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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did my boyfriend rape me?

457 replies

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:17

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

OP posts:
DoinItForTheKids · 06/01/2018 10:55

Not consent if you 'didn't want to'. It's avoidance of further physical violence or a prolonged incident by doing nothing; it's not consenting (just to be picky). She didn't consent anyway, he forced his penis in her without a condom - which he already knew was against her wishes.

I totally agree with the broken record advice - it's a great technique to stop you getting wound up by dumb people's idiotic comments, whilst still standing your ground.

Mxyzptlk · 06/01/2018 11:05

Don't talk about it with your friend's mum, and tell your friend not to discuss you with her mum.

sugaredstrawberries · 06/01/2018 11:26

OP, if you don't mind me asking, where do you live? Because if your not to far away your more than welcome to stay with me for a while. I can't believe your friends Mum would be so cruel. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

Slanetylor · 06/01/2018 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littletinyme1 · 06/01/2018 11:43

the main point here is that
you are safe now
You never return to this vile man
You understand that you deserve a much better relationship with a man who loves you
You should not be told nasty and derogatory things. Having said that, i had to look Lena Durham up and i think she is beautiful! Good for you if you have a body like hers.
You cannot control what other people think ie friends mother-she is wrong. End of.
You need to accept that knickers or no knickers this is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. He did.
You have been amazing and will be stronger as you come through this terrible time
Find somewhere safe to live, away from the control of no hopers like this man
Decide what kind of man you want to be with. If you find they are not good enough, bin them. Very few men are as vile as this.

Only YOU will make the decision to go to the police or not. Despite what other MNetters say, that is your decision only.You need to do what is right for you. If you decide you do not want to go to the police, then do not go.

Angelacarter · 06/01/2018 12:09

Wow.. your friends mum is a bitch . Ypu coukd be COMPETLY NAKED and he have no right to do what he did. Your chances with the police don't change because yiu thought you could trust someone and it was a drunken one off. If anything he's off worse now cos he can't use "I was drunk" x don't blame yourself at all x

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 06/01/2018 13:55

Hi all. Yes living with friends mother is going to be difficult. She's not a bad person but she doesn't understand that just because you think something doesn't mean you have to say it. She never really liked me being friends with her daughter. Remember that girl at school who looked and smelt like she slept in a dog basket. That was me. I was severely neglected. And my friend was kind enough to be nice to me. And I'm grateful for that.
But going to check out my room and having her make me bend over in front of her while she tugged my shirt and poked me in the arse was really humiliating and brought back the feelings of shame and guilt that I'm trying to get past.

OP posts:
cherriXOXO · 06/01/2018 13:57

I've just read the whole thread and it's really touched me and am in years. Jaqui you didn't ask for or deserve ANY of this, he saw your vulnerability and swooped in to take full advantage. The things hes said and his actions are absolutely vile and are not coming from a loving, caring place.

Well done for getting away, as I'm certain he will just continue to treat you like shit, probably stepping it up actually now.

The mum of your friend is NOT a good person for you to be around right now, making comments about your clothes is irrelevant and very rude of her, and her making you reenact the rape is shocking and disgusting. Sorry to say but she is also behaving in an abusive way to you. I'm just thinking surely a Women's Aid shelter would be a better environment for you, they will treat you with the respect you deserve and need there.

cherriXOXO · 06/01/2018 13:57

Oops that should be in tears not years.

swampytiggaa · 06/01/2018 14:11

Sorry to read this but you have been very brave to leave x

And next time your friends mom says anything about your knickers or nighty try to remember to calmly ask her why she is so desperate to defend a drunken rapist. Then stay quiet and see if she has any reply.

Lots of love and support from me to you x

imyourgirl · 06/01/2018 14:19

I just saw this on fb and thought it was appropriate.

Did my boyfriend rape me?
freshstart24 · 06/01/2018 14:26

You've been brace and wise- well done OP, you need to be proud of yourself.

Please be careful not to get influenced by your friend's mum- she is completely wrong and sees this in a warped way.

Keep taking to people who understand- and stick to your guns.

UnicornSparkles1 · 06/01/2018 21:03

Hope you're okay Jaqui and that you're safe x

Mxyzptlk · 06/01/2018 21:09

If your friend's mum really made you do that, she is not someone you should have anything to do with.
If she mentions anything else about what happened, tell her you don't want to talk about it.
I hope the counsellor lady was helpful to you.

Ellendegeneres · 06/01/2018 22:37

jaqui no! 😢 I actually feel tearful reading your updates.
Sweetheart you’ve gone from living with your rapist to living with a rape apologist. This is awful! Please call women’s aid. You have to get out of there. All the support online won’t help if you’re being told day in day out you had it coming and by him seeing it ‘well, he’s only a man, what do you expect him to do!?’
Fucking hell.
I remember clearly the day my rapist was walking somewhere with me and went off on one because his sister had been sexually assaulted by some guys. Oh he was wild. He could have killed them.
Less than 6months later he was laughing in a park with people about how I was too stupid to know I’d been raped by him repeatedly for months.
These people are some sick twisted fuckers- and the apologists are as bad as those who do it because they make you feel like you’re wrong for how awful you feel- physically and emotionally. They lay the blame on you. That’s what your friends Mum is doing.
Oh god I’m so angry for you right now

BigBaboonBum · 06/01/2018 23:12

He raped you and don’t believe for a second that he doesn’t remember it. If he was sober enough to perform then he was sober enough to remember

Littlechocola · 06/01/2018 23:27

Your friends mum isn’t being nice Jacqui, you’ve gone from one awful situation to another.
I’m glad that you are away from him but you need more. Can you go to your GP?

MarklahMarklah · 06/01/2018 23:42

Your friends mum is talking shite. I sleep naked. That is NOT an invitation to have sex, and my DH knows this. If you did not consent, that's it.
I hope the counselor lady will be helpful, and I hope that you are able to get some more RL support.

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 06/01/2018 23:48

UnicornSparkles and everyone thank you I will update as soon as I can tonight.

OP posts:
Slanetylor · 07/01/2018 01:15

Did you show this thread to your friend?! Perhaps we should all stop saying nasty things about her mother invade it risks your safe haven there!

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 07/01/2018 01:37

Hi all. That was a long day. I'm tired so I hope you understand if I don't always make sense. First off I've moved fully into friends house. As for Him I'm assuming he's back at he house or soon will be probably drunk and will go straight to sleep. I went to see the counselor. My friends mum drove me. Not ideal but my friend works long and odd hours in a big retail warehouse. I had made sure beforehand that I would be wanting to see the counselor alone just incase friends mum decided she was my moral support. You won't be surprised to know that she was keen to be there. I met the counselor for an hour she was an older lady and very nice. It didn't go very well at first because I found it difficult to start and was very emotional. I told her that there had been two incidents and I only wanted to talk about the first in this session. She said that was fine as I was in control. I talked about the first incident but not for very long as I really struggled to speak without snot and tears everywhere. I won't go into detail about the session as I feel it would be inappropriate as she is a professional but I did feel respected and understood. We covered a number of things. I am seeing her again on Monday. The reason I didn't want to talk about the second incident was because friends mums comments about me exposing my bum and fanny really got under my skin. I'm hoping to talk on Monday about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 07/01/2018 01:40

Slane my friend doesn't know it's Mumsnet. I copied the comments to a notepad thing before showing. I said it was a forum for rape victims. You're safe!

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 07/01/2018 01:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeekums · 07/01/2018 01:57

What a horrible situation op

Your getting lots of good advice, just another internet random here to say, not your fault ever, your friends mum is clueless on the topic and i hope the counseling helps

Mxyzptlk · 07/01/2018 02:02

Well done, Jacqui. I'm glad you've had some understanding from the counsellor.
For Monday, would it help to write down what you want to say, then let the counsellor read it?
You're right, we don't need to know the details of your counselling. Definitely don't say too much about that to your friend, either, in case it gets back to her mum.