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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 21:29

No holidayqueriwifi I’m not desperate, I met someone and developed feelings for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 21:31

Thanks Adora, I feel like a complete mug, I’m not the first and won’t be the last.

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 21:39

Your self esteem should improve now - well maybe not immediately, but soon. You are now an independent single woman, not some married arsehole's sidepiece.

NurseButtercup · 05/01/2018 21:49

I've just caught up on the thread and wow you've listened. Good for you toomany

Block him and don't look back... You deserve better.

Give yourself a bit of time to get him out of your head and then get yourself back out there. Just go on dates, have some fun.

There's a dating thread on here very supportive and give very very good advice

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3124646-Dating-Thread-126-Should-OLD-Acquaintance-be-forgot-Yes-sod-em-Its-2018?pg=1&order=

WitchIwasaWitch18 · 05/01/2018 21:53

My ex was a cheater and eventually left for a younger OW who revelled in being able to lure a married man away from his wife and DC. I was glad to see him go and never wanted him back though he tried. I slept with him afterwards while he was with her and noticed quite dispassionately he had absolutely no guilt. Once, when he was with me she rang and demanded he text her a photo of where he was at that moment. He didn't obviously. They got married. My Dc will not see him. Or her, they hate her and him. I heard it on the grapevine from several different sources he was cheating again but she doesn't know. I read that the first time a person cheats they do feel guilt but subsequently this feeling diminishes and they feel nothing but contempt for those they deceive.

Your choice OP. Hurt now or hurt later but you can't run away from it.

WitchIwasaWitch18 · 05/01/2018 21:59

Sorry just seen your update. Well done OP. It won't be easy in the short term but long term you've definitely done the right thing.
The thing with cheaters is they do appear charming. The OW in my case thought she'd "hit the jackpot!". Bloody fool!
Chin up.

Weezol · 05/01/2018 21:59

Please, please look into some basic assetiveness training and do some work on your self esteem before you go anywhere near another man.

SoleBizzz · 05/01/2018 22:02

Weezol where do I find that please?

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 22:03

He seemed to be just so perfectly nice funny and charming and sexy and caring. I really thought that all these years single we’re worth it if I have found someone like him. Idiot I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 22:04

I am also the kind of woman who would take a cheater back, I would never admit that to friends but deep down I know it’s true. I’m so so sick of being single and lonely. Why does everyone else find a partner so damn easily?

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 22:05

Wow well done OP! Keep busy and try not to dwell on him. 👍

Weezol · 05/01/2018 22:10

Sole start by having a look at the Women's Aid and Mind websites and giving them a call.

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 22:12

Why does everyone else find a partner so damn easily?

Seemingly people do meet others but sustaining a relationship seems to be more of a problem in our society nowadays... Just look at the divorce rate!

I'd rather be single then sell my soul to the devil! Don't settle for second best. 💐

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 22:15

He seemed to be just so perfectly nice funny and charming and sexy and caring

This is how cheaters get laid. By showing you what they know you want to see.

MrsPrimAndProper · 05/01/2018 22:16

Well done OP. You've done the right thing. Better to fine out now than months / years down the line. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, but you really can look forward to moving on.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 22:17

Thank you mrsprim, I know I won’t sleep tonight my mind is racing with everything he’s said to me.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 05/01/2018 22:18

Why does everyone else find a partner so damn easily?

If you read one of my replies earlier, you'll see that I've been single approaching 8 years. I have a friend who has been single over 11. I know many people who have been dating but not had a long term relationship for years and years. So we don't all find a partner so easily.

Drifting123 · 05/01/2018 22:23

You are willing to sacrifice a lot more than you realise for some breadcrumbs. May be having him in your life is all you care about at the moment but these feelings will change when your relationship matures. Once the limerence has passed, you may find yourself really hurt by your own doing. You already know his circumstances. If you have survived your 20s and majority of 30s without a partner, have some more faith in yourself and not fall for him for your own sake. Being lonely and dissatisfied in a relationship is far worse than being alone. You clicked with someone for the first time so now you know the drill. It can happen again with someone more suitable. Also, you might find a guy with less complex circumstances who isn't still married and whose wife isn't accepting the reality. Who are we to say if he is telling the truth or not. But you are choosing the hardest path to build your relationship on. Deep down, do you two really respect each other knowing you both are capable of adultery? It doesn't matter if there is love in his marriage or not. And seriously love is overrated. It takes a lot more than love to live a life together with someone. Loyalty and respect come before love once your relationship matures.

It might look like you are winning the battle of having a special secret bond with him against his wife but you may lose the war for someone who has such disregard for his family. Don't set yourself up for failure. Give yourself some more time, you are only 36 and choose a partner with better circumstances. It's not as simple as you will not get affected because you don't want kids anyways, you are choosing a very lonely set up knowing his current living arrangements and the best he has to offer you. Will your love for him be as strong when you are in your 50s or 60s? This set up may wear you down more than you realise.

You shouldn't voluntarily choose a partner who is married and has a family on the other end of the country and lives a double life. It doesn't sound a very loving start to a relationship you have been craving for. You deserve better. Wish you good luck.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 22:24

Shatners, I find it so depressing when I see couples just doing daily things together, like what is so bad about me? I guess this is why I’ve not ran a mile from a married man when I clearly should have (he’s completely ignored my text, usually he has no problem replying. He was the one chasing ME).

OP posts:
ILoveMrDarcy · 05/01/2018 22:29

I was the OW for 6 years. It's shit. You read all these comments on here about how you're stooping so low, but when you fall in love with someone it's hard to walk away.

But I wish I could turn back the clock and have never met him. I don't feel I gained anything from or relationship apart from a lot of heartache and rows all around.

You've done the right thing x

Ohyesiam · 05/01/2018 22:30

Op, that was really brave. Well done, being true to yourself will really serve you.

Ohyesiam · 05/01/2018 22:30

Op, that was really brave. Well done, being true to yourself will really serve you.

ILoveMrDarcy · 05/01/2018 22:32

@ShatnersWig Other than the disaster of an affair, I have been single for 15 years. I've tried to find relationships but it hasn't happened, so you're right!

OP - I do feel for you, I have been there. I just never had the courage to end it completely. Bizarrely it just fizzled out in the end.

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 22:32

Toomany if you lived nearer to your married guy - you may have seen him and his DW out and about doing normal coupley things. But you would know the truth. Not so idyllic as it seems from the outside looking in, in many instances.

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 22:33

See when I look at couples now, I think thank f I'm not in a relationship . That couple are probably sick to the back teeth of each other and have bickered all day! I'm sure there are good times but relationships are bloody hard work!

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