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Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 14:57

We met randomly in a bar when I was out with my work mates. Got to talking and he gave me his email address, I emailed him and then we met up for dinner when he was next down.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 05/01/2018 14:59

How can he leave his wife and kids unless he knows we have a real chance? We can only find that or by spending time together.

Funniest thing I've read on here in ages.

If he's a piece of work, you run him a close second. You couldn't give a shit about what this arsehole might be doing to his wife and kids. Talk about selfish. You do realise even if he does eventually leave his wife, you'll have to put up with him heading back up north regularly to see his kids. And every weekend he's away seeing them, you'll be wondering what he's doing. Is he seeing the wife? What's he getting up to?

I know a couple who got together from an affair only it was the wife who cheated. They seem quite happy to the outside world. Only they aren't. She knows her new partner is prepared to sleep with someone who is married so she's always wondering if he might find someone else. Her husband also got primary custody so she only sees her daughter at weekends. She's been in therapy for three years and has real issues with jealousy and her new partner can barely go out on his own.

Enjoy!

sanasa · 05/01/2018 15:00

If you really want to be together.
Have some class and respect for his wife and kids and also yourself by telling him you will only carry on this 'relationship' if he is single.
You have no idea what you are both potentially doing to his wife and children.

What's wrong with people these days? What about woman looking out for one another?

theredjellybean · 05/01/2018 15:00

OP I don't think you have an agreement or are acting as a sex worker. You do have a relationship, dates, time together and you have feelings for each other. It's no different from people dating and staying over with each other now and again.

But he is still married and doesn't seem to be giving a convincing account of how he intends to end his marriage and be with you.

sanasa · 05/01/2018 15:01

*Shatnerswig
*
Yes yes and yes!!

Tickety7 · 05/01/2018 15:01

I don't know why the cheater and OW/OM think it's justified to shag someone else's husband because they proclaim to be in a sex-less marriage.

Really?*

You don't get to shag someone else's husband because he's told you they no longer have sex.

Which is probably bullshit too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 15:02

That said, TooMany, this isn't really an appropriate place for you to post about being an OW because whilst you're not responsible for the situations that other posters are in, it's a parallel that is going to be uncomfortable for many who are going through hell right now.

So if you are going to post, be circumspect in your posting if you can.

theredjellybean · 05/01/2018 15:03

Sanasa... Not all of us believe in the mythical sisterhood...

I don't condone affairs but they happen and live is messy and people do get themselves into situations that sometimes don't fit in with the perfect moral glasshouse that some people seem to live in.

Bindibot · 05/01/2018 15:04

I will never move up north, he says he would live in London and go back on the weekends.
If you say so. More like he'll keep shagging you and not leave his DW

100% agree.

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 15:09

Go for it OP. Sounds dreamy! A relationship build on sand.

ravenmum · 05/01/2018 15:10

But things aren't just cliches one day. A lot of the same has to happen in order for something to become cliche. So it's disingenuous to say that there's absolutely no reason to believe a man cannot be a serial cheat.
I said that there's no evidence that previous cheats are more likely to cheat. Not that no man can be a serial cheat: I didn't say anything remmotely like that.

This cliché comes from the fact that people would love it to be true - it is a great comfort for many people to think that an OW is going to go through the same pain as you.

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 15:11

Married men picking up desperate women in bars is a classic. I doubt you're his first pick up - and you won't be his last.

Jaxhog · 05/01/2018 15:12

I will never move up north, he says he would live in London and go back on the weekends. If you say so. More like he'll keep shagging you and not leave his DW
It's called having your cake and eating it.

Long term, in the unlikely event he does leave his wife. You'll then be in a relationship with a KNOWN adulterer.

MikeUniformMike · 05/01/2018 15:13

OP. Do yourself a favour and dump him.
You are just someone he has sex with when he's working away.
No good will come of this - at best only one person will get hurt - YOU.

Anasnake · 05/01/2018 15:15

You can't defend this, you're not love's young dream, you're his part time seedy shag buying in to all the bullshit. Get some self respect.

ravenmum · 05/01/2018 15:15

How can he leave his wife and kids unless he knows we have a real chance? We can only find that or by spending time together.
So your plan is to cheat with him for as long as it takes for him to decide to leave her? What's your problem, then? What's your question?

EnglandKeepMyBones · 05/01/2018 15:16

If he does leave his wife and kids. Then what?

Can you really be in a serious relationship with a man who has proven that he gives not one shit about cheating? That he doesn't respect his marriage? It his girlfriend? Because if he did respect you, he would have left his wife before starting a relationship.

Do you think his children will accept you? That you and he will have a wonderful life and take the kids on holiday like one great big, happy family? That they'll treat you well and you'll be a fabulous step mother to them?

What about his family? Think they'll accept you?

He won't leave his wife because he knows exactly what he will loose if he does. You are his bit on the side, something to keep him busy and distracted while he works away and is away from the people that are his actual family.

And you're allowing yourself to be used in that way!? Or do you get off on the fact that he has a wife? Does it make you feel good about yourself that you might be able to 'win' him from her?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 15:17

I agree, ravenmum, it's the same tripe that has people wishing for 'karma' to land whilst not understanding the concept. Cliches and lashing out don't help.

My ex's wife is far better suited to him than I ever was. Sometimes that just happens, a partner moves on to someone new - and it's the best thing for them. You don't own people, they're with you if they choose to be, not because they're commanded there.

skippykips · 05/01/2018 15:18

I’m walking away from potential happiness.

So instead, you won't walk away and play a part in hurting his kids.

On any level do you see yourself as a selfish woman?

MadMags · 05/01/2018 15:19

I guess it depends on what your definition of dating and relationships is, jellybean.

Dinner with a married man on the one night a week that he happens to be taking you to his hotel room for sex isn't a date as far as I'm concerned.

Youngmystery · 05/01/2018 15:21

This reply has been deleted

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Dozer · 05/01/2018 15:22

If he wanted to be with you he would be. If he wanted to make more time to get to know you, or any OW, he could do. As a single person, sharing parenting and the financial cost of raising Dc.

At present seeing you has very little financial cost to him. Doubt he’d want to date you if it cost him rent, maintenance etc.

His marriage may be like your parents’ marriage, but it’s far, far more likely that he’s lying. Unless his wife knows about you - and the other women as it’s likely he’s done this before - then he is lying to and disrespecting her.

At 36 if you want DC you really don’t have time to waste on this one.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 15:24

youngmystery, you may not agree with what OP is doing but that's no reason to use such foul misogynistic language. Stop using the term 'prostitute' to lash out, ffs. You and timefortea

MadMags · 05/01/2018 15:28

How is prostitute misogynistic language? If anything it's a job description. Though, obviously OP is in a volunteering capacity!

Youngmystery · 05/01/2018 15:29

Lying that is what the OP is. He wants sex down in London, he's getting it from her with no commitment issues. While he's married. And she has no problems with him being married or she wouldnt keep sleeping with him. I dunno how anyone could feel bad for her or what anyone says about her.