Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:
Imsorrynow · 05/01/2018 20:38

You are seriously winding me OP. Well done, if that was your intention.
Deluded.

Dozer · 05/01/2018 20:39

No need to meet him, just say it’s a new year, you no longer wish to be an OW and to contact you should he become single in the future.

If he’s that into you he’ll leave his wife and DC (lovely man eh). But he’s not so he won’t.

dreamies · 05/01/2018 20:42

You want a known liar and cheat to chose you? You need to end it and get help for your self esteem, maybe find some morals whist you're at it.
He will tell you he is leaving her 'if' and 'when'. You will be waiting for the deadline to pass and then the next one and he still won't leave her. Maybe you will get really desperate and force the issue by telling her. You seem like the type.

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 20:42

Excellent post Dozer. Sums it up nicely.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 20:43

Dozer, you are right, if I see him I won’t end up doing it (pathetic I know). Text it is.
Should I just do it tonight?

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 20:44

FWIW I would never tell his wife, he should do that if he chooses to.

OP posts:
user2085372673 · 05/01/2018 20:49

Yes you should do it now, and then you can make the 6th Jan the start of your new year. It's still the beginning of 2018 and you can make this the one you turn your life around.

Start dating, join a gym so you feel good in yourself and make this a silly mistake you made on your journey to happiness.

user2085372673 · 05/01/2018 20:51

You are the master of your destiny and can find yourself a good man. I guarantee you are at a cross roads and whilst the path you are on feels
easier, it is not happier in the long run.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 20:54

Thank you user2085372673, I knew posting about this on here was going to attract a lot of hate in my direction but i still needed to hear the experience of others.

Dozer I’ve sent the exact text you suggested. No reply.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2018 20:54

Go for it. You owe it to yourself to take control.

IrritatedUser1960 · 05/01/2018 20:54

I know the type. If you dump him he won't care anyway he'll just find someone else.

CrochetBelle · 05/01/2018 20:55

How is he spending time with you 'during the day' when he comes to London for work? What sort of work is he sent on where he has tonnes of free time off during the day to conduct another relationship?

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 20:57

Crochet, he works in some kind of tech company and he usually works from home (up north). He usually just needs to dial into a conference call. Now and again he will have a face to face meeting with clients.

OP posts:
Plumsofwrath · 05/01/2018 20:59

You’re scrabbling around for scraps. I’ve never met you, but don’t YOU think you’re worth more than that?

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 20:59

OP a lot of posters (including myself) haven't posted out of hate - but as a way of trying to make you see this for what it is. I truly hope you can put this sordid episode behind you and find someone who is physically and emotionally free to be with you in a real relationship.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 21:00

Ryder, I do too.
Two blue ticks and no reply. If he was heartbroken surely I would see ‘typing’...I’m not. I feel crushed.

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 21:02

Block. You'll heal faster not watching for replies.

user2085372673 · 05/01/2018 21:04

Well done, now the hard part is sticking to it, but you can and you shall!

You've given him the chance to choose you, and sadly for you, he probably won't. But it's not sad, because you are in a better place than you were an hour ago, because an hour ago you were an OW, and now you aren't. Now you are on the path to find someone who is available and not a cheat.

holidayqueriwifi · 05/01/2018 21:04

Blimey OP you must be very very very desperate.

Anasnake · 05/01/2018 21:09

Block him. You're better than that.

dinnerdatedisaster · 05/01/2018 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heateallthebuns · 05/01/2018 21:14

Well done op!

AdoraBell · 05/01/2018 21:15

You know he told his wife he was working abroad while he was with you.

That means you know that he lies. How can you trust someone when you know they lie?

It sounds to me that you have low self esteem due to your parents behaviour. You deserve someone better than a lying cheating dirt bag. This is why your sister doesn’t want him around. She can see what you are blind to.

If you continue you will forever be the OW, and if he does leaves his wife while you are still seeing him you will be the home wrecker. Don’t let him hang those labels on you.

AdoraBell · 05/01/2018 21:17

Sorry, missed your update.

Well done.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2018 21:17

He’s probably with them and can take message back or maybe she read it

Swipe left for the next trending thread