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Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 05/01/2018 12:46

MadMag

@PollyPerky you seem weirdly determined to paint anyone who disagrees with you as naive or unworldly.

Well judging by their posts, that's right! I didn't use those words but thanks for your insight.

And it's not the OP breaking up a family it's the man. The OP is single.

If it wasn't her it might be some other OW.

Solly76 · 05/01/2018 12:48

They all seem to say they are in sexless marriages, nothing in common anymore with their wives, and their wives don't understand them.

Instead of working on it, or ending it if irreparable, they have an affair, or try to by joining OLD sites.

MadMags · 05/01/2018 12:50

You're no more sophisticated than anyone else, Polly. You just have different standards of what's acceptable, clearly.

I never mentioned OP breaking up a family. Frankly, I don't think she's important enough in this situation to "break up a family."

He literally takes her to a hotel once a week for sex and then presumably drops her back to her sister's house, or leaves her to find her own way. I don't know which is worse.

As I said, she's not an OW. She's an unpaid sex worker. It's genuinely sad.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/01/2018 12:51

And it's not the OP breaking up a family it's the man. The OP is single.

Yes but she is complicit. She can't play the 'didn't know' card. She is actively having sex with a married man.

Stop making excuses. She has to take responsibility for her part in it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/01/2018 12:53

Poor wife and kids.

Do the right thing and have some self respect.

UnitedKungdom · 05/01/2018 12:57

I think both you and he are pretty low.

Walk away OP, he's a piece of shit. And you aren't looking so good here either by joining him.

RedForFilth · 05/01/2018 13:00

I'd be very surprised if he leaves her! I was seeing a guy who turned out to be married. I told him what I thought of him and that I only date single people. He left her a couple of weeks later. I still didn't date him as I knew what he was capable of! Almost as though he thought him leaving his wife and kids would make me think he was suddenly a great guy!
He would have left by now I think. Scrape your dignity off the floor and move along.

Dozer · 05/01/2018 13:46

A PP has pointed out that even if he left and moved to London money would be a huge issue. At present his work will be paying for the odd night’s accommodation. If he moved he’d be paying maintenance etc and unless he’s VERY highly paid would probably only be able to afford rubbish, shared housing. Doesn’t sound like OP is wealthy, so even if they lived together money and housing would be problems.

You don’t say whether you want DC or are in your late 30s or 40s. If you do want a chance for DC, this is not your man.

theredjellybean · 05/01/2018 14:04

OP - some people do have affairs and then do leave to be together and do go on to have very successful relationships. But they are the minority.
He maybe telling the truth that he wants to be with you and is going to leave his marriage, but then you will live together in London and his children will live in the north... He will go every weekend up to see them
How do you see that working out for you?
Every weekend on your own in London, not exactly a great relationship.
You have stated you'd never move north... Which struck me hard... You and he don't sound very sensible or prepared for the huge compromises you'll have to make to make a relationship succeed.
Because his children will come first with him... Right now you think you will be his number 1 because he is there with you and says he wants to be with you, but once he has actually left and seen the impact on his children that may change.
When he is schelping up north every weekend to see them, then getting back to a grumpy unhappy you... It will make life pretty awful.

I do not judge what you and he are doing, life is rarely as black and white as mn can sometimes make it out to be. BUT op... Grow up, and get serious... If you and he want to be together, you need to talk sensibly about him separating... Now, how he will see his children, were you will live to facilitate his relationship with his children, and wake up to the fact you both need to put the children first in your plans, and that may mean you move and live somewhere you don't like... That's tough...

I speak with a lot of experience of this, my dp met in similar circumstances but stopped our affair as the logistics of being together just did not work for our children.
We had no contact for a few years, and when we did resume our relationship it was with a clear time line of separation. It took several years of living on our own, slowly dating and focusing on our children and lots and lots of talking, we even had couple counselling to ensure we communicated and were on the same page all the way

Goldenhandshake · 05/01/2018 14:06

He has completely manipulated you, and to be honest you have been a complete sucker to fall for the 'loveless marriage' line, it;s the oldest line in the book. I can guarantee his wife does not hold that view. Ditch him, and tell his wife, she deserves the truth. Poor woman.

theredjellybean · 05/01/2018 14:08

And that page was 'children's needs first, ours second' and that was with older children.

Pho2Mum · 05/01/2018 14:16

A relationship that starts on cheating is much likely to end up the same. You're attracted to lust not love. It's unlikely he'll leave his wife. There IS no chance here that he's the one, else he would have made the right decision already before he messes up with you. Think of your expectations of A relationship. Compare to this relationship and you'll see. I'm sure he does not want any more kids. Try empathy. Put yourself in the wife's shoes. Don't be weak and naive. Do it before it destroys everything coz it WILL.

Bellamuerte · 05/01/2018 14:20

I'm sure you realise that's what ALL married men say to the OW. My marriage is basically over... we're more like flatmates... we don't have sex... I'm in love with you... I'm planning to leave my wife...

Don't fall for it. You deserve better. Dump him and look for someone who is willing to have an actual relationship with you and treat you with respect instead of keeping you a secret.

coastalchick · 05/01/2018 14:21

I'm not going to judge you because even though I think what you're doing is wrong, he is the one with the obligations.

But mark my words, if he leaves her, if he can do it with you, he'll do it to you. When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy and all that.

You'll also have to deal with the guilt of a father walking out on his two kids. Again, this is not your obligation, it's his. But I'm not sure I could deal with the guilt.

ravenmum · 05/01/2018 14:24

"When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy" is simply not true, and in any case has never put anyone off becoming a mistress. In this case, anyway, Toomany is not being offered a position as wife; at most he would be there on workdays.

sanasa · 05/01/2018 14:27

HE HAS KIDS!!
A FAMILY!!
You are just as bad as he is - I hope you both fall our your backsides.
Poor wife and kids

coastalchick · 05/01/2018 14:29

@ravenmum - I'm afraid from the people I know, a lot of the time it is true. I'm not saying always, there are of course some affairs which work out, but the vast majority simply don't.

I don't think I'd want to be with a man capable of that level of deceit.

ravenmum · 05/01/2018 14:37

@coastalchick Until I see actual evidence, I can't believe that previous offenders cheat any more often than men who have so far not cheated. My ex had never cheated before, but that didn't mean I was safe. And now he's been with her for 5 years.

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 14:41

Uhhh when did the OP last post on her own thread?Hmm

MadMags · 05/01/2018 14:42

Look, generalisations don't help anyone.

But things aren't just cliches one day. A lot of the same has to happen in order for something to become cliche. So it's disingenuous to say that there's absolutely no reason to believe a man cannot be a serial cheat.

Anyway, as I've said time and again, this isn't even an affair! They don't have a relationship. They have an agreed meeting time for sex.

OP would be far better served figuring out why she allows herself to be used as a sort of unpaid prostitute than hanging around waiting to see what scraps she'll be thrown next.

In any case, she's disappeared...

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 14:42

I am 36, my sister is two years younger and single too and we live together in a flatshare. For everyone saying I’m an unpaid sex worker (wow, didn’t know only a ring on your finger should allow you to have sex) we go on dates, we spend time together in the day when he is down here and yes I stay at his hotel at night. My parents had a loveless marriage and later my mum told me they had not slept together for the last few years of their marriage so I dont believe it’s always a script. My sister is dead against the morality of it and while I don’t like it, I don’t know whether by walking away I’m walking away from potential happiness. How can he leave his wife and kids unless he knows we have a real chance? We can only find that or by spending time together.

OP posts:
calyyypo · 05/01/2018 14:45

But surely if he thought you both had a real chance together he would get a move on and leave his wife?? He's stringing you along.

StellaHeyStella · 05/01/2018 14:47

What first attracted you to this cheating, lying scumbag of a man op?

MadMags · 05/01/2018 14:48

You don't need a ring on your finger to have sex.

Apparently, all you need is a once a week hotel room. Stay classy, love.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 14:55

If your concerned for your happiness OP, this isn't the way to go about it. Affairs are something that you tacitly make a decision to have, it's not a passive thing. I've heard it said that it's something you do when you're not ready for suicide... I'd say that I agree with that. It's a unique situation that isn't truly winnable, even if you do get the person that you're in love with.

I was an OW once, it was one of the saddest periods of my life and I wouldn't repeat it. I understand the glamour of secret relationships and it's something that can't be sustained in a marriage or long-term relationship but for that reason what you have is destined to burn out - or become exactly like the relationship that married men (and married women) have with their spouses that make them seek intimacy with somebody else.

I don't understand why posters are telling you to read threads of betrayed women; those are tragic situations but unless you are the particular OW involved then it's not for you to be the 'whipping boy' here, you're not responsible for what every other OW does. Don't indulge random posters on this thread in that.

Think about what you want from your relationships and start checking off what this one is actually delivering for you - honestly. You may find that you decide to make this very short term - or he will - or you'll both decide to pursue it seriously, but for now, it's just about YOU. What are you wanting to get from this?

If I gave you one bit of advice - that I'd give my best friend - it would be to walk away from this now while you're happy and in control because by the time you realise that this is no longer the case, it's too late.

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