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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did my boyfriend rape me?

457 replies

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:17

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

OP posts:
sophiepotato · 08/01/2018 09:03

Please please listen to HipNewName's advice, she is completely right.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/01/2018 10:24

Get one of these for the door - please!!!
easy lock
Your friends mum is truly truly horrible.
You discuss what ever you want at your counselling session.
You really need to try to ignore what your friends mum says.
She's basically an arsehole and you need to steer clear.
Start looking for live in jobs.

And please contact Womens Aid and enrole on their Freedom Programme asap!!!
It will help you sooooo much.

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 08/01/2018 10:51

HipNewName thank you for that post. It's makes me grateful I started this thread. There is stuff that will be useful to others not just me. I will look at your points carefully and I am really touched by your genuine concern. HellsBells I will look into the lock. As far as I know there are no locks anywhere in the house. I will talk to friend about the incident later. I'm not looking forward to that conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 08/01/2018 11:03

I hope I don't annoy my friend over this and that I'm not making a fuss. Her mum brought up three daughters. Maybe she thought it was harmless just two women talking.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 08/01/2018 11:09

You aren't her daughter though and she can't assume the same level of intimacy with you as she can with her own children. I know you feel beholden to her for taking you in, but that doesn't mean she gets to walk all over you.

If the worst comes to the worst and she gets the hump and says you have to leave - then you will be homeless and presumably you would then be willing to go to a refuge (although I feel you could do that now).

Kittymum03 · 08/01/2018 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 08/01/2018 18:33

Thanks katlinktim. Kittymum you're probably right. I don't think she's trying to mean. She brought up three great daughters after her husband ran off and put them through college. They're all thin and healthy looking too. I found myself sucking my stomach in when I was around her so standing naked in front of her with everything but my boobs on view was particularly humiliating.
I can't get a live in job unfortunately because I'm trying to get full-time hours in my current position.

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 08/01/2018 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 08/01/2018 22:50

Kittymum thank you. Maybe I made too much of it. I'm feeling delicious right now. I saw the counselor and today. We discussed the first incident which was tough she knows another incident happened after that but I'm not able to talk about it. I see her again on Wednesday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 08/01/2018 23:21

Delicate not delicious. Spellchecker.

OP posts:
Doublevodka · 08/01/2018 23:40

Jaqui, I have just read the whole thread. So sorry for what you have been through. You are brave, amazing and an inspiration. God bless you. X

Slanetylor · 08/01/2018 23:46

Aww I was hoping you were actually feeling delicious! But you will one day soon. Wishing you all the best with your counselling

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 09/01/2018 11:03

Hi all, just an update. He texted me last night. This is the only communication I have had with him since the incidents. He wanted to know where I was and made no mention of what happened. I think he was drunk. I texted back saying his behavior was disgusting and humiliating and I did not want to see him again. There was no reply. He then phoned me. I ended the call and told him it was text only. He then phoned again and again. I think he didn't want to say stuff in writing. I blocked all his calls and that was that. I didn't feel upset or anything. I felt detached. It's in the past.
I met friend for coffee and mentioned the incident with her mother. I'm sorry I did. The poor girl almost died of embarrassment. I told her to just forget about it and it wasn't a big deal. She said the house had never had locks.
I have more counseling tomorrow. I haven't been able to discuss the second incident and might never be able to. I can't express myself the way I can on here.
I have been told I can get full-time hours from March so that's good.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2018 11:07

That is fantastic, good on you for standing strong and being so brave. Nasty piece of work. Oh no your poor friend. Good luck with counselling.

Anniethinggose · 09/01/2018 11:58

Well done Jaqui, I'm blown away by your strength!

shoeaddict83 · 09/01/2018 12:08

Jacqui ive read this from the start and just been lurking but just want to say how amazing your coping. To have stood up to your Ex and blocked him, told your friend about her mum, and gone to counselling you are absolutely doing so well.
Your strength is admirable.
And fantastic news about the job too, hopefully the full time hours will allow you to be able to move somewhere of your own in the near future Smile

Granville72 · 09/01/2018 12:27

If you feel you cannot tell your councillor about the second incident, would maybe showing her your original post on here help for her to read?

Or maybe just writing it down for her?

ToffeeUp · 09/01/2018 13:28

Well done Jacqui and good luck with the counselling.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/01/2018 13:35

If you can't get the words out to your counsellor then take a print out of this thread to her.
She can read through it when she has some time and understand more about what you've been through.
She will be able to help you better if she understands the whole situation.
Could you do that do you think?

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 09/01/2018 15:26

Granville and HellsBellsMelons. Thank you
I'm going to think about what you said. The second incident is hard for me and I pushed a lot of people's patience with it. I haven't been able to read the post since made I'm worried it might be too graphic or make me look too pathetic. I'm going to think about what you said. X

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 09/01/2018 15:45

I think it will be therapeutic to talk about it even though it is really hard. It helps to process it. Just remember you were in a difficult situation, in shock from the previous experience, scared, confused. He abused his power over you. You need to stop blaming yourself over this and the counselling will help you to do this.

NettleTea · 09/01/2018 15:45

Jaqui you are great. Ive just read this whole thread and you are strong with your instincts spot on even with the anxiety you have.
from my point of view the second incident is certainly not your fault at all. You were sleeping in what you have always slept in - its not as if you put something on with an eye to tease and take away as a punishment or anything, it just wouldnt occur to you that it wouldnt be fine.
As others say - some people sleep naked. Some people sleep in PJs, what you are wearing and what he can see or not see is absolutely nothing to do with it.
And you were in bed. you were not enthusiastically consenting - you were upset, tired and probably still frightened about what had happened the night before. You were most likely frightened to say No to sex so you did what you felt you had to do in order to try to keep yourself safe. You made a deal where you could be in control. What he did, he did on purpose. I think he was punishing you for challenging him from the night before, because he know 100% what he did the night before, and because he was trampling your boundaries, and this was supposed to put you right back in your place. You had believed him when he said he hadnt remembered, you trusted him. That is not your fault. Most people would give someone they loved a second chance.
The decision to do what he did was 100% on him. The sex was non consensual because 1. it was coerced ('no' was not an option) and 2. you specified consent was granted IF he wore a condom,

This mother of your friend. she is also trampling over boundaries. She should give you privacy. she should NOT be walking into your room when you are naked, nor making comments about your body. And she has no right to know what you discuss in therapy - it is confidential and private. The therapist doesnt go home and have a chat with her partner about everyone who came in.

DotCottonDotCom · 09/01/2018 15:46

The second incident is hard for me and I pushed a lot of people's patience with it

No you didn’t honey, it was just a select few who just don’t engage brains!

You are not pathetic, you’ve done great!

littletinyme1 · 09/01/2018 16:26

OP no one on here believes you were to blame for either incident. Not only is that the view of lots of us, it is the law too. The counsellor is there to help you and it would be most helpful for you to talk about the second incident so the counsellor knows everything and is able to help you.
Like someone else said, you did not do anything unusual to entice him or tease him (although even if you had would not mean you deserve to be raped). You are a woman and the only time anyone should have sex with you is if you say yes. You get to state the circumstances- with condom or without condom. You made yourself clear to this man. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

If it feels better, tell the counsellor about what he did the next night, but don't say anything about knickers. I genuinely believe the counsellor will say what all the MNetters have said.

NotBeingOuted · 09/01/2018 18:14

You’re doing so well.
You weren’t to blame for either rape, or the assaults on the past. Domestic abuse and rape in a relationship happens over months, as the police still take it seriously.

Printing out what you’ve written on here for your councillor to read will help. People wrote things all the time they can’t say out loud. Well don’t fkr telling your friend too.

Take your ex-partners only wanting to talk by phone as a sure sign he knows exactly what he did and he wants to continue doing that to you back under his control.

You have a whole brand new life waiting for you, and in the future when you are ready for it, a partner who only wants to have sex with you when they know you are enjoying it too. Sex is mutual and you’ll have that in the future.