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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh has been having an affair. He get a home in an hour. Please keep me calm.

943 replies

youspinmerightround · 04/01/2018 21:12

Found emails and a receipt for flowers. The emails are just Facebook messenger notifications so I can't read what they say but he's addressed the flowers to "my love".

I'm in with the 3 dc. I'm going to be sick.

OP posts:
Peartree17 · 05/01/2018 17:15

I don't want to minimise your hurt and sense of betrayal. But...is it worth taking a step back, from his actions and your emotions about them, and considering whether it is worthwhile NOT pushing everything over the cliff-edge right now? I just looked up Lucy Wadham, who as an Englishwoman married to a French man, and living in France for 25 years, became used to a different way of approaching these questions of fidelity, full transparency as opposed to the values of 'discretion':
When I first moved to Paris 25 years ago to be with my French husband,

I discovered a world in which infidelity was accepted as an occupational hazard of marriage. The general view was that discretion was essential, fidelity less so. All around us, couples old and young seemed to be managing their infidelities. I learned quickly that my view of marriage as a constant quest for transparency was seen either as delusional or as a recipe for divorce. In some ways, I am living proof of this idea: my faithful marriage broke up after 15 years while the many unfaithful ones around us are still going strong.

Look, this may not be for you. But previous posters have said that they managed to get past infidelity in their marriage, and I'm fairly certain that I would get past it in mine - if it weren't, of course, accompanied by neglect and abuse, or diminishing of mutual respect in other ways - our role as parents, as financial partners, as a team supporting each other in our ambitions, work, commitments and pleasures. Only you can know
whether you can keep on in your marriage on such terms, but it might be worth considering rather than pressing the divorce button, which often makes people and families poorer and more fragile.

foodiefil · 05/01/2018 17:40

Could you get past your husband being in love with someone else? @Peartree17

annielouise · 05/01/2018 17:46

Thing is Peartree what you're advocating is always turning a blind eye. The unfaithful marriages are still going strong, you say. It just sounds so old-fashioned, sad and a bit tacky. To me anyway. What woman would allow this and be happy living with it? French women? I suppose conditioning must come into it if it's acceptable over there. Better imo women don't just become a SAHM and strive to have a career for financial independence so they don't have to put up with shit they don't want to.

GertieMotherwell · 05/01/2018 17:48

That’s interesting @Peartree17*
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3119623--All-French-men-have-a-mistress
This was my thread from a few weeks ago.

Peartree17 · 05/01/2018 17:50

It would really depend on other factors, as I said. If we were treating each other well, if family money were not being siphoned off to entertain or maintain the other woman, if parental responsibilities were not being deserted in any way, then yes, I think it would be very much worth not throwing in a marriage, a family, a shared history and future for the sake of a passing affair. Couples get past many awful things in a life together, after all. But it depends on the circumstances. I'm not advising one way or another, only that it might be worth the OP stopping, thinking and perhaps not escalating the situation to explosion point in her interactions with her husband if that is avoidable.

ifIwasinvisiblewaitIalreadyam · 05/01/2018 18:03

I would message the woman and get her side of things. I wouldn't take his side as gospel.

GertieMotherwell · 05/01/2018 18:06

I wouldn’t take her side as gospel either

Peartree17 · 05/01/2018 18:10

I don't want to derail, as this thread is to support the OP in what is a horrible time for her. And I don't mean to sound callous, if that's how this is coming across. But I do think there is merit in giving space to the idea that a marriage that you hope will last a lifetime, that encompasses children, shared extended family and friends, financial and maybe business interests together and many shared experiences, is worth more in the balance than a sexual and emotional infatuation. It's not a prescription for every situation, it's just something that would certainly give me pause and make me take a deep, deep breath. I might end up LTB but I would stop and take a long view as well.

Whisky2014 · 05/01/2018 18:12

I don't see the point In marriage then pear. What's the point? It comes across as very weak and passive to me.

frasier · 05/01/2018 18:16

If, as the OP has said her H admitted, that he wanted to meet with the OW but she said no... IF that is true, she may be annoyed with the flowers and the lovenotes, she may be disgusted knowing he has children, she may have been contemplating telling the OP anyway.

Or yes, she may be a liar also.

Worth messaging or ringing her though. I

QuietNinjaTardis · 05/01/2018 18:22

Peartree17 the op is utterly devastated. Why the fuck should she forgive that sort of hurt? Fair enough if it had been discussed and agreed upon when they got
Married. But it hasn’t.

SeaEagleFeather · 05/01/2018 18:24

The French view of mistresses is not regarded with respect anywhere else in the world afaik.

WinchestersInATardis · 05/01/2018 18:26

The thing is, Peartree, it's not really about sex. 'Turning a blind eye' indicates knowing and ignoring, which is not the case here on either side.
It's about finding out that the one person with whom you have that shared history and should be the one person you can trust and rely on, is lying to you. That even if you beg them to tell the truth for the sake of the marriage, they're still going to lie and make out you're paranoid.
It's finding out that your happiness and mental health is less important to the person you love most than them getting their end away.
I have been in open relationships. I can happily be with someone who is having sex with someone else but I would never stay with anyone who I can't trust.

Dowser · 05/01/2018 18:26

How awful alabaster but I’m pleased at your happy ending
Haven’t rtft yet

GladAllOver · 05/01/2018 18:29

I don't see the point In marriage then pear. What's the point? It comes across as very weak and passive to me.

This particular case illustrates exactly why there is a point in marriage. The OP and her children are protected by the legal aspects of the marriage contract. Without it she would now be in a very different situation, as we have seen with many other cases on here.

Regularsizedrudy · 05/01/2018 18:29

Make your own thread pear Hmm

youspinmerightround · 05/01/2018 18:29

Just wanted to say thank you so much everyone for all of your support I am truly thankful to each of you.

OP posts:
annielouise · 05/01/2018 18:32

To forgive and get over one affair is something that some can do and think worth the effort and I admire them greatly as I don't think I could but to suggest accepting Peartree's French model of indiscretions and turning a blind eye to them as you've got his heart for most of the time and to just stay married is just a joke to me. Marriage is not worth that surely? Unless you have no other options or don't like sex or don't like your husband but like his money and the lifestyle. I don't get it.

I used to say years ago I could forgive one affair. I really felt I could. Now the kids have grown up I don't think I'd bother and I wonder if that is something to do with my change in view on it. Nothing else has particularly changed financially as then and now I support myself.

Peartree's suggestion to me means there is no sanctity of marriage, it's just a contract of some kind that doesn't involve exclusivity. There'd have to be some other massive pay-off though in my mind - oodles of money or something.

The problem with the model of people having indiscretions the men aren't bright enough to keep them hidden. Time after time they get caught out. So even if you think you can live with it as long as he's 'perfect' or good enough at least in every other way and you get on and he pays you attention, is a good dad, responsible, engaged etc you've got this risk that constantly you might have a grenade thrown at you as he forgotten to shut his FB down or something. No French man must risk having a smartphone or laptop at home then surely as they'd have to be constantly on their guard which would alert the wife immediately.

annielouise · 05/01/2018 18:35

Sorry to derail your thread youspinmerightround. I won't comment on Peartree's post again.

I think people's advice to take your time is sound. I hope time eases things for you

Namethecat · 05/01/2018 18:38

I'm sorry your going through this. It really helps to just see yourself through the next few days by not thinking too much ahead - just get your self to midday, then to the evening, and then to the following day . Be kind to yourself .

PNGirl · 05/01/2018 18:43

Of course a married couple can get through awful things. Bereavement, infertility, poverty. As a team! Wtf are you meant to do when your shared burden to shoulder is caused by the selfishness of your partner, and their view that you are too naive or stupid to find out?

frasier · 05/01/2018 18:52

Are you with your friend youspin?

Peartree17 · 05/01/2018 18:56

As I said, I don't want to derail and I certainly don't want to start a fight about 'open marriage', which I'm not advocating. Previous posters have said they got past infidelity. I'm offering a point of view that it might be possible for the OP to do the same, that it might be possible to weigh he marriage and all it entails in the balance against the betrayal and find it worth keeping on. I'm not saying the husband is right, or the French are right, or that we should all go round gleefully having lovers on the side. It was meant to be a supportive post, offering a point to hold on to. But that is partly because I know from my own experience that acting purely emotionally rather than standing aside from one's own emotions and the pressure of the moment usually brings about a worst outcome. Other people might have very different experience.

Anyway, I'm out. OP I hope you can work out something that is the best it can possibly be for you.

kateandme · 05/01/2018 18:59

keep going hun.
I don't want to be all ltb because I cant understand ur pain.i cant know of your years of being together and so saying that seems too easier thing to say to you.i only no my thoughts behind this are that although he says he ahsnt done anything...but he has his intentionsa nd emotions of that sort were put to some other woman.it went beyond friendship that is enough.hes done it behind your back and then tried to cover his tracks with a delete button,that isn't an innocent man.
to even look somewhere else bring a hurt to my belly relationship wis its doesn't have to mean sex was had.an intention beyond friendship is too much already.
but I no you love him.i no your kids do.and you've hared lives together and this must ahce through to your marrow. this is raw right now and I promise you it changes.sometimes it hits you harder.but it does ease.it does change.it does morph into other moments in time and other emotions.some are easier to handle than others.but when your stuck thinking "I cant cope with this" know that in the next second that will go.you can breathe.you must breathe.look to your hands feel your fingers right down to the tips.see a physical set of sensations to bring you back to the now to stop your fears,emotions,rage and anxiety coming to take over you.
feel your feet on the ground
feel your hand to your heart
sense the love for your children
hear the wind
feel the cushion the chair holding you
bring yourself back to the now.dont let that sadness rsh you somewhere you don't even no will happen.
this is all to new and too painfuk. so right now do all you can to be kind and seek help and comfort and do it all hugs yourself hard.you can do this.
you don't deserve this
you have done nothing wrong
nothing excuses cheating on any form.
your kids will need you but you them.they will know when your being upset and only you no what they need to no and what they should.you no them best. but they sound really mature too so let them hold you and you them.they will gt strength from being able to comfort you and vice versa.
there is no rule book here.no next step.take it a moment you can manage at a time.
you sound really strong.i mean that.
you have us all here too.xx

dreamies · 05/01/2018 19:11

Do you still have access to his email/facebook. You might be able to read the messages by going on to her profile then clicking on the send message icon, it will open a message thread and they might still be there.
To be honest I wouldn't even need to read them the fact he is deleting means he's crossed the line. I only saw 1 text from ow and the fact the rest was gone was enough for me to throw him out instantly. Admittedly we hadn't been together 14 years or shared children.
I feel for you op, it really is the worst feeling in the world, I was also sick lots, it's shock.
But it does get better. I'm actully glad I went through the awful experience now I'm a much better stronger person.