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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been having an affair. He get a home in an hour. Please keep me calm.

943 replies

youspinmerightround · 04/01/2018 21:12

Found emails and a receipt for flowers. The emails are just Facebook messenger notifications so I can't read what they say but he's addressed the flowers to "my love".

I'm in with the 3 dc. I'm going to be sick.

OP posts:
gingertigercat · 05/01/2018 07:26

How dare he think he can call the shots after his behaviour. He should be apologetic and willing to do anything you ask in terms of his phone right now to regain your trust. The fact he hasn't and has changed his password speaks volumes

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 07:27

If he worked with the OW, it's quite possible he was seeing her then?

GeekyWombat · 05/01/2018 07:27

Morning OP. Hope you’ve had some sleep and that this morning you get some breathing space to decide what you want to do next.

marywasneeavirgin · 05/01/2018 07:30

I'm so sorry for you. I'd be inclined to ask him to let you have access to his emails and phone anytime you want. I'd also contact her and see if she will meet you today when you,know he is with dc.

Wallywobbles · 05/01/2018 07:30

I think I'd start with him moving out for a while to give you space to think. And him to realize what he's going to loose. Where he goes is not your problem, but if he goes to her you have your answers. So sorry though.

drainsup · 05/01/2018 07:33

Morning OP, went to bed feeling your pain as been in same position in years gone by. Woke up wondering how you were but knowing you must still be in shock. Thinking of you and sending you some strength xx

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 05/01/2018 07:34

If you've got her address you could pay her a visit while he's out today. Though he may have been messaging her all night from the sofa.

Shoxfordian · 05/01/2018 07:38

Hope you got some rest OP

Amaz24 · 05/01/2018 07:39

How are you? You were my first thought this morning. Still cannot believe what is happening I'm sure.

MilesHuntsWig · 05/01/2018 07:40

Huge hugs. You’re worth better than this.

Original poster
youspinmerightround · 05/01/2018 07:43

Still dying inside. I'm so embarrassed that I believed our life. I'm embarrassed that I have to tell people what has happened. He's moving out tonight. We are telling the dcs after school. Or should I say he is.

OP posts:
StylishMummy · 05/01/2018 07:44

OP if he's our for the day, try to use today to get some documentation together if you do decide to LTB. Thinking practically any financial documents or the receipt for the bastard flowers etc, yours and DCs passports, then if you decide you don't want to stay with him, you're prepared. Hope you're ok Thanks

BastardGoDarkly · 05/01/2018 07:45

Morning op, I've been following you're thread, I'm so very sorry.

Innocent men don't delete the proof of their innocence.

He's a liar.

Have you got someone you can call today for some support?

flumpybear · 05/01/2018 07:49

So sorry OP sounds like you're well shot of him though if he's sending flowers and reciting song lyrics, that's too personal - he's not worth the tears, tell him to sort finances out so he supports his family he's so eager to throw away then fuck off to his whore

clippedcasuals · 05/01/2018 07:50

That is shit OP. I am really sorry. Flowers

sanasa · 05/01/2018 07:50

I've been cheated on. I had a 5 month old when I found out.
The lies he fed me in a bid for me not to find out the whole truth. He said anything to save to backside. The truth of it, he was a lying cheating scumbag.
I'm so sorry he's hurt you, it feels like total rock bottom but I promise this will pass whatever you decide to do. The hurt won't last forever. Keep strong Thanks

TheHobbitMum · 05/01/2018 07:50

I'm. So sorry OP, what a bastard he is! You have nothing to be embarrassed about, you haven't done anything wrong and have been treated awfully Sad

MotherCupboard · 05/01/2018 07:50

He's told you the bare minimum. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Tell everyone what he's done. Let him deal with the fallout, don't try and explain it away for him.

Their messages can't be both personal and mundane chit chat.

Reflexella · 05/01/2018 07:51

This isn’t your embarrassment, it’s his.
Have you got someone you can call in real life to help you out with this? - just come and sit with you x
He was just trying to limitate the damage last night - load of rubbish
Sorry that this has happened to you Flowers

ssd · 05/01/2018 07:53

A guy with nothing to hide doesn't change his passwords the minute he thinks his wife can see his messages, he warns the OW straight away to not reply to any messages or give anything away, he doesn't send another woman flowers and he doesn't know the lyrics to songs just because she likes them

he's a lying shame faced manipulative bastard

I'm sorry. The utter shit.

GetTaeBed · 05/01/2018 07:54

Hope you managed to get some sleep OP.

I would need to see everything to be able to move forward. It is cards on the table time - he needs to show you everything- facebook, Whatsapp, etc and gives you his phone. Not with him hovering - gives you it until you are ready to give it back.

He may not want to for fear/ embarrassment but he needs to know this is the only way he can stay for the moment - otherwise he is out the door - a sharp reality check of exactly what he has got to lose will hit him this morning. As others posters have said don't let him deflects anything onto you - if he is sorry he should be doing everything in his power to repair this and showing you everything is part of this. If he doesn't, I think there may be more to it and that he is minimising and hiding this.

AnotherDunroamin · 05/01/2018 07:58

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. What possesses people to throw their lives away just because someone's turned their head? He'll realise too late that it wasn't worth it.
Re the messages, they're only deleted from his account - they'll still be on hers (unless he's asked her to delete too). If it really was true Hmm that he'd pursued her and she'd said no without anything happening, she might be willing to send them to you. But I'm highly sceptical that he's telling anything like the truth.
Do you have support around you today? Flowers

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 07:58

@youspinmerightround

He's moving out and you're telling the DC? How did it get to this stage so quickly? Did he admit more then?

WasDoingFine · 05/01/2018 07:59

I found out about my stbxh 6mths ago. Had all the same bullshit as what he's telling you. But.... l managed to get on his emails too.

I would never ever take him back. The respect for him has gone and his certainly had gone for me by how he treated me. I deserve better.

He can tell the children but DO NOT let him put any blame on you. I insisted that he could say he didn't love me anymore but no WAY was it that l didn't love him.

Where is he moving too? Stbx moved into rented accommodation and l immediately started EOW contact - that sure ate into his new "single life" fun.

You will get through this.

TheVoiceOfTreason · 05/01/2018 08:04

Please rest assured that YOU have nothing to feel embarrassed about. You are not naive or gullible and he has not humiliated you, he's the one who should be embarrassed, not you. You are a decent, loyal, trusting person. There is no shame in that. He is a shitty bastard.

I have no advice but lots of empathy. Confide in a close friend in real life too - you need the hugs and support, nobody will judge you.

Sending you strength and solidarity.

Xxxxxx

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