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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been having an affair. He get a home in an hour. Please keep me calm.

943 replies

youspinmerightround · 04/01/2018 21:12

Found emails and a receipt for flowers. The emails are just Facebook messenger notifications so I can't read what they say but he's addressed the flowers to "my love".

I'm in with the 3 dc. I'm going to be sick.

OP posts:
OrangeCarpet · 05/01/2018 04:07

How long did he work with her? Is there anyone you know that used to work with them that might be able to tell you anything. It could have been going on a long time. Can you ask her directly what’s going on. Tell her he’s said she means nothing to him. That’ll piss her off and she’ll likely tell all.

frasier · 05/01/2018 04:15

I think you do need to tell someone in real life also. It's an awful thing to have to do because it can't be unsaid. But what he's done can't be undone and you need someone to know the score so they can help out right now.

2017SoFarSoGood · 05/01/2018 04:30

He is playing you for a fool, and desperate for you to be one.

Without him showing you every app you will not know, but will torture yourself imagining the details. I think you have to insist. With consequences if he refuses.

Still gutted for your. The bastard is able to sleep. 💐💐💐💐

Shadow666 · 05/01/2018 05:05

Hope you got some sleep.

My gut says that if it was innocent, then he'd be trying to prove that it was innocent. Deleting the messages and changing his password dont point to innocence.

In the end, you dont need proof. If the trust is gone, then you can end the marriage if you want to anyway. Its up to you.

FixItUpChappie · 05/01/2018 05:16

Sorry your going through this OPThanks His story just doesn't ring true unfortunately.

elfies · 05/01/2018 05:25

Spend the time he's out with the bairn tomorrow checking everything you can, phone bills, banks, tax, passports , Insurances and helplines, gather marriage and birth certificates , and get your own passport and the childrens . Store them with someone you trust , and then do whatever you have to but please don't leave him with the house. You'll have the right to live in it until the children leave school .
Good Luck

MyOtherProfile · 05/01/2018 05:27

How has he been with you tonight? Is he being repentant and concerned for you or defensive and cross?

k567 · 05/01/2018 05:29

What song is it supposed to be from?

LadyWobbleton · 05/01/2018 05:35

I'd also ask what song and see if he can name or tries to think of one.

I'm sorry OP. What a shit situation Thanks

Shard1662 · 05/01/2018 06:03

Get rid, you deserve better and so do your DC.

TheLegendOfBeans · 05/01/2018 06:08

and he thinks it pick at things in them and fixate on them. Look for deeper meanings to mundane chit chat.

What a gaslighting bastard. I’d say try abs get a hold of his phone but you’d likely find that he’s “cleaned” that too.

Justsaynonow · 05/01/2018 06:19

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I grew up in a household where my dad was a serial cheater & my mom knew. I feel sick on your behalf, and hope the support you're receiving here will help - I read thread after thread like this, and am amazed by the knowledgeable, empathetic people here.
For trouble with racing thoughts and difficulty sleeping, I use the linked . Pretty successful most times at calming if not sleep.

Ohb0llocks · 05/01/2018 06:20

What a bastard op. You deserve better.

BattleCuntGalactica · 05/01/2018 06:20

@youspinmerightround show him the thread. 💯

Shadow666 · 05/01/2018 06:31

He wont care about this thread. He'll just say we are a bunch of twisted man-haters who are putting you wrong. He wont care about the song, he'll say that its typical of you to focus on the wrong things. Because thats the next step, to blame everything on the OP. Just remember its a crock of shit. Its all his fault, no one elses.

Veterinari · 05/01/2018 06:32

Don’t show him the thread - you’ll only give him ammunition.

He’s not apologised or opened up to you. He’s denied, minimised and changed his passwords to continue hiding his secret life from you. He is doing nothing to reassure you but instead trying to insist you’re paranoid.

If he had nothing to hide he wouldn’t be hiding. Sorry OP but I think you need to prepare for the worst Flowers

WinchestersInATardis · 05/01/2018 06:38

The fact that it's a song lyric doesn't matter. I wouldn't send a married person a song lyric that said 'my love' and neither would anyone else unless they actually meant it as 'my love'

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/01/2018 06:50

I’m sorry. I agree with the consensus. If it were nothing very much, he wouldn’t have deleted the messages and resetting the passwords. He’s blocking your from finding out the truth. Flowers

Now get all evidence together of his earnings, payslips, bank accounts, savings, pensions, shares, mortgage etc. Copy the lot while he’s out today with your dd and hide it somewhere other than your home. You may need this in future.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 05/01/2018 07:01

I have been reading your thread since you put it mn and can I say with fakebook. I thought what ever messages you send and receive saves to your emails addy. So why not ask to see your H 's emails on fakebook.

OliviaBenson · 05/01/2018 07:02

He deleted it but said he wouldn't show you anyway. And now he's changed his password?

He's lying. I'm so sorry.

I'd ask him to leave to give you space. His whole behaviour is unforgivable.

Bobbins43 · 05/01/2018 07:03

Hope you managed to get some rest, OP Thanks

MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2018 07:13

Hope you’ve got a little sleep.

I agree with his response saying he wouldn’t have shown you the messages being off.

It could be worth messaging her and earnestly asking if she could send you a screen shot.

It’s also possible she’s not in the slightest bit interested. She could have been friendly and he read into it too much. He claims she said “No”. She might be willing to help.

DarthNigel · 05/01/2018 07:19

I'd actually find the 'it's a song lyric we both like' an added hurt in lots of ways... 'their' song is it? Well then they haven't just been chatting about the weather have they?

When I found out my exh was having what he claims was just an emotional affair with my best friend (for a year and half before I found out) I obviously mentally replayed all the conversations I had had with him and with her during that time. One that stuck out was him saying to me 'we don't play each other new songs anymore like we used to'. I'd thought It was odd at the time as I'd recently got him tickets to see a new band I knew he'd love etc, all normal from me. What he actually meant was he didn't talk abut music as much with her anymore because he was doing it with her instead! When it came out and they were trying to minimise it she said 'we mostly just message about music'...then her husband sent me the messages he has screen shifted from her phone which were pics of her in her underwear... so an example of how the jigsaw of it all falls into place over the weeks, and the drip feeding they do.
To me that's as hurtful as the thing in the first place. The lies once they have already been caught-it just prolongs the agony for the person who is hurt already.

A man who is deleting messages and passwords has more to hide and isn't planning on telling the truth when you look at it logically. Does he seem upset that you know at all or is he just saying it was nothing, you will take it wrong etc? Next up is, 'you weren't paying enough attention to me, our marriage has been dead for a while, I haven't been happy'...that's the usual line...

I'm so sorry op. There is no pain like it. It will take some getting over. but you can do it, I promise, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 07:21

@Inarightpickleandchutney

I was up too because I cannot sleep properly and my DC were up too because my STBX had an affair and wrecked our lives.

Jessybear90 · 05/01/2018 07:23

Morning OP. Did you manage to get some sleep?

You know what really breaks my heart about this? Is the fact that not only did he contact this OW to meet him, seems like he put up a good fight to meet her, even after she had refused. Sounds as though he was pretty determined.

Complete and utter lack of respect for you and your family. I'm so sorry, this is so beyond cruel Flowers