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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been having an affair. He get a home in an hour. Please keep me calm.

943 replies

youspinmerightround · 04/01/2018 21:12

Found emails and a receipt for flowers. The emails are just Facebook messenger notifications so I can't read what they say but he's addressed the flowers to "my love".

I'm in with the 3 dc. I'm going to be sick.

OP posts:
AuldHeathen · 05/01/2018 19:17

OP, l’ve just read the thread and l too am sorry this is happening to you. I don‘t want to repeat things others have said. However, l‘ve been thinking a bit about your situation.

One point is that bear in mind that Scotland has a different legal system from other areas of the UK. I don‘t think anyone has given any legal advice here but l have seen it before on MN threads. In particular there is a big difference in how marital assets are split and you need to get your information from a lawyer trained in Scots law. I think you need to check it out whether you split permanently or not.

Re-your studies, assuming you have email add for your study support tutor, send an email over this weeken. Briefly explain the situation. Sadly, they‘ll have had a student in this fix before. They might advise you to see a GP and get signed off for a bit. In a week or so you will have to decide if you need to postpone your last term. This will depend on what is possible - tutor will know - and how you feel mentally and physically in a week or so, and it will depend on you finances. Husband and yours.

If you don‘t already have a separate account for Child Benefit and any bursary or other personal income, then open one asap and get these transferred. Husband will just giveyou some leeway if he gets really nasty over money.

Anyway, OP, take care and l hope you can get some rest and RL support.

yetmorecrap · 05/01/2018 19:42

Hey OP. Just want to say I know that sick feeling in spades. I found a pile of emotional songs/poems, written and recorded by DH last year about an infatuation he had 11 years ago. The problem is whilst your head can get past this if you really want it to, it's harder for the heart to catch up, and what once seemed 'special' somehow seems tainted, no matter how sorry they are , even if it was just an EA., and even if like in my case he said it was one sided (his side) . I think time is going to tell here in your case, as its current though I possibly would ask her for an honest account and say if something is going on you probably want to end the marriage but he is telling you there is not. I would be matter of fact and just say you would appreciate honesty but that will be the end of the matter with her. I think it's worth a punt at this stage

mathanxiety · 05/01/2018 19:44

Why did he have to go round to his dad's to find out if he could stay there? Why not phone?

DollFace13 · 05/01/2018 20:05

@alabasterangel6

Wow just wow.

Xxx

AnotherDunroamin · 05/01/2018 20:05

Re French men and their mistresses, who gives a fuck? In some countries it's acceptable to have multiple wives, or to beat your wife, or dictate every aspect of her life, or marry her when she's 12. Women around the world put up with all sorts of shit from their husband (and, yes, men from their wives too) but that shit doesn't represent some kind of benchmark for marriage.
OP, I had to access support from the uni recently when my marriage was going through some difficulties and they were very supportive. Definitely worth speaking to your personal tutor or similar and seeing if you can get some leeway with things like shift patterns etc if you have more complex childcare considerations now.
I hope you're with your friend now and getting some TLC.

Chippyway · 05/01/2018 20:11

OP, you still haven’t answered, who’s actually made the decision he leaves?

Is he begging for forgiveness?

I’m only asking because advice can be very different regarding your answers.

cooldarkroom · 05/01/2018 20:12

I thought I would enlighten you all, I have lived in France for the last 30 years & whilst it was possible this story was true in former generations, as the wife had literally nowhere else to go, & divorce was not admissible, so she had to live with it I truly believe it is not the case now, there are indeed extra marital affairs, but AFAI am aware, they end in the same messy divorces as anywhere else, indeed the statistics say that over two thirds of marriages now end in divorce.
The real debate is, are men innately monogamous ?

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 20:16

@cooldarkroom

The real debate is, are men innately monogamous ?

Yes now there's a question! Maybe not for this thread though Hmm

Shitmyhairdressersays · 05/01/2018 20:17

Peartree I am French and all I've seen from my Uncle's supposedly 'discreet' sticking his cock in anything that moved is my Aunt having an utterly miserable life! When my own British husband cheated he was dumped. No way would I put myself through what my Aunt has. And I know many French women who agree with me.

youspin it may not feel like it right now but you will be ok in the end. Sending you hugs here! Just keep breathing and taking it hour by hour and day by day. I know only too well how painful it is Sad and I promise you that you are stronger than you know X

aftertheevent · 05/01/2018 20:19

Why can't folk stick to the supportive nature of the thread instead of debating? It puts the OP off posting. Do you think she gives a shit what they do in France. FFS.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2018 20:22

I agree. This thread is being derailed. The posters point was a good one, do not throw everything away now, take a breath and think. Plenty of people get past infidelity. It doesn't matter what anyone else would do. Only the op matters.

Op, are you ok? Who did decide he was leaving? Was it you or him?

StealthNinjaMum · 05/01/2018 20:24

Well said aftertheevent

runwalkrun · 05/01/2018 20:44

OP, I had to access support from the uni recently when my marriage was going through some difficulties and they were very supportive. Definitely worth speaking to your personal tutor or similar and seeing if you can get some leeway with things like shift patterns etc if you have more complex childcare considerations now.

Yes to this.
Make sure you have a word with your tutor. They are usually very understanding of this sort of thing.

GoReylo · 05/01/2018 20:57

If the possible OW had just had a bit of chat with him, and she refused his invitation to meet up, why would she avoid spinmerightrounds messages? If her moral compass is more or less working correctly, surely she'd want to let spinme know that nothing happened?

Maybe message her once more, and ask as one woman to another for the truth of what happened so you can make a fully informed decision?

Farmerswife36 · 05/01/2018 20:59

Has he even apologised op ???

GoReylo · 05/01/2018 21:01

His response will say a lot about whether or not he wants to fight for his marriage. Is he remorseful, or frantic? Or is he more concerned with sorting out his sleeping arrangements? If he doesn't seem particularly broken up about you finding out, I'm sorry to say there may not be much to fight for.

dreamies · 05/01/2018 21:04

GoReylo she could ask the ow. I did it, but seeing as I was talking to someone who thought fucking another woman's husband behind her own partners back was an ok thing to do, I already knew her moral compass was whacked.
She denied it like he did. They had already planned how to cover their own arses.
The point is if she is the ow, nothing she says is worth anything she will just say what she would if she wasn't the ow.

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 05/01/2018 21:09

OP I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you, at the moment everything will hurt, its a physical pain as well as an emotional pain, take each day, hour as it comes don't try and think to far ahead it doesn't help it creates new worries and fears. This is the worst point, it will be hard for a while, maybe as more revelations are made, but you will get through this. Talk to your parents, you need support, family and friends cant sort this out for you but they can help you to find the right way forward for you and your children, and they can listen. Talk to your personal tutor, I did when I had family issues they were very supportive.

so sad to read so many stories of cheating, I wish these people could understand the pain they cause, not only to their partners but to their children

MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2018 21:18

Thinking of you tonight. Hope the kids are ok x

Amaz24 · 05/01/2018 21:21

Hope you've been okay today . Remember you've got through the day. Hope your getting all the support xxx thinking of you xx

Original poster
youspinmerightround · 05/01/2018 21:37

He's left now. It's totally shit.

I haven't known how to answer because I'm not really sure it's aall a blur. I think it was his idea to leave then he sort of back tracked then it was my decision.

Tbh most of what's happened in the last 24 hours is a total blur.

OP posts:
LEMtheoriginal · 05/01/2018 21:41

Am sorry this happened xx

MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2018 21:42

That’s completely understandable. Just try to make sure you look after your basics, drink water, attempt to eat even if one bite. I know you’ll look after the kids no question but you need to look after yourself too x

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2018 21:42

Op, can you try to get some sleep? A cup of tea and something nice to eat? Even a glass of wine ( one) and some chocolate? A warm bath and bed?

A good nights sleep will really help.

GladAllOver · 05/01/2018 21:44

That's the first decent thing he's done - getting out of the house without a scene in front of the children.
Now you can think of the next steps. Take your time to consider how you want to proceed. Good luck and don't hesitate to come back here for advice.

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