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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been having an affair. He get a home in an hour. Please keep me calm.

943 replies

youspinmerightround · 04/01/2018 21:12

Found emails and a receipt for flowers. The emails are just Facebook messenger notifications so I can't read what they say but he's addressed the flowers to "my love".

I'm in with the 3 dc. I'm going to be sick.

OP posts:
AmaraSas · 05/01/2018 08:04

Morning OP. Thinking of You.

The time apart will do you good, give you thinking space.

Make sure you are there when he tells your DC's so he doesnt say anything to make you out to be the bad guy through this.

I dont know your situation but i will say, he is their father and as much as you cant be around him right now you must enable the relationship he has with them. Be whiter than white, i am not saying you wont be, just my personal rxperience i fought back and allowed my emotions to lead me, i am
Not proud of some of the stuff that came out of my mouth and i know that if we ended up in a custody battle it will come out against me. As hard as it is, own your feelings, tell him, be strong, be controlled.

Hand hold, sending strength and energy for today

Newrules · 05/01/2018 08:05

Is he leaving to be with her?

MrsMozart · 05/01/2018 08:06

Nothing for you to be embarrassed about lass. It's not you that's been the lying cheating shit face.

Ledkr · 05/01/2018 08:07

The thing is, you just don't know how you'd act until it happens.
I was all "he'd be out the door if he cheated" but when it happened I was so profoundly hurt and shocked that I tried to believe his excuses and lies so that my life didn't have to change in such a terrifying and unexpected way.
Of course the truth eventually came out and we split but I do understand why the op is choosing to believe him for now.

JustAnIdiot · 05/01/2018 08:07

If it were all so innocent, he would have kept the "friendly, chatty, not-inappropriate" messages to show you.

What a scumbag.

Amaz24 · 05/01/2018 08:08

I'm so sorry for you. Keep strong I feel your doing the right thing. My husband had an affair for 1 year apparently. She put a letter through my door telling me! I found out 1 month ago!
I cry daily and it hurts so much. But I know i dont deserve that and he has now lost the best thing he had his family.
At the min you won't be able to think straight for a long time. I'm told it gets better and we will survive so looking to that.

Amaz24 · 05/01/2018 08:09

So he hasn't fought to keep his family together if he's moving out and telling kids? That says a lot to me Hun. I'm sorry I really am I feel your pain. Xxx

Gazelda · 05/01/2018 08:09

OP, I can imagine it feels as though your world has crashed down. He's destroyed it. But he's not destroyed you. You will find strength. You will recover. You will never be the same, but you will be OK.
He's been a shit, he's messed up. No doubt he will try to pin some blame on you. No doubt he will try to make things difficult for you.
But you must keep posting here, speaking with friends and family you can trust and make sure that you and your DC get all of the help and support you need.

NaiceBiscuits · 05/01/2018 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saveyourkissesforme · 05/01/2018 08:10

So sorry that this is happening to you. I hope you can get some RL support today. If you need to talk somewhere else that can be done in other parts of MN of course.

RedTartanLass · 05/01/2018 08:10

Oh darling how horrendous for you, and yes your life has changed forever. Wether you choose to believe him or not, nothing will ever be the same. 10 little words .... do not believe a wordthat comes out his mouth!!!

Before you start digging further you need to think wether you actually want to know the real truth. You know deep down the truth! Everyone on this thread does. But do you want to know??

Because believe me it's not so much the affair that hurts, it's the lies and feeling like a stupid naive fool. This is going to be one of the worst journeys of you and your children's lives and I understand why so many woman choose to "believe".

There is no advice I can give but just get through each day, it's been 2 years since I saw just one message and opened up the biggest can of worms and I still cry regularly. This is not the life I imagined I'd have at 50. But rather this that be with a treacherous cheating bastard!

So if you want to believe him, stop searching if you want to know the truth ask for bank statements and phone bills! He'll double bluff you and make you feel like a paranoid fool, well he's already doing that "you'll blow the messages up out of proportion".

Have a long think what you really want, the truth or the life you have now. You can't have both. I'm so sorry, I feel sick for you.

AmaraSas · 05/01/2018 08:10

Oh i just had a thought, if he is leaving today get all the credit cards etc that are in joint names from him, or if you dont want to do that do something to protect yourself financially. I know its practical but my exoh spent all the money in our joint account and left me unable to pay the bills.

This is not your fault,

Xanadu44 · 05/01/2018 08:11

Big hugs OP. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He does. Think about it, when did you ever thing badly on the person who was cheated on? You only ever think the cheater is a bastard! That's all anyone who finds out will think. They will think he's a dick (and they'd be right) this will get easier. Xx

Amaz24 · 05/01/2018 08:11

Try to talk to him about what your going to tell the children. You do t want him saying something you don't agree with

RedTartanLass · 05/01/2018 08:14

@NaiceBIscuits yup the old blame shifting!! If my ex had held his hands up and apoligised and come clean right away, there may have been a chance of forgiveness. But the lies and deceit and the drip feeding of truth.. fuck that. Poor poor OP. :(

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 08:18

My STBXH still denies the affair even though our DD found their sex messages, even though he was seeing her when he moved out, even when he'd moved in with her and the DC weren't told. 16 months on and the DC still haven't met the OW. It beggars belief tbh. These men lie in order to protect their reputation and use cognitive dissonance to achieve it. Pathetic.

smartiecake · 05/01/2018 08:18

OP can someone come round today to give you support? FlowersBrew

waitingfortheendtocome · 05/01/2018 08:23

Gosh this thread has brought it all back, it happened to me. It's bloody awful I know, somehow we got through it and still together, but looking back I just don't know where I got the emotional strength to do so. Good luck OP x

Original poster
youspinmerightround · 05/01/2018 08:23

I did think those things actually about telling the dc. That I will be there and that he's to tell them it's his choice and not mine. I can't believe this is what my life has become.

I'm supposed to be back at uni on Monday for my final term of a nursing degree. How am I going to cope with that now. I just about manage as it is. I don't know what I'll do.

OP posts:
Original poster
youspinmerightround · 05/01/2018 08:25

Waiting I think you're the first person on this thread to say you stayed together. How on earth did you manage it.

I can't get past the flowers. Every time I close my eyes I see the email.

OP posts:
queencerulean · 05/01/2018 08:25

youspin I cant write much as about to do school run but I am sending you a huge hug.
You are in for a shit few days/weeks but it does get easier.
He’s likely minimising things and be prepared for a drip drip of more information. He may not exactly be lying at the moment but he may be omitting the truth.
You don’t need to make any decisions yet. You will change your mind a thousand times anyway.
Just look after yourself and tell someone so you have some support.
I went through this 11 weeks ago. It’s heartbreaking but you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

queencerulean · 05/01/2018 08:27

And you will see that message in your head for a long time yet. But that’s ok. That’s where you’re at at the moment. But in time you will think about it less and the hurt will start to lessen just a bit.
Your emotions will change minute to minute, hour to hour. It’s totally draining and exhausting.
But you will get through it.

hatty44 · 05/01/2018 08:29

So sorry OP, all this has come about so quickly for you, I am not surprised you can't get your head round it.
Are you sure you want to be making such big decisions so quickly? Could he not move out for a couple weeks and give you both space and time to chat. Telling the children can not be undone and I wonder if it may be better to wait until you are both a little calmer, and you know a little more about what actually happened

GlitterSparkles17 · 05/01/2018 08:34

Has he even apologised or is he just getting defensive and blaming you for it all?

I really feel for you OP, hope you get some rest today.

Amaz24 · 05/01/2018 08:34

I stayed with my husband the first time ( that time the OW husband knocked in my door) I forgave him as first time seemed sorry , had a child been together a long time etc. 2 years later here I am again. So now it's over 1 month ago. Should have done 1st time looking back.