Is this just what I deserve?

[lessthanwise]

Please bear with me, I'm trying to cut a long story short: I had an affair with a younger man from work (11 years younger). At the time we were both married; his wife found out about it and we decided to end the affair. However, they still ended up separating (about 18 months ago) and somehow he and I ended up sleeping together again on and off even though I was still married. This is all done now so I don't need to be told how wrong it is. Anyway, whilst I was still with my husband I found out that I was pregnant with the other mans child. Obviously I had no choice but to confess what had happened to my husband and he and I separated. Since then the younger man and myself have tried to take things slowly but make things work (in so far as one can take things slowly on a 9 month deadline). I moved in shortly before Xmas and thought things were going well. Of course the situation is less than ideal but I thought we had made the best of it. Here's the problem. Due to being so heavily pregnant (I'm due this month) I'm usually in bed significantly earlier than he is (around 9 or 10pm). One night last week I woke up at 1am to use the loo and he still wasn't in bed so I went downstairs to see where he was (I thought maybe he'd fallen asleep on the sofa) and he was just sat on his phone. After he'd come to bed and fallen asleep I decided to snoop to see what he'd been doing that was so absorbing until 1am and he had been texting someone else. Another woman. There were so many messages going back to before we'd even gotten together so I couldn't read them all. They seem to talk all the time but he's never mentioned her to me and they seem to only talk when I'm not around. Some of the messages I scrolled through were just friendly chat, some were quite personal messages about me and about our situation and some were quite sexual. Well, very sexual. From what I've read they haven't slept together; this woman is often talking about how I've trapped him and he's ruined his life and how she wishes they could "fuck", that sort of thing. He replies saying he can't change the situation now as much as he wishes he could, he's "stuck" with me but that he does want to make it work for the sake of the baby, she'll just have to imagine he's there. Then it usually ends up with the very sexual talk about what they would do if things were different. I was reading the messages and they had sexual conversations (to varying degrees) most nights last week (which is when this happened). I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to one of my close friends and her attitude seemed to be along the lines of "well, what do you expect?". She talked about how we barely knew each other when I got pregnant and that this is what I should have expected from a relationship that started out with two people cheating and other really hurtful things that I totally didn't expect from a good friend. I know that affairs are bad, but do I deserve this? I thought we had just fallen in love at the wrong time. I know people got hurt along the way... I haven't discussed it with him yet because I just don't know what to say, where to begin or what the outcome would/should be. I'm about to give birth and I don't want to do it alone, I don't want to leave him but I can't just leave it and let him stay up late sexting this other woman! I feel like I don't have the energy to confront the situation right now. I just want it to all go away. I've been tearful and emotional a few times this week but I keep telling him it's just pregnancy hormones and nerves and I'm not feeling well etc. A part of me does feel like I deserve this... What can I do?

I don’t feel sorry for the ex husband and ex wife at all, it sounds like they are much better off without this car crash.

OP you must know deep down, from being in such a long relationship with your husband, that the way your new man is acting isn’t normal in a relationship?
If you think it is then invest in some form of counselling for yourself to learn better boundaries.

More importantly, if you left him do you think he’d come back to you? Think he’d work as hard as possible to keep you and the relationship, in an ‘I love you’ sense rather than ‘I have a duty to’ sense?

The answer is probably no. He is sexting at least one woman. Who knows what he does at work, nights out, gym etc etc.
What about a year or so in and you’re back to having sex, will he then start accusing you of affairs because you both know you’re capable? Will he want more children with you? You with him?

It sounds like you have so many things to tackle in a brand new relationship. When for us average folk it’s a honeymoon period. It just sounds like one massive headfuck.

Good god. I felt sorry for before OP now I’m wondering how someone can think the way you do

He's not this serial cheat that you're describing

He might not be a serial cheater but he’s certainly a piece of shit who cheats on his wife, and when his other woman becomes pregnant he then starts sexting another woman just weeks before his child is born.

He hasn't been nagging me for sex or mentioned wanting to spice things up. I'm just aware (from early pregnancy and before) that he's a very horny man who likes certain things that I can't really provide at the moment. Of course when things do get intimate we discuss what we might like to do "when we can", but he's not actively been putting any pressure on me

Ahhh so because he isn’t nagging you for sex it’s okay? It’s okay that he’s sexting another woman? You do realise the ONLY reason why he’s not nagging you is because he’s getting his kicks elsewhere - by sexting somebody else! He should be laying off sex out of respect, laying off sex but sexting somebody else makes him an arsehole

What I'm saying is, other than this other woman that he's been sexting and sharing intimate details with, he's actually been very good

Oh my god. Do you realise how pathetic that sounds? You do realise there should not be an ‘other then that...’.!!! if someone murdered your mother would you stand up in court and say “he’s not a murderer! Other than killing my mum he’s been very good at not hurting anybody. He doesn’t deserve this!” Of course you bloody wouldn’t.

OP didn’t you say you were in your 40s? I’m just over half your age and I’m sorry but I can confidently say you’re being fucking stupid here.
I did feel sorry for you despite your affair. But after reading your most recent replies, I no longer do. The only one I feel sorry for (other than the ex husband and wife) is your child. He’s got a disrespectful arsehole as a father who in all honesty isn’t interested and would rather it not exist, and it’s mother is incredibly naive and so little self esteem. The baby stands no chance

Take a look in the mirror. Have a word with yourself. Grow a back bone. And then grow up.

Look at this as good luck.

You’ve seen his true colours now, even if you were blind to them before. You’ve got a chance to get out of this situation and move forwards with your baby, and to determine how your lives are going to be right from the start of your baby’s life.

This guy is a loser.

If I were you I'd cut my losses, he is part of a miserable chapter in your life and he's already half way out the door. Wouldn't you like a fresh start for you and your baby.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

You have a baby out of this sad chapter so focus on the future, it's your opportunity not to repeat the same mistakes. Save yourself before you become even more invested with this man. When the child comes there will be a whole new set of worries and he will be a drain and a distraction so take control now while you can.

I hope you're not staying with this man out of misplaced masochism. Yes you hurt your ex but it's not fair on your child to ruin their future because you (or others) believe you deserve 'karma' .

This is your deliverance.

He says he had never cheated before and I know I hadn't and it was something I never, ever wanted to do again and he said the same. How long was he married for? He's not even 30 but he's already been separated for 18 months, after a period of affair recovery (let's say six months), was cheating with you for what, a year? before that. While also fucking other women with his wife's consent. Unless he got married aged 12 I've had ice creams that lasted longer than his wedding vows.

While you presumably "knew" you wouldn't cheat when you married the love of your life. Look how that turned out.

"I've had ice creams that lasted longer than his wedding vows" quite

He's a dog you knew that but still got in bed with him.

Go on your own and learn from this

Hang on a minute, you only left your dh because you got up duffed. So tbf neither of you actually chose to wind up living together and having a baby. You're both as bad as each other and it's not a case of what you deserve, that's too airy fairy, it's just a factual outcome to a doomed situation. You and him will not have a lifelong happy relationship regardless of whether it ends now or over the coming years. Bad past decisions cannot be changed. Bad behaviour does not make you a bad person. Deal with the facts and forge your future.

If you think he's a good guy then you have some very warped standards. He cheated on his wife. He's cheating on you. If you want to stay with him, fine, do that. Makes no difference to anyone else.

Just don't raise your child to think this is normal. Have an open relationship or something so at least you're not lying to each other in front of your child.

Of course he’s being nice to you! He feels guilty for cheating on you!

You think that he doesn’t realise what he’s doing is wrong? Even though he has just caused an earthquake in his ex’s life?

If he doesn’t realise it’s wrong now then he never will.

Wise up lady

You’re nine months pregnant and have been living with this guy for less than a month. Where were you before that?

Did you husband know from the outset that the child wasn’t his?

I have spent the day discussing the situation with him. Thanks for the genuine advice I received and the support from some of you.

"How long was he married for? He's not even 30 but he's already been separated for 18 months, after a period of affair recovery (let's say six months), was cheating with you for what, a year? before that. While also fucking other women with his wife's consent. Unless he got married aged 12 I've had ice creams that lasted longer than his wedding vows."
They got together at University when they were about 19 and were married for three years when they split. Our affair started at around two years post marriage I think. Irrelevant question, this is essentially gossiping.

You don't think it's relevant that he couldn't stick to a public pledge of fidelity for more than two years?

‘this is essentially gossiping.‘

You’re the one giving all the details, we’re just strangers on an Internet forum.

Anyway, was your talk reassuring?

I just wanted advice and other people's perspectives on a particular situation. I don't think there's any point dwelling on the past, what happened with my husband etc.

I'm not sure I can face talking about what happened today right at this minute, unfortunately. Needless to say it wasn't easy and there's no possible outcome that I would call "good" in the short term.

Have you raised the issue of him sexting ow ?

Jeez, that sounds like the options are split up or put up with his sexting (or worse). No options being good suggests he hasn’t said “I’ll never do it again! I’m such a shit etc”

Are you pk, op ?

*ok

Oh dear. Hope you're OK.

Hope youre ok. At least you have made that forward. Good for you for just not letting it slide