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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been having an affair. He get a home in an hour. Please keep me calm.

943 replies

youspinmerightround · 04/01/2018 21:12

Found emails and a receipt for flowers. The emails are just Facebook messenger notifications so I can't read what they say but he's addressed the flowers to "my love".

I'm in with the 3 dc. I'm going to be sick.

OP posts:
sanasa · 05/01/2018 13:11

Please go to drs and let them give you some sleeping tablets so you can rest.
I promise it doesn't always feel this way.
Please get some one over to give you a cuddle and look after you

horatioisabrick · 05/01/2018 13:12

That song. ‘My Love’ and flowers...?!

He seems very infatuated.

I’m so sorry, OP. But good on you for being so dignified and strong for you children Flowers

Btw, as a child of divorced parents... I think your children deserve to know the truth.
Not in an overly explicit or hateful way but I myself wasn’t told why / what’s going on. Which obviously made me think that it was my fault. And finding out later (as a young adult) that one of my parents had cheated was pretty difficult as well.

DotCottonDotCom · 05/01/2018 13:14

youspinmerightround I am so sorry to read the updates since last night. This is brutal. I wish I had more to add. What kind of support do you have?

LemonShark · 05/01/2018 13:14

OP if you can't bear speaking to anyone you can text Samaritans on 07725909090 instead. Might be more specialist support than just here, though of course you should keep posting if it helps. Anyone can text them x

threeandmeandthedog · 05/01/2018 13:17

OP am so sorry you are going through this. I am a few months further on and it does get easier, but it's bloody hard.
For me telling friends helped as I needed thier support. I got him to tell his family too. Don't feel embarrassed, you've done nothing wrong.
Time apart helped. I didn't tell my 3 dc anything until I had my thoughts straight and felt calm.
MN has been amazing for support, lots of people have been where you are now and you are not alone, there is an MN army with you. Xxx

horatioisabrick · 05/01/2018 13:18

Also, there’s nothing wrong with taking sleeping tablets (in a controlled manner).

I actually went to the family gp this morning to get mine. Don’t need them too often but 2-3 genuinely sleepless nights -depends on the circumstances- are my cut-off / when I take a tablet.

Being sleep deprived - especially in these circumstances - is horrible. And you need to look after yourself and stay ‘sane’.

threeandmeandthedog · 05/01/2018 13:20

You probably don't feel like it today but writing everything down has really helped me. It's helped me to stop going over the same things, and also to workout how I feel. It also serves as a good reminder of the damage my H has done and the hurt and pain he has caused.

crunched · 05/01/2018 13:22

@beachygirl
many posters here are projecting what happened to them onto your situation. Don't be over-influenced. He may tell you the truth, for good or for bad. Babies and bathwater spring to mind

I'm not minimising in any way, just want to re-iterate the above post.I can feel your pain via your posts. Wishing you and the DC love.

WinnieFosterTether · 05/01/2018 13:24

You need some RL support. Do you not have any family members who can come round to keep you company just now? Or Relate offer counselling online, you could 'talk' to a relationship counsellor online.

You're rushing to act and tbh I don't think the time is right to tell your DCs yet. Some people rush to be busy to avoid coping with their emotional crises. You need to take time to process. You're going to go through different stages just like grief and it will be very upsetting for your DCs if you both play every stage out in front of them.

You're fixating on the flowers but you need to be honest with yourself. If there had been no flowers, would you be ok with what he has done? The flowers are a symptom of the larger problem.

I hope you can get some rest and RL support today. Don't try to manage this yourself. That will only benefit him and you need to prioritise you and your DCs.

strugglingthroughlife · 05/01/2018 13:34

I am so so sorry to hear this, your pain is emanating through your messages, you're breaking my heart too! All I can do is wish you peace! Please take time to rest,

Original poster
youspinmerightround · 05/01/2018 13:37

I called the Samaritans and the lady was very nice she gave me the number for relate and told she even through the tears that she could hear strength in my voice and I can get through this.

My friend text me and told me when dh get sin from school run I should go down to hers for a bit and she will feed me. But I don't want to eat. So she's said I've to try some hot chocolate.

If I can muster up the energy I will. Dh can give the dcs their dinner then when I come in he can go 5o his dad's. He's away again now to ask his dad if he can stay with him just now.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 05/01/2018 13:40

Was it his idea to leave and has he fallen over himself apologising???

Deleting messages and changing a password isn’t very reassuring to your wife if you’re innocent.

He’s an idiot Flowers

Waddlelikeapenguin · 05/01/2018 13:41

So so sorry youspin.
Also Scottish & that song has far too much meaning to be sent to just anyone I would be heartbroken Flowers

Auburn2001 · 05/01/2018 13:43

I’m glad the Samaritans were helpful and that your friend has asked you to come over. Any chance she can pick you up from your house for more moral support?

DarthNigel · 05/01/2018 13:44

Good, definitely make yourself get up and go to your friends.

MegEmski · 05/01/2018 13:47

Oh OP I'm so sorry. Its horrendous

I am another who went through this and came out the other side, we are still together. And he is bloody grateful for that and knows how lucky he is! We had couple counselling and then he had a long course of counselling on his own.

Sending you lots of love. Take your time and do whatever you want to do. I didnt tell my parents but just 2 close friends who helped me so much. I made him tell his parents.

frasier · 05/01/2018 13:47

Yes yes go to your friend's.

Is he telling his father why? Do you think he will tell him the truth?

Head up! They won't believe him if he tells them the story he's told you, you know.

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 13:49

@youspinmerightround

Well done for ringing the Samaritans! Good! Small baby steps OP.

Did you find out anymore info on what went on with them?

Original poster
youspinmerightround · 05/01/2018 13:49

Yes he said he is telling bus dad. I don't know how well it will go down because his mum and dad split up when he was 10 because his mum was cheating on his dad. I can't imagine his dad being particularly impressed.

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 13:51

It is good he is seeking to stay elsewhere, for now at least. How the ripples spread! he will realise his silly infatuation has affected 5 family members. You, your DC and now his DF - and of course your friend.

LexieLulu · 05/01/2018 13:54

OP stay strong.
Have you sent OW a message from your own FB? Ask her outright?

Or you have her address now, face to face confrontation

ItsNachoCheese · 05/01/2018 13:56

So sorry your going through this op

Original poster
youspinmerightround · 05/01/2018 13:58

No I haven't. I can't. It's too painful.

OP posts:
debbs77 · 05/01/2018 14:01

Has he even apologised? Or is he just upping and leaving ??

The words you tell your children will stay with them forever. So choose wisely. I was ten when my dad left and the words you've said you'll say were EXACTLY the ones my parents used. Then he packed his bags and walked out the front door. I was screaming after him as he left. My mum then took me and my sister to school. I remember being late in and had to be taken quietly in to assembly through the side door and I sat at the front wondering what on earth was going on.

That was 30 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday.

Stay strong lovely xxxx

Jux · 05/01/2018 14:02

I’m so sorry. How did things move on so fast?

Pick up some bananas on your way to your friend’s. Even if you can’t eat anything else, some hot chocolate to drink along with a banana to, nibble, mashed or otherwise, just a little at a time, will help you to think sytaight. Bananas are packed with all the stuff you need to be healthy, and you do need to feed your body so that your brain can function. Try to eat one a day if you can’t eat anyth8ng else.

The Samaritan lady can hear how strong you are, even in the depths of your despair. Hang on to that thought - you will come out the other side of this, and you will be OK.