Dh has been having an affair. He get a home in an hour. Please keep me calm.

[youspinmerightround]

Found emails and a receipt for flowers. The emails are just Facebook messenger notifications so I can't read what they say but he's addressed the flowers to "my love".

I'm in with the 3 dc. I'm going to be sick.

I'm a nurse. Speak to uni and placements they will be understanding. any coursework etc you may be able to get an extension on?

Is she married OP? Sorry if i missed it.

If i were you i would try to be very minimal with what you/he says to the kids at the moment.

Tell them he's going somewhere for work or to help a friend out of something.

They don't need to know you're splitting up yet or who's idea it is.

OP, I think you're misreading Waitingfortheendtocome's situation. Look at her username. I may be reading the wrong thing into it, but it looks as if they are back together for now.
Sorry, Waiting. I hope it works out for the best.

I have a friend who managed to stay, they are stronger than ever and finally, he feels some real respect for her and the things that are important to her. He knows now that if he steps out of line that’s it and he doesn’t want to loose her.

It was not easy and it required a huge amount of opening up and disclose the truth so trust could be restored.

I’m afraid that it doesn’t look like he wants to save the marriage or re establish the trust, he has deleted everything, won’t tell you anything, he is moving out straight away. That thing if the song is plain Gad lighting... you don’t send songs to people you have offended starting with “my love” unless there is a much bigger story in the background. But the worst part is that he wants to tell the children, that sounds very definitive, he could say he will be away for some days, weeks but nobody in their right mind, with a good heart, would be involving the children at this stage when so many things are still on the air.

OP, do NOT let him tell the children, please protect your kids, he will just hurt them and confuse them. Stop his non sense NOW and tell him you both will talk to the kids when you both are out of this shock and are clearer on what the future holds.

OP, d

So very sorry you're going through this, it is absolutely the worst pain I've ever known - I thought it would kill me, at times I wanted it to. I'm four years on from my discovery, still have bad times but it has improved.

It doesn't sound like he's been honest in his response to what you found, it's very likely there is more to come out. He doesn't seem to want to try to "fix" this - he's getting out quickly which may suggest he has somewhere to go? I hope I'm wrong.

Please reach out to a good friend or close family, you need practical and emotional support for you and your children. Be kind to yourself, try to eat a little & keep your fluids up. If I can help, happy to pm

Hi OP.

I think he's lying and there is a lot more to this than an infatuation or 'emotional affair'. In my experience he will only admit to that which he can't deny - I.e. Sending flowers and messages.

You can do what I did and spend months trying to find irrefutable proof but it will drive yourself half crazy at the same time and consume you.

I stayed after the first affair and we went for counselling but it was never the same. I lost all respect for him and our marriage. I was always distrustful of him and he did it again anyway, a number of years later only this time he left me for the new OW. Again, gaslighting and lying denying.

I don't know what to advise but I know I am much happier now without him and his constant lies. Not knowing the person you are married to is awful. Living without trust is awful. Waiting and anticipating for it to happen again sucks the joy from your life.

Getting divorced was awful and painful and scary but it is brilliant (at least for me) now I am on the other side, years later and am now with a man I adore and trust.

Good luck with whatever you decide but please believe you have nothing to be ashamed about! He is the cheat and the liar and he has let down his family.

It will get better - promise xxx

I'm so sorry OP.
This is horrendous and there's no two ways about it.
You will feel sick for a while yet and you won't be able to eat.
But please do try to have sugary drinks.
You are currently in shock.
Once the adrenalin stops you will need to be hydrated and your sugar levels up.
Sugary tea got me through.
After that - ice-lollies.
Anything solid I just couldn't manage.
So keep it liquid for now.
You need to sit and breathe.
Easier said than done I know.
I paced and paced for hours.
The one thing that will help right now is telling someone.
Someone who won't judge you should you decide to try to stay together.
I kept my ExH dirty secret for far too long and it nearly destroyed me.
The relief when I told people was immense.
Please get some real life love and support around you as soon as possible.
Dealing with it on your own will eat you up inside.
Sending you virtual (((((HUGS)))))

She lives with her parents.

Hi OP.
I’ve also been where you are.
I posted here and got so much advice.
I remember the pain so vividly. It’s like no other pain I’ve ever felt. I thought I was dying. But it does fade. Slowly but it does go.
The biggest change in that feeling is taking control and being practical. It’s so hard to not just rock in a corner but, when you have dc, you haven’t the luxury.
You definitely need people around who will feel the anger for you till you get there yourself. I messaged my girlfriends at 6am on a Thursday morning and by 12 noon I was sitting in my friend’s garden with 4 of them. 2 of whom had come round in their lunch hour and one who’s fb had taken a day off to take her dc out so we could have time and space.
You need to get angry. The anger is a MASSIVE motivator. And your people will help you get there.

I also get the embarrassment. I’m not a big fb poster but I remember looking at the OW’s fb and she was posting pics of her and her dh at a wedding and at the launch of their business. He felt similarly to you.
She was a friend of ours. Her dh found messages. But I didn’t see these till much later.
My dh who was the typical “good dad and husband” had been telling her he didn’t care that his ds was in hospital (with suspected sepsis) and would consider leaving his 4 year old dd alone in bed because he wanted to fuck her so much.

Trust me. His messages are not innocent.
My lcb (lying cheating bastard) stbxh told me they hadn’t slept together they’d just “held each other”

Really hope you get some support today op and you find your strength. I did it and still can’t believe it all but you will cope because you have no other choice.
Fake it till you make it worked wonders for me.
It can for you too.

Also, hi nigel

Morning, YouSpin. I hope you got some sleep.

It's awful right now but you are going to be OK. Hellsbells has given you good advice re the sugary drinks; just try to breathe and don't whatever you do blame yourself.

Try to keep busy, as that will help you keep this all in proportion.

It's good that you've got your nursing degree to focus on too. Tell your uni what's happening so they can give you help if you need it.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I feel sick for you because I know what this is like.

I tried to stay with my ex. We were engaged to be married and I thought we could work through it.

In the end it just made me paranoid and I completely internalised it all and it made me very unwell.

I will also say that the lies didn't stop at all, he just got better at hiding them.

I've been where you are now. My DH had an affair and I found out when my dd was a baby. It was a truly shitty time and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We separated, divorced even, but did get back together. Everyone warned me not to, but I had to follow my heart. We've been back together 6 years and have another dd. Best decision I ever made. Almost felt like it had to happen. Made us look long and hard at our marriage and where we went wrong. This time round we've learnt from our mistakes and our relationship is 100 times better than it was. I'm not saying it's what everyone should. Of course not! But sometimes there is a way through all the shit

Uni will support you, just be honest with them and they will understand. Your whole world has just turned upside down. But it will give you a focus other than the children, and you will have a good career at the end of it. Well done for getting so far with it.

None of the embarassment of this is yours. He's cheated. And don't hide that from family or friends, the shame is entirely his

OP unless he's said he doesn't wsnt to be with you it seems a bit premature to tell the children he's leaving. Would he not be able to 'go away' for a while to give you time to get the truth and rationally think things through including how you tell the children?

Doing it while this raw could be more damaging for them than it would be otherwise.

If he's leaving without putting up a fight then that tells you what you need to know. If he was innocent and this was just a friendship he'd laugh it off and show you the messages.

You were my first thought this morning. I hope you have excellent real life support. Please don't feel embarrassed. You have literally nothing to be embarrassed about.

I was a health care student and I'm sure they would allow you to defer your placement. I knew of students who just started a week or so later than planned. Ask for what you need. Uni are there to support you too xx

Yes op. Tell people.

Im divorcing because my h was abusive.

I had to keep the end of our marriage a secret for almost 9 months. It was awful. Pick one or two very good friends or family. Start small. And like the pp said about getting angry until you get your own.

It took me far, far too long to get angry but it is helpful.

And, i havent had time to read this mornings posts so sorry if it has been said, but get the important documents hidden and out of the house.

my friends dh had an affair for over 2 years, he told her he'd been planning on leaving her for the OW, she stayed with him and told me the other week how she really really loves him.
I don't get it but maybe you can work through these things together?

I don't think I could but I guess we are all different.

Morning op today and from now on is about you and your dc. Whether you decided to stay together or seperare it’s all about you now. Dh has had his time thinking only of himself. You don’t need to make any decisions to your dh you are not ready for. Get over the shock first. Take yourself off to a friends for the weekend go out see your family think of yourself xx

DH (& he is back to being DH) & I stayed together. Full on affair (2010) but with complete communication but an awful couple of years, we have managed to get back to where we were.
Had absolutely no idea we were in a bad place, just thought it was a rough patch with demanding job/busy lives/children
Don't know how we managed to scrap through, but I do feel at peace with my situation.

Try and communicate- don't let him brush it off - even if you do end up splitting

OP I kind of managed by taking it a day at a time. He knew we (me & kids) were ready to leave at any moment if the relationship wasn't going the way I needed! This was over 10 years ago.

He was also very remorseful, not a clever adulterer, I found out very very quickly!!

A PP mentioned my user name, absolutely no reference at all to my relationship, tbh it's a song by Linkin Park that helps me whilst I'm going through cancer treatment.

Once again good luck xx

I would be tempted to write to her parents and ask them if they know what a vile slut of a daughter they'd raised.* I don't call women "sluts" lightly, but any woman who has an affair with a man knowing he is in a relationship, especially where there are children, has no right to respect.

This would, however be the WRONG thing to do - keep your dignity OP*

Yes to the pp who have advised asking to defer your placement for a bit, or at least explaining the situation to uni. That will be on your mind, so make that the priority today if you can.
I didn't do this, as I'd, literally the day I found out, started a new and quite 'big' job. I didn't feel I could ask for support as it was new and they didn't know me. But I wasn't functioning and I ended up losing that job three months later-they didn't pass me in my probation, which just added to the mess I was in and which really has been very bad for my career and my confidence. I wish I'd asked for the help and been kinder to myself at the time as it might have been avoided.
Be honest with them, you will be surprised st the support you get.

And yes to telling other people too-because he sure as hell will be, and not the truth either. Often times they go to unbelievable lengths to justify their own behaviour and that seems to include painting you as a bad person to anyone that will listen. Which again adds to the hurt.

Thinking of you op...>>waves back at onit

Take it hour by hour. Try to not let your panic takeover. We are all here for you , even if we are strangers. Some of us have been through this.....me included......and we did get through it albeit fucking hideous for a while. Sending lots of positive thoughts x you can do this lovely

So very sorry for you op, devastating for you. Why did he leave his job where he worked with ow, do you know? Just wondered if his company found out something was going on between them and that’s why he had to leave. From the sounds of it he doesn’t seem to be fighting to save the relationship and prove his innocence, telling the children so quickly. He sounds like a snake. Hope you have some good friends and family to support you through this tough time.

I’m sat here weeping for you.
It’s just horrendous how a horribly selfish act between two people can throw so many lives into chaos.
Please please contact your mum, or a friend, or his mum who will make you tea, hold your hand and cuddle you while you cry.
Then, pull on your big girl pants and transfer whatever money you can into YOUR name.
And do it fast bacause , trust me, if you don’t he will.
I’m sending you the biggest hug.
Now phone for some support. And phone a solicitor. Xxx