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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:
MadMags · 05/01/2018 20:17

Why wouldn't he?

You're giving him sex with no calls for commitment. To take his wife would mean being an actual grown up and planning things, sorting babysitters for his children etc.

Perhaps even meaningful conversation...

Dozer · 05/01/2018 20:17

He may well like you well enough for now and have fancied a weekend with his mistress. Standard part of affairs to keep the mistress on the hook!

Where did he tell his wife he was?

Dozer · 05/01/2018 20:18

Yes, childcare on tap from his DW and no probably no heavy conversation or demands as you’d be playing the “pick me dance”.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 20:19

It was a couple of days during the week and he told her he was abroad for work.

OP posts:
Anasnake · 05/01/2018 20:20

Go on op, tell him you want to move north, see what he does

Dozer · 05/01/2018 20:20

Easy for him then, just a couple of days’ annual leave. And the usual seeing each other once a week, mid week.

WinchestersInATardis · 05/01/2018 20:23

My ex told the ow that we weren't having sex. We were actually trying for another DC.
Sure, some men might be genuinely in sexless or affectionless marriages, but I'd guess the vast majority of cheaters are simply lying.
You already know he lies to his wife, why would he be honest with you?
Your one would have left her already if there was anything to it.

dreamies · 05/01/2018 20:23

Look at the step parenting board? My god never have I ever read such deluded tripe.
He hasn't left his wife, probably isn't planning to and if he does it will be because his poor wife finds out she's married to a lying scum bag, not because he's chosen your special love.
Women like you are 10 a penny. Unfortunately.
Would bet my house he's still sleeping with his wife.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 20:23

Anasnake I actually should do that - if he balks and tries to dissuade me I guess I know where I stand.

OP posts:
user2085372673 · 05/01/2018 20:24

My dad had an affair when I was the same age as this guy's kids. He's with the OW now. However, it wasn't by choice, he begged my mum to take him back, she didn't, so her ended up with her.

I understand that you feel desperate and love this man, but the actions of my father and his wife have been the single thing that has caused the most misery in my life. Do not be this to someone else. I cannot reiterate how horrid it is to be the child who witnesses the fallout of this.

Just put and end to it and be a good person.

heateallthebuns · 05/01/2018 20:24

Going away for a couple of nights with your bit on the side is hardly inconvenient when you've got the drudgery of real life looking after a home and kids to leave behind. Doesn't mean you're anything special. I'd rather have room service, a bubble bath and a 6 foot bed than a toddler kicking me in the head all night in my one foot of bed they are lying horizontal in.

Anasnake · 05/01/2018 20:24

You really should ... but I think you already know how he'll react.

loveyoutothemoon · 05/01/2018 20:24

You come on here asking if you're being used, get honest answers saying that you are, and you then say that you're not being used. What is the point in this thread? Grow up and leave your bit of stuff to sort it out with his Mrs!

clumsyduck · 05/01/2018 20:25

I actually don't believe life long monogamy is easy , iv also never had a relationship that's lasted more than 4/5 years . I can take the whole marriage thing or leave it if I'm honest ( I'm not married ) but honestly when I read threads like this I get so mad for the betrayed party why do these men think they should get to have there cake and eat it ? Don't commit to it all if it's to much hard work when real life kicks in Angry

MadMags · 05/01/2018 20:25

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BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 20:25

Yes call his bluff and tell him you want to be near him and the kids!

AssassinatedBeauty · 05/01/2018 20:25

I just can't get past the fact that you were happy to go away with him for a couple of days when his wife thought he was at a work event. She was providing free childcare unwittingly to facilitate you and her husband. Don't you feel bad about that? She ought to know about his relationship and have a choice as to whether she facilitates it for you.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 20:26

Looking at the step parenting board was actually something some posters suggested to demonstrate to me how the idea of him moving down to london while his kids stay up north isn’t going to work practically or financially, and that he’s got no intention of doing it. I’m not looking at the SP board to get tips on how to make his kids like me.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/01/2018 20:29

It was a couple of days during the week and he told her he was abroad for work

You are seriously ok with that.

You are right we are wrong. He sounds like a right catch.

these are the types of things that make me think he’s actually telling the truth

Which doesn't make sense really if you look at the above does it!

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 20:30

Do it. Stop the sex. Say you'll resume when he's single. Tell him you'll move North to be near him. Observe the reaction.

dreamies · 05/01/2018 20:30

Oh good so you're not so totally deluded to think his kids will ever like the woman who's half the reason their lives get fucked.
What is the point of this thread? You won't take advice. Have you got kids op? Do you want them?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/01/2018 20:31

We away together a while back, if I’m just a convenient shag surely he wouldn’t go to the trouble?

You are a willing easy shag. He says jump you say how high.

Why wouldn't he.

anothernetter · 05/01/2018 20:34

OP I was once affected by the situation you were once in - only I was one of the children who was affected by it. It had a huge impact on me and my sibling and it left us totally devastated. Please step away from this man and let him deal with whatever issues he has in his marriage for the sake of the children.

Jaxtellerswife · 05/01/2018 20:35

Just vile. Of course not having a ring shouldn't stop you having sex but if somebody does and you didn't give it to them THAT should stop you.
He's using you
His poor wife and poor children. He's awful and I'm sorry, but so are you

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 20:36

I am going to take the advice. He is down again next week and I’m going to discuss it with him as this has been going on for months and I don’t want to continue in the lie. I’ve been scared of pushing him on the topic so that he doesn’t end up resenting me, but he’s either going to choose me or ditch me and it’s time to find out which. I don’t have kids or want them but I’m also not happy to be in this shit situation any longer - I know it’s my own making.
I really do get this is a very prickly topic to post about here but I needed to hear what people’s advice was as I’ve only told my sister about it.

OP posts: