) and somehow he and I ended up sleeping together again on and off even though I was still married. This is all done now so I don't need to be told how wrong it is. Anyway, whilst I was still with my husband I found out that I was pregnant with the other mans child. Obviously I had no choice but to confess what had happened to my husband and he and I separated. Since then the younger man and myself have tried to take things slowly but make things work (in so far as one can take things slowly on a 9 month deadline). I moved in shortly before Xmas and thought things were going well. Of course the situation is less than ideal but I thought we had made the best of it. Here's the problem. Due to being so heavily pregnant (I'm due this month) I'm usually in bed significantly earlier than he is (around 9 or 10pm). One night last week I woke up at 1am to use the loo and he still wasn't in bed so I went downstairs to see where he was (I thought maybe he'd fallen asleep on the sofa) and he was just sat on his phone. After he'd come to bed and fallen asleep I decided to snoop to see what he'd been doing that was so absorbing until 1am and he had been texting someone else. Another woman. There were so many messages going back to before we'd even gotten together so I couldn't read them all. They seem to talk all the time but he's never mentioned her to me and they seem to only talk when I'm not around. Some of the messages I scrolled through were just friendly chat, some were quite personal messages about me and about our situation and some were quite sexual. Well, very sexual. From what I've read they haven't slept together; this woman is often talking about how I've trapped him and he's ruined his life and how she wishes they could "fuck", that sort of thing. He replies saying he can't change the situation now as much as he wishes he could, he's "stuck" with me but that he does want to make it work for the sake of the baby, she'll just have to imagine he's there. Then it usually ends up with the very sexual talk about what they would do if things were different. I was reading the messages and they had sexual conversations (to varying degrees) most nights last week (which is when this happened). I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to one of my close friends and her attitude seemed to be along the lines of "well, what do you expect?". She talked about how we barely knew each other when I got pregnant and that this is what I should have expected from a relationship that started out with two people cheating and other really hurtful things that I totally didn't expect from a good friend. I know that affairs are bad, but do I deserve this? I thought we had just fallen in love at the wrong time. I know people got hurt along the way... I haven't discussed it with him yet because I just don't know what to say, where to begin or what the outcome would/should be. I'm about to give birth and I don't want to do it alone, I don't want to leave him but I can't just leave it and let him stay up late sexting this other woman! I feel like I don't have the energy to confront the situation right now. I just want it to all go away. I've been tearful and emotional a few times this week but I keep telling him it's just pregnancy hormones and nerves and I'm not feeling well etc. A part of me does feel like I deserve this... What can I do?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 06/01/2018 20:12

I want him around. I want us to get back to being "us" again.

You're not going to get what you want though.

Do get sti checks for the sake of your baby.

offside · 06/01/2018 20:13

I second Justhere I cant imagine what your poor DH must be feeling. Not only has this happened to him but he’s probably also realised that he has a problem when it comes to conceiving and may also not get another chance at a family given his age (assuming he would settle down again with someone more his age). You seem so heartless towards your DH, so selfish.

offside · 06/01/2018 20:15

I think you should prepare yourself for coparenting at best. And yes, as another poster has said, karma.

JustHereForThePooStories · 06/01/2018 20:16

OP, the more I read of your waffle, the more I think you deserve it.

You’ve done horribly selfish things. You’re a horribly selfish person.

MiddleClassProblem · 06/01/2018 20:19

lessthanwise trouble is, no matter what you think about your “us” time, you’ve only had it as an affair or when you we’re pregnant. You’ve not had any time not under those parameters.

But it sounds like you’re happy to allow him to do this. So you’ll talk to him about it but turned a blind eye to sexting when he’s “horny” as long as it goes no further?

JustHereForThePooStories · 06/01/2018 20:20

Plus, you been living with him for less than four weeks and it’s already a mess with him looking for sex elsewhere. You’re kidding yourself if you think you’ll get your happily ever after.

SandyY2K · 06/01/2018 20:20

I think he will start feeling trapped.... despite contraception being a dual responsibility.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 06/01/2018 20:24

I’m a big believer in karma op. How do you think your dp wife feels that your having his baby or your poor dh? What your feeling is exactly how they feel. You were the mistress now by getting together your dp is trying to fill the vacancy. I would leave now you will be forever looking over your shoulder. He and you couldn’t be faithful in either of your marriages the same will happen again.

offside · 06/01/2018 20:27

If you wanted to experiment why didn’t you suggest this to your DH? And if you did and he said no, why did you not tell him you would have to seek sex elsewhere?

An affair was obviously on your mind when you set out flirting with him otherwise no thought of it not even being a possibility would have crossed your mind.

I hope you set better examples for your child.

offside · 06/01/2018 20:29

And your friend was just being truthful, that’s the mark of a true friend, ny some who just strokes your ego and tells you what you want to hear.

user1474652148 · 06/01/2018 20:29

I agree he is a serial cheat, and no intention whatsoever of making this work. It is better you know now.

Leave quietly and focus on your baby. He will hurt you over and over unless you leave. It is a lesson learnt what it feels to be on the other side, yes, but you deserve respect and your baby deserves a loving future.

PatriciaHolm · 06/01/2018 20:31

oh for heavens sake OP.

He wants no strings shagging from the chandeliers.

He isn't going to get that for a long time - post baby that just isn't going to be on your radar.

He doesn't want this baby.

He'll be gone by Easter, if he lasts that long.

You know this. It doesn't matter whether you deserve it, or not, or whatever. The simple facts are he got into this because you were a frustrated housewife up for some excitement. But that's all over now.

Gather up some self respect.

MorrisZapp · 06/01/2018 20:32

MN really hates women.

Two separate rules altogether. Woman cheats, she must be desperate/madly in love. Man cheats, he only wants sex.

'Once a cheater always a cheater', but only if you're a man.

Men who cheat get to cheat again and this is 'karma' for the woman.

OP, your situation sounds like an utter car crash and you're in deep denial about his sexting. But you are no worse a person than he is.

He's cheated multiple times so logic would suggest that 'karma' would be him on the receiving end but society at large and even MN prefer to look to women to protect other people's marriages. It was ever thus.

RainyApril · 06/01/2018 20:35

I think you'll spend the next few months or years jumping through hoops to prove how fun and adventurous you are, only to find out at some point that he's shagging someone else and telling her the same crap about you that he used to tell you about his wife.

He doesn't sound like a very nice man, and you need to give yourself a shake if your self respect has fallen so low that you're trying to convince yourself that it's not that bad that he's telling another woman he wants to fuck her.

offside · 06/01/2018 20:37

Morris I think his karma is that he wanted no strings sex and ended up with a family which comes with even more responsibility and a lifetime commitment which he obviously wasn’t interested in before otherwise he would’ve stayed with his wife.

But he isn’t the one posting here is he, if he was he would be getting the same responses I expect.

Fairenuff · 06/01/2018 20:37

Where are you getting that from Morris. They have both cheated multiple times and both will no doubt do so again. Neither seems to be showing remorse or regret. They are the same imo. Except OP is obviously going to be left holding the baby.

user1474652148 · 06/01/2018 20:39

Morris

Op is clearly not 'in love' with the man! And clearly she only did it for the exciting sex..... so they are equal. She too was adventurous and is almost certainly a serial cheat.

So what?

The difference and it is a huge and possibly avoidable difference is there is now a very real baby in the mix.

This is where she is compromised and all bets are off. For the short term anyway.

He is also a father and now has responsibilities. Karma reaches us all in the end

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 06/01/2018 20:39

I’m sure op his wife was trying to spice their sex life up when he was off shagging you.

Cuckooclocks · 06/01/2018 20:39

You will just have to make the best of it I think. Prepare yourself for a year or two down the line this all going down the pan but try to give it your best shot.

MorrisZapp · 06/01/2018 20:41

I don't mean the number of shags, I mean the number of people. OP says she never had an affair before. This is her first and only affair.

Her new dh is already cheating on her, so he's had at least two affairs.

But the guillotine knitters on here want to see the woman humiliated, not the man.

MorrisZapp · 06/01/2018 20:41

New DP, sorry. Or boyfriend I guess as he's hardly a partner.

DotCottonDotCom · 06/01/2018 20:42

My heart isn’t breaking a bit for your poor husband. Imagine trying for a baby with your wife for ten years and then having this happen

Agreed. How brutal!

Chippyway · 06/01/2018 20:44

OP you’re either trying to convince yourself this will work or you have worryingly low self esteem

I don’t believe you’re genuinely okay with the father of your baby sexting another woman? Who cares if it’s ‘just a wank’ when he’s horny. Just because he isn’t sleeping with her (yet) doesn’t mean it’s okay!!!

If he loved you and respected you he would not be behaving like this. Any half decent man would not let his partner/mother of his child be disrespected in the way this woman has spoken of you! Don’t you understand?? She bitches about you to high heavens yet he STILL CHOOSES to stay up sexting her instead of getting in bed with you!

I’m not gunna blast you for your affair. What’s done is done. I wouldn’t say you deserve this, you’re about to have a baby fgs, regardless of what you’ve done you and your child both still deserve a reliable partner and father but unfortunately neither of you have that.

I personally would leave. I know you don’t want to do it alone but let’s face it you already are. It seems poor old him can’t think straight when he’s got a hard on - how on Earth is he gunna be a reliable father? How’re you gunna feel when you’re body is hanging everywhere after just given birth, you’ve got sore boobs and can’t walk properly and he’s down stairs telling another woman how much he wants to fuck her?

Move out. Move on. And please have your last name as the baby’s last name too.

nousername123 · 06/01/2018 20:49

well to be fair to the OP she didn't actually have to say anything about her having an affair with this man. She knows what she did was wrong and doesn't need a "telling off" from people on here.
Obviously OP this is not ideal and is horrible for you. I know it's difficult but if you could move in with your parents until a few months after your baby is born I think that's the better option. I know it's not ideal but obviously you can't live a lie with this man who has said to this woman that he's stuck with you. Your emotions are probably all over the place at the moment but you can do it on your own.
People obviously don't approve of affairs but your friends are supposed to be supportive and telling you I told you so isn't helping. You know you shouldn't have done it you don't need a lecture off of every Tom Dick and Harry.
Good luck OP x

Fairenuff · 06/01/2018 20:55

This is her first and only affair.

Her new dh is already cheating on her, so he's had at least two affairs.

But the guillotine knitters on here want to see the woman humiliated, not the man.

To be fair, OP herself has said she's not in a position to follow her 'exciting' sexual urges at the moment, due to her pregnancy. Give her time and I'm sure she'll be back in the saddle.

They share equal responsibility here. If he was posting he would be getting a massive pasting. But he's not. Probably the only sensible decision he's made in a while.