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Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:
hahahaIdontgetit · 05/01/2018 15:30

So he's there on work, you stay in his work paid hotel and meet up during the day, when presumably he should be working.

If he worked for me and I found out he'd be dismissed for gross misconduct.

As for him leaving his wife and kids up north and moving to London with you (who hasn't got your own home), you are either incredibly naive or just stupid. He can't afford to do that, he will need to house his family, presumably in their current location (to avoid impacting on their schooling), so how will he afford to live with you in London.

You are setting yourself up for an epic fall, but to be honest, I don't feel sorry for you, your level of empathy is ridiculously low. No wonder your sister doesn't want you around.

Walkaboutwendy · 05/01/2018 15:30

How do you see this panning out? Seriously?

Take your rose tinted spectacles off and consider your future purely from a practical perspective.

Do you want children? Do you want to buy a house together? Go over to the step parent board and read about the 'fairy tale' ending you will get at best.

Have you been screened for STDs? If he met you in bar and started a fling from there I would suspect this isn't his first time of having an affair. You need to get checked out. Plus it's more than likely his wife will still be sleeping with him so she could be at risk.

Dozer · 05/01/2018 15:31

It’s clearly not prostitution as OP is seeing him without being coerced and he doesn’t pay her!

MadMags · 05/01/2018 15:32

No, she's not a prostitute. But how is prostitution misogynistic?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 15:33

You're using the term 'prostitute' to lash out at the OP. Why is that acceptable to you? I don't understand why you would do this and not just backspace out of the thread if it's getting to you? Name-calling is pathetic.

MadMags · 05/01/2018 15:36

Your first post about this wasn't to me? I'm using it to lash out?

I'm not lashing out! I'm asking how the word prostitute is misogynistic? I'm also wondering what exactly the problem is, to be frank. I said her "relationship" was more akin to an unpaid sex worker because that is how he's treating her.

It's not name-calling. Because I'm not five. It's a genuine comparison, and if the truth hurts then maybe that should give her an indication as to why this set-up isn't quite the fairytale she imagines it to be.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 15:37

Ok, not misogynist, just women-hating? It's a foul term to use in the circumstances where OP clearly isn't a prostitute.

What are you reasons for calling OP this?

MadMags · 05/01/2018 15:39

How is it women-hating? Genuinely, how? I don't like it, but it exists. It is a job as old as civilisation. And there are male prostitutes.

Again, I specifically said she WASN'T a prostitute, because she isn't getting paid.

I'm not sure what's confusing you...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 15:40

MadMags, my post wasn't to you but to youngmystery. But you're referring to OP's relationship as being as an unpaid sex worker. Quite frankly that could be describing any relationship anywhere.

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 15:42

Calling OP an unpaid prostitute does seem harsh, but may enable her to see things a little more clearly than simply floating in the rose tinted love bubble she's currently ensconced in. She came here for MN views - and she's getting them

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 15:42

MadMags because it's not being used as an academic discussion point but by some posters, as an insult. I understand that this wasn't what your post was about but it's certainly been the theme and it's par for the course on threads like this.

MadMags · 05/01/2018 15:43

So you were answering YoungMystery and I in the same post? It's all getting a little muddled, isn't it?

IMO, a man taking you to a hotel once a week for a shag is more akin to a sex worker than say, a man you are openly dating, who's actually allowed to be in your home occasionally, who can meet your friends and family, spend actual time together, and be a part of all aspects of your life, and you his.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned Hmm

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 15:45

Ryder I don't disagree with any of your post. Getting OP out of her rose-tinted bubble would be a great kindness to her. I just don't see that using inflammatory terms like 'prostitute' will get the job done, more likely 'dig in heels' and stop listening.

MadMags · 05/01/2018 15:46

I will say though that if someone is getting annoyed by this thread and calling someone a sex worker as some sort of insult then yes, that's a bit odd and it's probably time to step back.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 15:48

MadMags, well it's been said that 'marriage is nothing more than legalised prostitution'. Not very nice is it? All this bandying around of inflammatory terms. A bit unnecessary - and counterproductive but hey, not my thread so I'll give it a rest.

MadMags · 05/01/2018 15:50

I think historically, there was a lot of merit to that statement, actually. But I don't see the word as emotive.

But hey ho. Enough derailing!

ShatnersWig · 05/01/2018 15:50

We're arguing over nothing. The OP has barely commented on her own thread and I honestly don't know why she bothered posting because it's clear from her few replies she doesn't give a stuff and is just going to carry on doing what she's doing.

Teensandfuture · 05/01/2018 15:51

I just don't see that using inflammatory terms like 'prostitute' will get the job done
Absolutely!
I will say though that if someone is getting annoyed by this thread and calling someone a sex worker as some sort of insult then yes, that's a bit odd and it's probably time to step back.
Its time for bullies to step back and time to come off their moral high horse , OP posted here for advise,her post was not an invitation for abuse !

Teensandfuture · 05/01/2018 15:52

OP has barely commented on her own thread
Who would after being called unpaid sexworker?
Who would subject themselves to this kind of verbal abuse?

ShatnersWig · 05/01/2018 15:55

Teens Then why bother posting? The question asked was barely there? It's almost like an AIBU:

OP: Am I being used?
MN: Yes
OP: Well I'm going to carry on anyway.

MadMags · 05/01/2018 15:55

She didn't post for advice though, did she? She hasn't actually said much past she's going to continue to do it!

Furthermore, can we stop with the bullying shite? Not everyone who disagrees with you or even is quite blunt in his/her responses to the OP is a bully.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 05/01/2018 16:02

Sil dp works away and some of the stories he told about his colleagues who have different women in different cities who are totally clueless about each other and their main partner who hasn’t a clue. I think it’s more common than you think. I think your naive op and completely clueless to the situation your dsis is right listen to her. If for some reason he would leave his dw do you think two resentful dc will welcome you with open arms, do you think your dp will be happy being less financially better off. Your in for a massive fall.

Willswife · 05/01/2018 16:04

You are a grade A mug.

Do you honestly believe this will work out for you? If you do then good luck when you've created the same vacancy that you're filling now.

Good luck with being a step parent to two children who's home is destroyed in part because of you.

Good luck with ever trusting him the he's your partner.

No doubt you'll be back here in a few months/years with a tale of woe about how you've been cheated on.

Yes he's the one who'd cheated and broken his vows, but you're the one that's enabled it. Get some self respect and find someone that's single or at least someone that's willing to leave their wife before they line up a replacement.

allaboutthatsass · 05/01/2018 16:13

urgh I hate threads like this. It's always so hard to believe that women can be this stupid. The OP clearly doesn't want to be told to dump the cheating scum so jog on now OP and stop wasting our time.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 16:29

We're on a chatboard, allboutthatsass, not recruited to perform a function. I waste lots of time on here, more than I should, but how arrogant of you to suppose that any poster is actually needed here or has greater posting rights. So, perhaps take your own advice and you jog on?