Dh has been having an affair. He get a home in an hour. Please keep me calm.

[youspinmerightround]

Found emails and a receipt for flowers. The emails are just Facebook messenger notifications so I can't read what they say but he's addressed the flowers to "my love".

I'm in with the 3 dc. I'm going to be sick.

Be prepared for 'flashbacks' OP. You've had a massive shock and it will take a while to recover. May I recommend vitamin supplements - especially the B complex. B's are depleted by mental trauma, and though maybe you won't feel like eating yet - take the vits with even just a mouthful of food to help absorption.

you poor soul, no wonder it's a blur.

It will all be a blur for a while. It's going to be hard but you've managed so far and will continue to do so, you may not know how but you will. Your children will help massively how you survive. You need to think about what you want now. Whatever you decide is the right choice. You need to think what makes you happy. Your kids will be ok as long as your happy.

Well done for getting through the day OP. If you can do one day, you can do three. Do three and you can do a week. Do a week and you can do a month.

If in doubt when he is around, say nothing. You can't regret saying something if you don't say it.

I survived on Complan and the odd banana. I lost shitloads of weight. This diet lasted maybe a month then my body got tired of fighting it in the end and I started eating again.

OP I’m very sorry about what has happened to you, but I would urge you not to make any hasty decisions. He hasn’t actually DTD with OW has he? It sounds more like an infatuation that’s got out of hand. In reality, do many people go through an entire married life until death without ever being attracted to anyone else? They must be saints if so.

I’m not trying to justify his actions, just saying are you sure you want to throw your marriage and your family life away because of this one error, however big it may look now?

Could you at least try to talk things over, find out what you both want, go to counselling? At the moment you are taking advice from anonymous strangers here, some of whom are baying for a man’s blood because they are projecting their own experiences.

Slow down. Think about it. What is the best thing for your family. Maybe it is LTB, but make sure you’ve considered all the options, and all the pros and cons first.

Oh OP. Your posts are bringing it all back to me. I know you feel completely broken but him moving out is what you need. Just make sure your not left doing all the parenting. He needs to take your DC's to give you a break. How he acts over the next few weeks will greatly determine how things work out.

I am still with my DH 5 years after his affair. Our relationship isn't quite the same and a part of me died the day I found out. But we have worked through it. After initially denying the affair and then trying to apportion blame onto me he moved out. It was during this time that he realised what a bastard he'd been and what he could loose. He stepped up to the plate and started telling me the truth. I had access to all passwords etc, we went to relate for a few months, he was and still is truly sorry for the hurt he caused. Only because I felt he was genuinely sorry could I contemplate staying with him.

Don't feel like you need to make decisions about your relationship yet. You take the time you need to process the shock, sadness and anger you will feel. I survived on the odd packet of crisps or bar of chocolate. Just eat what you can.

Also be prepared for him to start blaming you. "You never gave me enough attention" blah blah blah. It is all a pile of croc to justify his own behaviour.

Also tell people. I know your embarrassed but you need support. It is your DH that should be embarrassed. This thread will also give you great support. I am very thankful for all the advice that was given on my own thread when I discovered my DH's affair.

Oh op. I'd feel exactly the same as you. Hand hold x

We're here for you love. As I'm sure family and friends will be.

Thinking of you, OP. I am 6 years ahead of you and it took time, but I am much happier now. I still miss being married and in a relationship but I don't miss him one little bit. 22 years together and my feelings have changed from unbearable sadness to anger and quite a lot of bitterness to not giving a toss.

ExH left the day I found out about the OW. I couldn't bear to look at him. He 'loved her' and had been 'plucking up courage to leave,' apparently but still lied and lied and minimised to assuage his guilty conscience and make it my fault.

Children are very resilient. So long as you ensure that they know they are not to blame and allow them to continue loving you both, despite your feelings, they will be OK.

I would be as honest with them as is appropriate for their age. They are allowed to know you are upset and why.

Look after yourself, try to get as much RL support as possible. Some of my friends have been fantastic, others less so but they have been my lifeline.

Make sure you get help to complete your course. I had been a SAHM for 9 years and my career had been sacrificed for my exH's. Our middle DS has ASD and needed me to be there for him when he was young, but I've had to find better paid work to fit around school to support myself and still be there for DS2. ExH does pay maintenance but that only lasts until they leave school.

I lost shed loads of weight, the only silver lining, but have gained it back recently, a sign I'm back to normal. So do try to eat.

The kids will help you get through each day, because you have to for their sake.

I know that it’s very hard to believe right now, but you will be ok. Truly.

It’s awful beyond words, but you’ll get through it.

I hope you don’t take him back because it’s a hell like no other trying to ‘get over it’. Your hearts just breaks over & over again. You are right saying that it doesn’t matter whether they had sex or not, he’s broken your trust & your relationship. There’s no ‘going back’ and to go forward with the same person involves a lot of denial, suffering & misery. Everyone I know IRL that stayed together wishes they hadn’t, but feel too invested now to walk away.

You deserve far better than living your life with a man who wanted someone else more than they wanted you. I read a quote the other day ‘If you have to choose between me & someone else, choose them’.

I KNOW it’s hard when all you want to do is turn back time, but you can’t 🌷

My Ex cheated. I'm still not completely over it. It's the gas-lighting, the lies upon lies, blaming me for everything and the coldness he showed towards me.

I could forgive the cheating but not how he treated me. I just wanted honesty. We are split up now and he still lies about his role and all the promises he made. I don't know if he actually believes the stories he tells. I can't be bothered to listen or even argue with him now.

People say he had a breakdown - but the cheating wasn't a one off.

It was such a shock at first. It's mental anguish with everything going around in your head and trying to make sense of things. We were in love, how much was lies? when did he stop loving me? What did I do wrong etc...

The answer I realise is - he's flawed. He's incapable of sustaining a relationship - he's a selfish, little boy that wants to be first for my attention. Having a child together meant he couldn't have all my attention.

I was devastated when we finally irreparably split up - I lost a lot of weight, couldn't sleep and felt numb. It was a bad time but I had support from counselling, mumsnet and family and friends. Family weren't always the most helpful for me. Now my friends say they've got the real Pammy back. I feel like I've got a new leash of life and have my self respect back.

I felt like I had to grieve the relationship that I thought I had.

Another one who's been there reaching out a hand to hold.

I'm almost two years on and I remember the feelings you're describing so keenly. The gut-wrenching pain, the shock and the bloody unfairness of it all. We stayed together and continue to work through it. It has been unbelievably difficult to do though. Our relationship will never be the same and I'll never really trust him again.

Whatever happens though, you're going to be ok.

OP, I've nothing useful to add but will hold your hand. I know this is awful but please do try and eat a little today. Keep your fluids up as well.

That all sounds pathetic in the grand scheme of things, but you need to be reminded to do these things. You're in utter turmoil I know

"He hasn't actually done the deed has he", well that entirely depends on how much truth OP has learned. You can be sure she knows not even half of it.

I’m so sorry this is happening. You are better for knowing the truth. This is now the start of the rest of your life. I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way but I hope given time it will.

Alabaster
That’s truly dreadful. I went through ivf.

Gertie
My dh is French. He doesn’t have a mistress. Your therapist was wierd and misrepresenting using stereotypes.

You will come out the other end, OP. I know it's hard but keep going. For your kids.

HE is a dick.

peartree my faithful marriage broke up after 15 years while the many unfaithful ones around us are still going strong. - you have a marriage. What is 'still going strong' - is NOT a marriage.

Morning OP. Hope you managed some rest last night.

Please see friends / family this week and if you need help with the children ask for it.

It is going to take time, but believe me you can get through this. I feel your pain and your posts could have been written by me years ago. I never thought I would be 'me' again, never thought life would ever be the same, but it is better now. Honestly. I promise you this will pass. Xx

I know a lot of people stay together after the dh has an affair, my friend has and claims she loves him. And I haven't been in the position so I know I am only surmising. But surely you would never feel the same way again, you'd know you were settling for someone who had done something to you you'd never ever do to them, and staying with him sort of makes it ok to let him treat you like shit? I know everyone's different but that's how I seen it. I think my friend stayed with her dh as she loved her lifestyle and that was very important to her. But, how she can still look in his eyes and not want to scratch them out, I dont know.

@ssd
Unless youve been in that position its very difficult to understand ( and i get why ).

I threw my DH out when it happened to me.

At some point along the way he realised a life with OW was not he wanted . Until in the end he asked me if i would take him back.

I didnt let him move back in straight away ... i was very strong and said we had to go back to the beginning - that was very important for my self esteem.

But at the of the day i love him and did not want to make myself miserable over a "principle"

I made the right decision and we are happy.

how long between kicking him out and his asking if he could come back Lotus?

Some couples it makes them stronger. Not everyone who cheats is just doing it to get their end away. The ones that tend to be better than every are when the cheater does it due to an issue in the relationship and lack of feeling wanted but couple are able to then address it and the one cheated on has a certain type of character that can move past it. I’m not that kind of character but I admire anyone who is. And not everyone who cheats will cheat again like some people seem to think.

@CarysMa i cant remember to be exact ...

I remember that i agreed to give our marriage another go , and he wanted to move back in quickly but i said no. From me agreeing to give it another chance it was six months before i let him move back in which took the strength of an ox as i work and we have 2 DC .

Yes @MiddleClassProblem i agree.

yes nomud, I know unless you have been there you can only guess at what you would do