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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:
DotCottonDotCom · 05/01/2018 16:37

How can he leave his wife and kids unless he knows we have a real chance? We can only find that or by spending time together

How can a woman participate in destroying a family?

Destroying a woman who doesn't know any better and is probably lovely, her life will be in tatters, you've just been fed utter lies!

Destroying children - innocents lives. YOU are participating in that.

You want a man who cheats on his family. That's his standards. Thats HIM. Don't try romanticizing it.

In my eyes, you are just as bad for not looking out for your fellow woman.

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 16:37

Any MN member can start a thread or reply to one (within guidelines). Don't like a thread? Find another more to your tastes.

Solly76 · 05/01/2018 16:38

OP you asked if you are being used. There's a way you might find out.

If you don't want to stop sleeping with him for any other reason, stop sleeping with him to test whether he is using you. If he is using you and you stop sleeping with him then he probably won't bother with you any more.

I understand that you have not had a relationship for a long time, but could you really trust him now? If he came to work in London then went home at weekends, how could you be sure that he wasn't leading a double life by telling his wife that he is working in London. Going home and acting the loving husband and father at weekends. Find yourself someone who is in a position to commit to you, someone who is not attached. If he is genuinely not happy in his marriage then he needs to make a decision whether to leave or not but maybe you could let him do that independently.

If you truly do love him, step back and let him decide for himself , with no pressure from you, whether he wants to walk away from his marriage or not.

When I finally found out the man I was seeing (and had fallen for) had a wife (no kids , I think I would have throttled him if they had kids and he had done this), I refused to sleep with him. Naturally I thought he was a liar and a cheat . He still wants to see me, he has begged for my friendship and for me to keep caring for him, but there is no way I am sleeping with him. Didn't issue an ultimatum either, I told him I wasn't going to be intimate with him in any way. Not even a kiss. Nobody should have their cake and eat it. I still saw him as a friend only but it's really painful so I've stopped talking to him completely . I would advise against the staying friends for that reason - it's painful and unless you are resolute, it's too easy to end up giving in.

Some people act like they are in a polyamorous open relationship where they just (conveniently ) forget to agree that with their OH ... probably because they are happy to cheat but don't want their OH cheating on them. Double standards

Affairs usually end badly for all concerned. A lot of people, including yourself can get hurt.

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 16:39

Doh! that was to allabout btw

gillybeanz · 05/01/2018 16:42

he may well leave his family to be with you, hence leaving a vacancy for the next mistress.
Who would want to be with such a scum bag, and be used for sex once a week, ew!

OnASummersDay · 05/01/2018 16:46

OP how on earth can you want to be with a man who is willing to leave his children on the other side of the country, when he has a choice to stay and be near them?

I agree with the other posters who say read the other thread. It's easy to detach yourself when you can't see the damage that you and he are doing to a family - his wife and children.

You both should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.

Lashalicious · 05/01/2018 16:56

I admire you solly76 that’s how it’s done.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Imsorrynow · 05/01/2018 17:07

Yes, that’s how my DH met the (first) OW - ‘randomly in a bar’. While I was at home with our three kids, waiting for his phone call in the evening so we could all catch up and chat about our day.
Get a grip OP. You know he’s married with young kids. Have some pride.

BerkInBag · 05/01/2018 17:09

will never move up north, he says he would live in London and go back on the weekends.

What kind of heartless dick wouldnt want to be close to his kids and take a pivotal role in their care and upbringing? He wouldn't be there for Parents Evening, Sports day, to look after them when they're sick? He's going to leave all that to their mum and then sweep in at weekends for all the fun. What will you be doing on those weekends?

ClaryFray · 05/01/2018 17:11

You need to decide what's write for you. Issue him an ultimatum, leave by x date or we are done.

Don't be sexual with him in the meantime. Be a friend though, it'll show him your serious. No excuses, and no exceptions. If he hasn't left by that date then times up. You'll have your answer. Ditch and move on.

JennyOnAPlate · 05/01/2018 17:12

You’re 36?? I’d have said 19 max reading this thread.

Where is your self respect op? How can you care about a man who is willing to lie and cheat on his wife and children?!

tccat · 05/01/2018 17:13

If my husband were to have an affair and tell the other woman that there was nothing between us and we hadn't had sex in years then it would be the truth
It's not always a "script" and sometimes people do find someone else who they fall in love with

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 17:17

I haven’t commented much on this thread because I’m at work and can’t be on my phone all day.

I didn’t expect anyone to tell me what I’m doing isn’t wrong, I know it is and I’m sure no one here is perfect.

OP posts:
MadMags · 05/01/2018 17:19

Because there's perfect, and fucking a married man, and no in between.

Come on!

Funny how you always manage to come back as soon as someone questions the veracity of the thread...

Anyway, what DID you post for?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/01/2018 17:20

I know it is and I’m sure no one here is perfect

No one has said they are.

I also don't sleep with someone else's DH whilst their DW is clueless at home looking after their DC.

Not do I stay at a hotel paid for by someone's company to do so.

I hope his DW finds out and his company fire him. In many places you staying would be as big no no. But I bet both of you don't care in the slightest.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 17:21

Solly76 I am wanting to be in and open and acknowledged relationship with him so at such time that he tells me he has left his wife I would expect to see or have contact with his family, his children too in time.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 05/01/2018 17:22

I know someone who at approx. 40 left his wife and 4 kids for a woman just over half his age. He is still with the OW and they now are married and have children together. I still think he's a cunt.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/01/2018 17:24

I would expect to see or have contact with his family

Well don't expect to be welcomed with open arms. If they want to see you at all.

Dozer · 05/01/2018 17:26

Dream on!

Should he leave his wife and immediately start openly dating you and you stay together for many years the future will still not be rosy. The DC will probably always think you’re a twat for a start.

If you don’t want DC yourself, and don’t mind being a once a week mistress, waste more time with him. If you do, you’re doing yourself no favours hanging around.

Anasnake · 05/01/2018 17:26

He won't leave his wife

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 05/01/2018 17:27

If my son behaved like this behind his wife’s back and my gc back. I certainly wouldn’t be welcoming you with open arms I would be equally disgusted with the pair of you.

user764329056 · 05/01/2018 17:28

Why do women do this to other women?

user764329056 · 05/01/2018 17:29

Genuine question OP, do you feel any solidarity with other women?

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 17:29

I do acknowledge that I’m going to have to do something to stop this, it’s not right (I know it isn’t right) and I’ve let feelings stop me from taking action. I guess I’ve been hoping it all works out in the end, and the crux of my problem is that given the odds are that he is just using me how to I convince myself that it’s not worth it, I suppose I am actually just sad to think the fist man I’ve met and clicked with in years is unavailable.
Some of the advice here has really been useful to me - I think telling him intimacy is off the table will be a clue to what he really wants, so thank you to everyone that posted that advice.

OP posts:
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