Dh has been having an affair. He get a home in an hour. Please keep me calm.

[youspinmerightround]

Found emails and a receipt for flowers. The emails are just Facebook messenger notifications so I can't read what they say but he's addressed the flowers to "my love".

I'm in with the 3 dc. I'm going to be sick.

You can't even attempt to reconcile when you aren't being told the truth.

Even if by chance this isn't a physical affair.... Many lines have been crossed and he knows it....hence deleting the messages.

Why is he leaving op? Have you asked him to?

OP I really feel for you. I've been where you are and it is horrendeous.

Don't be me. I swept it under the carpet and took him back, because he said he was sorry, and was desperate to make things work. I won't lie dcs and finances affected my decision as well. 6 years on I'm not over it, and probaby never will be. I feel like he has ruined any sort of relationship for me as I'm totally shut off from him and don't want to risk my heart with someone else. Pretty broken tbh.

Face up to it, and if you have the strength leave him as chances of getting back to a happy relationship are tiny. Lots of people stay together. Those who are over it and happy are in the tiny minority. Pretty much everyone who knows me socially would say DH and I are happy, over it, and stronger than ever. Like hell.

You can do what I did and spend months trying to find irrefutable proof but it will drive yourself half crazy at the same time and consume you.

I did this too. It nearly killed me. It didn't drive me half crazy - it drove me completely crazy

He is definitely lying. You know that by the "my love" bit of the message.

You need to decide what to do now. Him leaving will give you the time to do that.

Do you want him to leave?

I'm supposed to be back at uni on Monday for my final term of a nursing degree.

All I know is, you have slogged your way through 8 terms of this, only one more to go! You can do this! Dissertation done yet?

OP whatever you do please throw everything you have left into finishing your degree. Inform the Uni and your personal tutor. They may be able to give you some leeway on deadlines etc etc or even postpone your final term . Do not let this set you off track. When you are working as a nurse it will give you more than money. You get back from what you give to others ,it is the most satisfying of careers yes stressful but so worth it. I am so sorry this happened to you and your dc. I happen to think he is really going to regret this so much . I can see him begging to come home and l don't know how you will cope with that. Try to take care of yourself and your DC.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
I agree with others you need hard proof in terms of screenshots or pictures of the emails with the receipt to her and pics of the notifications... he will try and twist it no doubt that you are incorrect but the proof is right there.

Let us know if your ok - so sorry

Totally agree with previous poster. Throw yourself into your studies and work. Don't let him destroy your career, and earning potential. He's not worth it.

I've just read through this thread and just wanted to offer my support and a massive virtual hug. You've had wonderful suggestions from women who've been in your position. I haven't' had to deal with this specific situation, but wanted to remind you that things DO get better. However awful it feels now. 'This too shall pass' can be quite a useful phrase I find when things are tough. Really feel for you. I hope you can derive some comfort from this thread and all the people who are rooting for you xx

I'm so sorry

I feel awful for you too. But many posters here are projecting what happened to them onto your situation. Don't be over-influenced. He may tell you the truth, for good or for bad. It might be a minor infatuation or a full on affair; no-one on here knows. Babies and bathwater spring to mind. Be careful what you say to DC at this early stage when things are so raw.

I'm so sorry OP 💐 no one should have to go through this

Please don't let him say anything to those little kids yet. He'll destroy them then bugger off and leave you with the fallout. Make excuses for his absence for now. You're too fragile yourself to deal with anything more. So sad for you right now 💐 x

It seems very quick after discovery to be telling your children. Surely you won’t have had time to process how best to go about that?

"You can do what I did and spend months trying to find irrefutable proof but it will drive yourself half crazy at the same time and consume you"

Also me.For years. I'd find myself sat at 3am in the loo with his phone trying to find anything incriminating.
The end came when a girl we both knew started liking a lot of his social media and I saw her name flash up on his phone. I texted her "I know what you're doing with X" and she told me everything. I would have rathered not know. It didn't make anything better it just ruined any happy memories I had.

Also you need to be able to hold yourself together in order to support the children. I'm worried about how you'll all cope once he's told them and buggered off.

This is a massive jump from thinking everything is fine

1. did he grovel?
2. did you ask what song it was and how it came to be a song where he would send lyrics on a note with flowers?
3. check his phone Bill
4. i wouldn't tell the kids yet.
5. holy fuck she lives with her parents! If he goes to be with her she will get cold feet

So sorry OP. Don't be rash but do get your ducks Lined up. I agree with others be definitely hasn't told you it all and it will come out drip by drip the more digging you do and stuff you find out about.

Ive just read more. Im now a single parent with three very small children.

Get your degree finished. Sweep this under the carpet until then.

Well do whatever you need to but you are definitely going to need money.

So sorry for you OP. You sound like you are clutching at straws and looking for a way to get past this with him.

If you have the strength to do so, you need to have the whole truth. That means all the emails, texts etc, however painful. (I'm sure there is a techy way to find deleted emails and messages, MNetters will have the skills if he doesn’t). When you know everything, the balance of power will be in your favour. At the moment he is the one in control.

If he wants a second chance he will agree to this If he won’t, then I’m afraid the commitment isn’t there on his side and it’s a no go.

Also it is a bit soon to tell the DC, give yourself some space and cooling off time.

But definitely not too soon to sweep the bank account and cut up his credit cards.

Like Schaden I would be sorely (and probably wrongly) tempted to contact her parents. I would tell them I intend naming her in the divorce. That’s assuming they are decent folk who would give her Hell.

Gosh, memories I never want to revisit have surfaced after reading this thread

OP, I second those who have said throw yourself into your studies. You are so close to finishing!

Only you know what you can do to get through this. We can all give you what we did but one answer doesn't fit all.

I wish you strength to get through this dreadful time and stamina, you'll need stamina!

Please, please TELL FRIENDS AND FAMILY NOW.

Many women feel humilated and embarrassed when a partner cheats, as if it's some reflection on them. It REALLY REALLY ISN'T! No decent person will judge this as any kind of failure on your part.

I was too embarrassed to tell people IRL and it gave my partner a massive head start on spreading lies. Then, when I eventually did tell people about it to justify myself, they didn't think I was telling the truth. (Admittedly my family are very poor at practical or emotional support). It's better to get it out in the open, and get the support you need straight away. It is not, in any way, a judgement on your worth or value. All it means - ALL - is that your DP is a tosser.

@youspinmerightround thinking of you and hope you have support around you for whatever decision you decide to make. It's your decision and agree with others to do all you can to focus on your studies (but do ask them for support), and do not involve children until you've made a decision. Good luck xx

OP, I had some CBT a few years ago and something I learned then has stuck with me. It might be useful to you too.

I used to dwell on problems. Go over and over them in my mind, work out different ways I should have dealt with them... I could take something minor and spend years on it, literally years.

By doing that I was making my problems bigger, not smaller. By giving them all that time and attention and space in my head, I was making things worse for myself.

I have learned, over the years, to stop doing that.

Instead I think about something; work out what the best thing to do is; and then I do the thing, and stop thinking about the problem.

It's made things much easier.

If you can, don't let this occupy your mind all the time.

Remind yourself each time you think of it that you've done nothing wrong and are not to blame for anything, then consciously think of something else. Work out how you're going to move forward, then think of something else. Your studies are an obvious one.

I hope this helps.

did you ask what song it was and how it came to be a song where he would send lyrics on a note with flowers?

I was thinking this too.

I wonder what his reaction would be if you referred to another man as 'My love's and sent him something like aftershave.