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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been having an affair. He get a home in an hour. Please keep me calm.

943 replies

youspinmerightround · 04/01/2018 21:12

Found emails and a receipt for flowers. The emails are just Facebook messenger notifications so I can't read what they say but he's addressed the flowers to "my love".

I'm in with the 3 dc. I'm going to be sick.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 05/01/2018 10:10

If she lives with her parents I'd definitely go round. Be very calm and explain you know she's been having an affair with your husband and that you'll be divorcing him for adultery and naming her. If there's nothing going on she'll be falling over herself to prove her innocence. If he's been lying to her about you being separated or whatever, she'll drop him in it. If she doesn't defend herself, you've got your answer.

tootiredtospeak · 05/01/2018 10:12

All these people are lovely and supportive in this thread but there not real. Tell someone your friend, sister, mother. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Get them round you need support real life support. A hug some tears together a cup of tea them telling you that it will be ok that they’ll help you and you’ll get through it. You will I’m sorry this has happened to you

mintbiscuit · 05/01/2018 10:17

If she lives with her parents I'd definitely go round. Be very calm and explain you know she's been having an affair with your husband and that you'll be divorcing him for adultery and naming her.

FFS. Do NOT involve the OW's parents in any way and pls ignore all of these STUPID suggestions. Her parents are innocents in all of this. And for all you know so could OW be.

OP as PP said, keep your dignity. Flowers

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/01/2018 10:18

I agree with tootired. Blow this whole thing open. Tell EVERYONE what he's been up to, don't feel stupid or embarrassed. These things thrive on the secrecy, the sneaking about is part of the fun. Once the cold winds of financial realities and everyone looking at them sideways start to whistle through this cosy secret affair, it's not fun any more. It's real life.

And it's not your fault. EVER. You have nothing to feel stupid about. He does. And everyone else will see that.

Original poster
youspinmerightround · 05/01/2018 10:18

The song doesn't say my love. It says my beautiful sweetheart in gaelic from runrigs loch lomond. And the next one says you'll always be a star in somebody's sky. That's from a pearl jam some I believe.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 05/01/2018 10:19

Where did the next song come from?

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 10:21

Those song lyrics being sent definitely sound like your 'D'H is infatuated.

Lovely333 · 05/01/2018 10:21

Wow he sounds so manipulative, He also sounds like hes trying to protect her by lieing pretending she wasnt interested.
Hes a liar and a cheat, You can do so much better.

DarthNigel · 05/01/2018 10:25

Have you anyone with you op?

DollFace13 · 05/01/2018 10:27

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please keep strong . He's not worth all this
As for her, shes a home wrecker. She knows he's married. It definitely sounds more than a friendship and if you could of seen those messages ,I bet that would have proven that and the fact they have a song and he's sending flowers with 'my love's on them.
Do not listen to his BS.

As for your uni. No don't let him ruin that (your life) as well as your marriage. You may find this will keep you busy.
Get him gone.

Stay strong . You deserve so much better.

ddrmum · 05/01/2018 10:28

OP so sorry you are I this situation. Not much to add to the other advice, finish your degree - you're nearly there, get copies of all documents - keep DC passports & birth certs, move money. My ex emptied the joint a/c to pay for solicitors & left me to find the money for mortgage & bills thinking it would force me to take him back (could write a book!)- abuse as well as random internet sex involved - yuk. Best advice - find your anger. It's early for you but when that anger kicks in you will be unstoppable. Thinking of you and your dc. Don't cover for him - let everyone know & get support from rl family & friends.

honeyroar · 05/01/2018 10:28

You poor thing, you've really had the rug pulled from under your feet. I remember that feeling of life changing forever. You're in shock, naturally. But I wanted to say that you will be alright, you will get through this. Nobody will judge you - you haven't done anything wrong. Tell friends and family, have people that you can lean on. Try and make sure that you eat as well as you can. If you have no appetite try and eat something small that's packed with vitamins and goodness (for me it was melon!). Tell your tutors. Let them help you through this last term - you're nearly qualified, then a whole set of new doors will open in your life. Try and get some legal advice on how to proceed. Whatever happens you will feel safer if you can control/feel safe in all other aspects of your life. And don't be afraid to see a dr or counsellor for help - both helped me greatly for a while until I was back on my feet again.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 05/01/2018 10:36

youspinmerightround use today to get what proof you can of his income and assets. You'll need it later.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/01/2018 10:37

I thought you said the message said "my love" but sorry if I'm confused.

Either way, those lyrics say it all don't they? Sad I'm sorry OP he's a liar and a cheat

Finola1step · 05/01/2018 10:37

youspinmerightround do you have a trusted friend or family member who can come and just be with you today?

RhiannonOHara · 05/01/2018 10:38

No real advice, OP, sorry, but I wanted to offer a hand-hold.

Eliza9917 · 05/01/2018 10:39

youspinmerightround Fri 05-Jan-18 02:14:18
I've asked him to see the messages he said they're all gone but he wouldn't have showed me anyway because even though they weren't sexual or emotional in anyway they were personal and he thinks it pick at things in them and fixate on them. Look for deeper meanings to mundane chit chat.

I think if he had nothing to hide he would show me. But like he said they're gone anyway.

Get back in to his FB and check archived or deleted messages, you have to delete them twice for them to be completely gone I think.

doubleshotespresso · 05/01/2018 10:42

OP So sorry you are dealing with this, I hope you get some rest today and that things with the children go as agreed. Do not be bamboozled by any of his manipulative crap, things from this point on should very much be on your terms, he has made bad choices, now o=it is time for him to acknowledge the consequences.

Please get some support from family/friends whatever, this is a big body blow for you, look after yourself.

nakedscientist · 05/01/2018 10:45

Go to the Uni on Monday and go to student services and tell them what has happened. They can offer you counselling, advice and study support. They need to know to help you. They will have lots of resources and will help you with a study break if necessary. Do not let him ruin your career.

Do not feel embarrassed, it is he who should die of shame.
Hugs Flowers

Shockers · 05/01/2018 10:47

If you have a joint savings account, freeze it today.

Good luck.

frasier · 05/01/2018 10:51

Ask for time with your studies. On the first day back, make an appointment to talk it through with your supervisor or whichever department deals with such things and work out a solution. There will be one. People interrupt or lengthen studies all the time.

You MUST finish your studies. It might not seem like it now but you have a great career ahead of you.

Have you family close who can help out? Have you someone with you today? Tell someone now, you need some rl support.

frasier · 05/01/2018 10:59

Re the embarrassment... There is NOTHING for you to feel embarrassed about. That man has lied, cheated, betrayed you and his children (what a nasty father he is as well as husband) and quite honestly sounds like a sniveling little toad with his begging flowers. If it is true the OW wants nothing to do with him, I'm not surprised.

OP you are better than that, you are better than him.

cathycake · 05/01/2018 10:59

Not much to add just support and like others have said you need to share this with a close friend or family for actual and not virtual support
When you have someone with you they will help you think straight and deal with the practical bits

Be the better person which you are and don't go facebooking etc.. stay classy !
X

thetemptationofchocolate · 05/01/2018 11:00

Will be thinking of you OP, I know you must feel as if the world has stopped for you, but you will get past this and life will get better again.

And if you need to be sick again, you know where to do it ... in his shoes.

coffeecow · 05/01/2018 11:03

Why has he agreed to move out and tell the kids so readily? He surely wouldn't be doing that purely for some messaging with an old colleague. There's more here then what he's telling you.