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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:

Solly76 · 05/01/2018 18:13

Clumsyduck wish I knew where these single men hung out. I've been catfished yet again on POF. A man saying he was single when he definitely isn't. I've got quite good at identifying the married ones very quickly.
Had a few conversations with 'Steve' and we swapped numbers to chat on WhatsApp.
Messenger synced his number and linked it to a profile, with a different name but I recognised his photo, on his profile pic he's cuddling a woman. This has happened a few times.
It seems to be rife these days. Loads of married men on POF. If I carry on with OLD I will go for a subscription site rather than POF which is free. People who are paying £25 a month are more likely to be genuine (I hope)

derxa · 05/01/2018 18:53

OP You're in the grip of limerence and that can happen to anyone. Cut off contact and the flame will die. Is he very good looking?

clumsyduck · 05/01/2018 19:25

Well yes to be fair if I was single again not sure id touch online dating would rather know someone first so if already know them iyswim

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 19:28

Limerence, yes that old chestnut responsible for this soulmate bullshit!

Original poster

Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 19:39

Derxa, he is to me.
I think I will actually look at the step parenting threads here and see what would realistically be the outcome. I’ve so far thought that’s all down to him to sort out (how he would manage relationship with kids and wife), and also it’s a practical way for me to actually get a handle on whether he’s even able to move down here.

OP posts:

derxa · 05/01/2018 19:42

Limerence, yes that old chestnut responsible for this soulmate bullshit! No it's a chemical thing, not an excuse.

clumsyduck · 05/01/2018 19:45

Iv had so many "soul mate" honestly !! ( all single mind !)

dam hormones

Just see it for what it is op I honestly don't see how you will ever trust him. And the fall out with dc involved will be huge !!

Desmondo2016 · 05/01/2018 19:51

He's not going to leave his wife you fool! You're just his grubby shag on the side for the nights he can't shag his wife. You're probably not even the only other woman!!

LIZS · 05/01/2018 19:51

I doubt he considers you as a prospective sm to his dc. Would be interesting to see his reaction to the suggestion though.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/01/2018 19:55

I think I will actually look at the step parenting threads here and see what would realistically be the outcome.

Over stepping the mark much!

The potential outcome with his DC is fuck all to do with you

You are deluded. (I say that as a stepmum)

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/01/2018 19:56

OP You're in the grip of limerence and that can happen to anyone.

Sorry but sharing a married man at his companies and families expense didn't 'just happen' to any one!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/01/2018 19:57

*shagging

Original poster

Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 20:02

His expenses are his to manage, I don’t make him expense anything.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 05/01/2018 20:03

I asked him if he was single before ever meeting and he said he would rather explain his situation face to face. So I met him and he said he was separated but living together. Over the course of the next few weeks he said DW is in denial about the marriage being over even though they are in separate rooms, and also that he is struggling with breaking up with his wife because of the kids.

How can anyone be so stupid as to believe this??

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 20:07

@derxa I'm agreeing with you. I've read all about it. It's what this soulmate shit is all about! 😆

Original poster

Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 20:08

SoupDragon, my parents were in this kind of marriage, I grew up never witnessing any kind of affection between them and they snipped and sniped at each other constantly. Finally they got divorced when we had all left home. He soon after married a woman who we now think he may have been having an affair with.

OP posts:

derxa · 05/01/2018 20:08

I'm not excusing anyone's actions but falling in love is a kind of madness. It's nature's way of trying to produce babies. It's not love's young dream.

Dozer · 05/01/2018 20:10

If you regularly stay in his hotel when his company have paid for single occupancy he could be in breach of his organisation’s expenses arrangements.

He will likely be expensing his share of any meals out with you, so if he pays for you he isn’t really being generous.

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 20:10

Looking at the step parenting threads? You are building a future in your head that will probably never materialise.

Shagging him on company expenses is very unromantic and rather grubby. I hope that soon you will see this for exactly what it is. A vulnerable, lonely woman being preyed on by a predatory married man looking for a bit extra while out of sight of his poor wife and kids.

Solly76 · 05/01/2018 20:11

You are getting way too ahead of yourself here. Step-parenting is not on the table at the moment. Even IF he leaves his wife, step-parenting is looonnnnggg way down the line. If you think you will be accepted into the bosom of the family and taking the kids out on lovely days out you are deluding yourself. Actually, read the threads because then you may see how challenging it is even at the best of times and decide he's not worth it.

Take a step back. For everyone's sake, including your own. Let him think about what he wants to do .

He may be telling the truth about how he feels, he may not, but his situation is complex. No doubt he will want to stay near his kids. When crunch comes he is bound to feel a strong sense of duty to his wife and children as well as attachment. Take a step back, let him think. Meanwhile get yourself out and go on other dates - don't put your eggs in his basket.

I think you have already made your mind up though

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 20:14

I've got kids and even I'm steering clear of men with kids because it's SO complex! It's not for the faint hearted!

Dozer · 05/01/2018 20:15

If he wishes to leave his wife for an OW in the medium to long term it’s much more likely his next “primary” relationship will be with someone more local. Easier/cheaper for him once work are no longer paying for his jollies.

He could move to London if he only wanted to have his DC, for example, every other weekend (which would make him a shitty father) but depending on the travel time it’s likely that while they are young he would need to travel to the DCs’ home town and pay for suitable accommodation eow.

Anasnake · 05/01/2018 20:15

You do not know what his marriage is like, only the bullshit that he is feeding you to keep you keen and provide him with sleazy shags whilst away from home.

Original poster

Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 20:16

We away together a while back, if I’m just a convenient shag surely he wouldn’t go to the trouble?

OP posts:

Original poster

Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 20:17

Sorry wanted to add - these are the types of things that make me think he’s actually telling the truth. I would like to be a part of the family in the future yes.

OP posts:

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