Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:
Teensandfuture · 05/01/2018 11:02

ravenmum
Olga is a very common name in Ukraine

ravenmum · 05/01/2018 11:07

I'm using "Olga" as a placemaker, same as Dowser. And I don't seriously think it was the same woman!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 05/01/2018 11:10

How did you meet this prince?

Scrumptiousbears · 05/01/2018 11:21

OP I've been in a similar situation to you.

The truth is you'll never know unless he leaves her.

I got bored of waiting and I ended it and moved on. He promptly left the family home. Everything he had said to me was true. He kept promising he'd leave but came out with excuses. When I ended it, it seems it gave him the push to sort stuff out. Sadly I'd moved on by the time he pulled his finger out. I have home enough chances.

I am with someone else and have kids now. He is still living on his own.

Happiness2017 · 05/01/2018 11:23

Threads like these really annoy me, even more so the people not telling the OP how ridiculous this is.

He hasn't even lied and said he's separated, he's actually told you he's married and still with his wife yet you have continued to see him? That makes absolutely no sense.

You then come on a forum and ask for some kind of advice?

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert the woman gets the blame as much as the male, because in this situation she is as much to blame. She knows he's still married.

I have been on the receiving end of this and I think people who think it's okay to live life like this are selfish!

I hope he does leave his wife for you, because clearly she can do better than him. Then I hope he does it to you, and you come back here in a year and put a thread like the one listed earlier in your thread, because that's the only outcome if you continue this on and he leaves his wife and children.

ferando81 · 05/01/2018 11:25

Break it off with him and tell him you will only see him when he has left his wife.If he loves you he will leave his wife if you are just a bit of fun he won't.
If you are that special to him nothing will stop him leaving .

calyyypo · 05/01/2018 11:30

Of course you're being used, you're having an affair with a man who is already married. Hmm Hmm

He will not leave his family for you, they never do. Stop now.

Teensandfuture · 05/01/2018 11:45

He will not leave his family for you, they never do
How stupid this comment is?? you find lots of threads on MN when MM has actually left his wife ,lots of those threads

MadMags · 05/01/2018 11:52

This is not a relationship, and you haven't found yourself in this situation.

You've walked into it, fully aware of what you're doing.

I hate when people act all coy about this shit. Do what you want, but own it.

As for "the relationship". He picks you up once a week from your sisters house, takes you to a hotel room that his job pays for, and fucks you. You're not a girlfriend. You're not even a mistress. You're an escort who doesn't get paid for it.

PollyPerky · 05/01/2018 11:55

I think some people here live in another universe Hmm

Ok, this is not the best way to start a relationship. Yes, he may simply be having his cake and eating it. It may be the cliche everyone has decided it is.

But wait... I live in a small village. I can count at least 4 couples who I don't know personally but know of who have got together as OW/OM (sometimes the woman was married, man was single, sometimes other way round, sometimes both were married.)

Outside of my village I know of other couples who got together where one left a partner and family, and of couples in my parents' social circle who did the same; all starting off as OM/OW in some combination. Many had been having the affair for years, decades, and waited for their children to be grown up.

I am not saying this does not cause hurt. But to tell the OP that it's doomed, that he will repeat the same behaviour blah blah, is not entirely accurate.

It might be, it might not be.

OP you yourself have said that if you give him an ultimatum he will not come back to you. If that is what you believe, that's your answer.

You will only know by carrying it out.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 05/01/2018 11:57

It’s a common that men who are
likey to cheat will do so especially if they work away as it limits the chance of their wife and family finding out. You are not special op, you are likely one of many, you won’t be the first and likely won’t be the last. Your available and cheaper than a prostitute sorry to be harsh but he does not love you. He won’t give you a second thought when he was with his family having Christmas dinner or watching his dc opening their Christmas presents. Value yourself more and think about the potential damage you could be causing a wife and her dc. I’ve been cheated on my ex when I had a baby I can’t put into words the pain they both caused.

calyyypo · 05/01/2018 12:01

Teensandfuture

But she's already got doubts that he will actually leave his wife for her??? Let's face it, the majority of threads are married men leaving because the wife has discovered the affair.

Perhaps she should stop seeing a man who she knows is still married with children?! She's just as bad as him!! Angry

Teensandfuture · 05/01/2018 12:01

He won’t give you a second thought when he was with his family having Christmas dinner or watching his dc opening their Christmas presents.*
Another stupid comment..How do you know that actually ?Biscuit

Teensandfuture · 05/01/2018 12:05

the majority of threads are married men leaving because the wife has discovered the affair.
Funny I know a few that just went home,said they are leaving,packed their bag and were off.
Every relationship and every affair is individual,it is not helpful to anyone to generalise and use words like "never"

MadMags · 05/01/2018 12:12

@PollyPerky you seem weirdly determined to paint anyone who disagrees with you as naive or unworldly.

You'll be hard pressed to find an adult with even a modicum of sense that isn't aware of relationships which are started in less than perfect settings.

However, OP is not in a relationship. He picks her up once a week for sex. It's seedy and sordid and anyone who tries to paint it any differently is doing her no favours.

Surely you agree that a woman in her mid to late 30s would be better off concentrating on not living in her sister's house, and in making an actual life for herself, with a relationship if that's what she wants, rather than being some married man's once a week while he collects her from her room in someone else's life?

Tickety7 · 05/01/2018 12:17

I don't know why we're all even bothering. Her mind was already made up, I think she just came along for some kind of clarity, didn't get it and thought EFF it anyway, or you're just a troll.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/01/2018 12:20

I am not saying this does not cause hurt

Understatement of the century right there.

Reddlion · 05/01/2018 12:21

I wouldn't say she's desperate I would say vulnerable
It's easy to be caught up in these situations my mum left my dad who used to beat and rape her and make her do everything for the married guy because he was nice and showed her love
She got caught up because for 20 years she never had anyone show her love
I understand why she did it or stayed bit I would of wished better for her.

The wife knew and he still didn't leave and we all had to be quiet when his wife was on the phone or his kids

HamishBamish · 05/01/2018 12:24

Yes, of course he's using you! Please end this now for your own sanity. If he's really serious he will end things with his wife and then you can resume your relationship.

It always amazes me that OW think it's ok to carry on a relationship with a married man. Surely you know it's wrong? Don't you think of his wife and children? Also, is this the kind of man you want to be with? One who will cheat with you whilst still married?

You are worth more than this OP.

Reddlion · 05/01/2018 12:27

Maybe op came to hear others stories for hope or clarification that this isn't the right choice.
I haven't been married before but due to my experience with my mum even if I get a thought a guy has a girlfriend I am gone. I don't want the drama and hurt.

Op honestly you are worth so much more. I would get him to buy you some diamonds then ditch him since he thinks he can use you, use him one last time and cut him off

lunar1 · 05/01/2018 12:28

Why on earth do you think you are worth destroying three peoples lives over?

IrianOfW · 05/01/2018 12:37

Ask his wife about their marriage. That will clear up the confusion either way and have the added bonus of getting him kicked out so you can have him or force him to stop lying and cheating and fix his marriage.

Win win!

Hmm
Teensandfuture · 05/01/2018 12:38

Redlion
The wife knew and he still didn't leave and we all had to be quiet when his wife was on the phone or his kids
That was seriously messed up,Im very sorry you had to be in the middle of this

RestingGrinchFace · 05/01/2018 12:39

The real question is how little self respect do you have to actually love a 'man' who would leave his own children?!

Solly76 · 05/01/2018 12:40

I advise you distance yourself. I know it's much easier said than done. He has a family, also it's always the OW who faces the vitriol and gets the blame which really lies with the cheating partner (unless OW is a friend or relative of wife or knew he was married and chased him relentlessly, then apportion blame 50:50) More often than not these men are trying to have their cake and eat it

He may have genuine feelings for you, he may be telling the truth. However, there are standard lines these men use. If he is unhappy in his marriage then he should end it, period. End it rather than have an affair. You deserve better than to be the OW , just having the crumbs of his time and affection.

I have been in a similar situation recently. Except I didn't know I was the OW for a long time as he hid it from me on social media. He told me he was divorced, Just failed to mention he had re-married since then. I think FB has settings so you can restrict who sees what on your profile. I couldn't see his relationship status. It was only when I got speaking to someone and it turns out she knows him, but not his wife. She said he was married, then sent me a screenshot of his profile that she could see, very different to what I could see. Thankfully he doesn't have children. He insists they have no physical relationship, nothing in common except work. No sex in years. He says he didn't tell me because he thought it might put me off... no shit Sherlock! However he went on holiday with her to a romantic destination so think he's full of bullshit. Said he couldn't leave because he didn't want to upset and disappoint family and friends. I left my husband (not because of this man, my marriage broke down a few years ago) and had to see my 6 year old child (with ASD and a cognitive age of 3) not understanding what was happening and sobbing for his dad, so not wanting to disappoint a few grown adults just doesn't wash with me. He has no children, both him and his wife have reasonably good incomes so if he truly is that unhappy he should end it rather than trying to have cake and eat it.

I called it off with him in the end as I thought he was indecisive for far too long , and the lies too, lies to me, lies to his wife, lies to himself. I love him though and it's so painful. Especially as he keeps asking to see me. I should have called it off much sooner but I'd already fallen for him thinking he was available. So I do have empathy for your position and I do not judge. I hope you resolve it and move forward

Swipe left for the next trending thread