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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:
LIZS · 05/01/2018 17:29

Did you know he was married when you met, or was that a drip feed/discovery as time went on?

ToffeeUp · 05/01/2018 17:32

At least it gives the hotel staff something to talk about.
He's gone back up north now for the weekend?

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 17:32

It was a bit of a drip feed, I asked him if he was single before ever meeting and he said he would rather explain his situation face to face. So I met him and he said he was separated but living together. Over the course of the next few weeks he said DW is in denial about the marriage being over even though they are in separate rooms, and also that he is struggling with breaking up with his wife because of the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 17:33

He only comes down for a day or two at most mid week at the moment. I work irregular shifts so him leaving at weekends won’t be all that bad as I work a lot of them anyway. I fully accept his kids will always come first as they should.

OP posts:
LIZS · 05/01/2018 17:34

And you "met" online?

Lndnmummy · 05/01/2018 17:35

Too many, do you want a man like this? A man that cheats, betraya, puts his own needs first (and second and third). Affair or not these are qualities tht will eventually be shown in other ways in your relationship. Do you really want this for your future?

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 17:37

i guess I am conveniently ignoring that side of him as he is so caring towards me.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 17:37

Toomany if this is truly what you want then do what Solly76 suggests. The way you post is as if you see this relationship as 'going somewhere'. If that's true for both of you then the test as described by Solly76 will tell you what you want to know and you'll feel comforted by it. Or it will make you realise what a horrendous mistake you've made. Either way, you'll at least be in a position of knowledge as to whether or not he's using you. And that's what you said you wanted to know.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 05/01/2018 17:37

But he’s kids don’t come first otherwise he wouldn’t be leading a double life.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 17:39

I think that’s the only thing I can do, I don’t want to wait for him for years. I don’t want kids so that’s not an issue but I don’t want to live a secret life where hardly any of my family or friends know him and vice versa. I just want a normal open proper relationship.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 05/01/2018 17:39

LIZS, they met in a bar.

LIZS · 05/01/2018 17:41

There was contact before the bar meeting though.

Accidentallyexisting · 05/01/2018 17:44

The reason he is the only man you have clicked with is because he is lieing about who and what he is. He is lieing about his marriage situation and manipulating you by showing you a person he thinks you want him to be in order to sleep with you. It’s like a constant sales tactic for a timeshare.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 17:50

We met initially in a bar, swapped emails and then met up again

OP posts:
Anasnake · 05/01/2018 17:50

He's so caring because it's a fantasy life - no worrying about bills, housework, childcare when he's with you. It's not real life.

Solly76 · 05/01/2018 17:51

If you want a proper relationship and to at some point meet his family and children then you really do have to step back now. If it all blows up and you are exposed as the OW the family will never accept you, his children will hate you. They will be unbelievably hurt. They are innocent in this, as his wife, and the children will see their mum hurting. I'm not saying this to be nasty, it's what is likely to happen.

If you stop sleeping with him and step back, it will give him the space to make his decision and to find a way to end it with her decently (as far as it is possible to end decently in this situation) if that's what he decides to do.

Whatever happens, you should be realistic. He's not going to be able to introduce you to family and his children for a long time even if he does leave the family home.

I would be surprised if he moves a long way from his kids though. My son's dad moved 60 miles away back to his home town after we split up. That's too far I think, so 100 miles + is really pushing it. If he loves his kids I can't see it happening. If he does, how will you feel about him going off every weekend? You would not be able to join him. During the week you will both be working most the day, then he will be away at weekends. Very little quality time together.

The reality is that this is really going to be painful, for you as well. No matter how it pans out it will be painful and difficult. Is he worth it? Nobody can answer that question, only you.

I know you're emotionally invested in him but please try to be objective as much as you can, for your own sake, if not for his children's sake. Try and step outside and view the situation as though it is happening to someone else. Consider what life would really be like with him. It's not going to be rosey in this situation

Dozer · 05/01/2018 17:56

Those are such cliched lines! If his wife is having such trouble accepting the “separation” and he wishes to move to the next stage, has he seen a lawyer, discussed finances, told families, friends and the DC?

Sounds like in your fantasy bubble he’d be happy to live far away with eow access to his DC (he’d be paying for hotels or to rent a room up north for the foreseeable visits). So it’s not fear of not getting access that’s stopping him.

He clearly went looking for an affair with someone in London.

It is easy for him to be kind and nice to you once a week when his hotel is free, he gets town expenses and sex and doesn’t have to maintain the reality of a relationship as his DW will wish him to do his share of parenting, domestic work etc. It’s not his reality.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2018 17:58

Really good advice from Solly76, toomany. If what you're after is a re-set (and I think you are), that you're treated as a new partner after a formal relationship has come to an end, then ending things now is the only way to achieve that. It really is.

Even not being the OW, the deck is more difficultly stacked for second partners where there are children involved so you really don't need extra obstacles piled on top of that.

Dozer · 05/01/2018 17:59

What’s stopping you introducing him to your wider family and friends as your bf who lives with his ex W and DC in another city?

If his situation is as he says it is what’s the problem?

heateallthebuns · 05/01/2018 18:02

I feel really sorry for his kids. It'll never be the same if he leaves them. No more getting into bed with both parents for a cuddle, going on boring trips together as a family to the supermarket or the garden centre, no more watching telly altogether in the evenings, no more dad collecting them occasionally from school or activities or watching a midweek school play. Do you really want to be with someone who would do that to his kids?

If you love him so much why wouldn't you move up north? If he's that special you would want to. You're kidding yourself. Seems like you don't really want much for yourself.

There is someone for you who will treat you better than this.

gillybeanz · 05/01/2018 18:05

You should have known he was married when he said he'd rather explain it face to face.
His wife will probably be in denial that their marriage is over, because finding out about your affair will be the first she knows about it.

He isn't caring OP as he doesn't care for his family, he certainly won't care about a bit on the side.

The best thing you can do is tell his wife, she deserves to know.
Then it's out in the open and you'll see how much he thinks of you.

Are people really this stupid.

Anasnake · 05/01/2018 18:05

Tell him you're moving up north to be with him and watch his reaction

clumsyduck · 05/01/2018 18:05

It could be true what he says however it might be a load of shite and youl never really know . Could you trust him ever ?? given how many completely single men are out there at this stage I'd just end it .

Solly76 · 05/01/2018 18:06

I get that you feel an affinity with him and that he's the first man you've really clicked with. When I met J I couldn't believe my luck. I thought he was divorced because that's what he told me. He seemed to be everything I had ever wanted and more. I have a history of bad relationships. When I met him I was in the process of separating from my son's dad, in the throes of an eating disorder relapse, and bringing up a child with SEN and considerable behavioural issues. J seemed amazing, sensitive, kind, caring and empathic. Then eventually I found out he was married. It broke me. He swears he is still that sensitive kind caring man, but it feels like a lie. It still breaks me, especially as he regularly still messages me. He still says he wants to help me with overcoming the bulimia. Ha! He stressed me so much I nearly died a couple of times as it got so bad. Another reason I had to step back

Sometimes they find a woman in a vulnerable situation and sell her a dream but it often turns out to be a castle built on sand.
Not all OW are heartless slappers, not all even know about the wife and kids. These men are douchebags. They know they are married yet they still go off and seek out other women. I know some wives do this too, not being a man hater here.

All I'm saying is be careful. Guard your heart

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 18:06

There was no need to delete my last comment. It was a general muse on these type of threads that appear with depressing regularity not a direct troll hunt

Interestingly though, op did make a reappearance soon after it