Did my boyfriend rape me?

[Jaquithefirst]

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

Are you going to report ex to police

Chapman I don't know. I need to get my story straight.

Story straight?
It isn't a story is it? It's what actually happened?
For the police to get any dna of his from your body you need to act soon or you'll loose evidence

What I did the second time I think I ruined my chances with the police.

Kittymum my friends mum is kind is kind in letting me stay yes but she is really messing with my head. She started on the knickers thing but you people got me past that. I was sitting on the bed earlier that I am going to be sleeping in and she just walked in (no locks) and asked what I was wearing the second time I said one of my couch to 5k shirts. She said like you're wearing now. I said yes (I was wearing one). She tugged the front of it and said 'that barely covers your fanny'. As I was on the bed she made me go through the motions of turning round to put the box of condoms back on the cabinet beside the bed. She tugged on the back of my shirt and said 'that goes halfway up your back you exposed you bottom and vagina to him when you turned around.' I didn't know what to say.

So first people make you worry about your knickerless state, and then have a go about your nightie.

Let us be clear. You could run down the high street naked apart from fluffy handcuffs and a blindfold, and you would still only be raped if there was a rapist there. You would still have the absolute right to not be subjected to non-consensual sex. This sex was absolutely non-consensual. He raped you.

And it was not your fault. It is not your fault. It is absolutely 100% his fault. It is the rapist's fault.

What in the hell is wrong with this woman?? Who bloody cares if you exposed anything. Exposing does not equal a good excuse to rape someone! He RAPED you. YOU did nothing wrong. Tell her that next time!!

Don’t let her mess with your head. Prop something up against the door if you’re worried about her coming into the room again. I’ll say it again:

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

It was his choice to rape you when you asked him to wear a condom. It would never had entered any decent mans head to rape you. Men are not dogs, they are capable of self restraint.

100% not your fault,

Regardless of how you were dressed perhaps she can focus on the fact that he removed the condom without telling you & against your expressed wishes

So sorry this has happened to you, whether you report it or not (and I think you should) I am glad you have left him. Stay strong.

I'm glad to hear you have somewhere safe to live just now as you could no longer live in those circumstances. Don't worry so much about what your friends mum is saying, seeking professional advice & counseling will provide the best advice as they know the laws around what you have suffered and will guide you best.

Someone posted earlier that the way you partner abused you is known as "stealthing", and posted a link to a wiki page. Lower down the page there was a link to another page which I think sums up what has happened to you.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removal

I'm not surprised to hear that he is out drinking with his mates, this shows how important you are and mean to him. I'm sure he knows exactly what he has been doing to you and he knows there is no way back or he would have been begging you to forgive him.

I don't think its wise to carry on contacting or responding to his messages until you have sought legal advice.

Stay safe.

Can you not go to your housing association?

You've been through an ordeal, OP. You need a safe place now and that isn't with this woman. What on earth is she getting out of this? Who in their right mind makes a rape victim reenact their attack? Then makes stupid irrelevant comments?
You don't owe her the level of detail you're giving her. It's none of her business.

Faroutbrussel I have explained to her that he removed the condom and ejaculated inside me but she just said that your bottom and vagina was on display because your couch to 15k was halfway up your back. I don't know how to explain to this woman.

I'm stuck with her until I can get full-time hours and my own place

You really have to tell this woman to leave you alone. It isn't her business at all, who does she think she is?? Your friend should protect you from her. Why did she tell her mother anyway?

Your clothes and behaviour make no difference you were explicit in what you were consenting to the fact he ignored you is on him

I could walk down the road naked it would not give anyone the right to touch me or have sex with me

Well done for leaving this dreadful situation, it is clear he neither loves or respects you, I am afraid one toxic situation has been replaced with another. Wtf is your friends mum on! She sounds as nasty and toxic as hell, really you need out of there ASAP! Women hostel, refuge. Go to council on Monday and declare yiurself homeless. Anything is better than this! Also delete and block your ex, stop replying to him. Go to the Police if you haven't been yet. Massive hugs💐💐💐

You know, the thing is both morally and legally you can put your bottom and vagina wherever you want (within reason obviously!) and with whatever you want on it and no one has the right to stick anything you don't want in either of them.

No one is entitled to have sex with you for any reason or in any manner you don't want.

End of.

I get she's being kind by letting you stay but she's a vile woman. She may have reasons for that but none of them help or matter to you just now - just that she is wrong.

OP I have been reading your thread and what’s happened to you has reminded me of a case a few years back where judges ruled that a man can be convicted of rape despite the sex being originally consensual.

I hope the following link is helpful, (but I apologise in advance if causes you any distress):

metro.co.uk/2013/04/24/sex-with-consent-can-still-be-rape-3665975/

The case was about withdrawal as a method of contraception but I think the principle is the same. The terms of your relationship with this man are that you only have (consensual) sex and that a condom must be used.

That means you can consent to sex as many time as you like, knickers or no knickers, nightie or no nightie, but if he does not wear a condom, knowing that you want him to, this is a violation of your terms and negates any original consent given.

In the first case he outrightly forced you, in the second, at best, I would say he manipulated the situation so he could have (force) sex without a condom. In fact, he probably did outrightly force you, as you said he grabbed your stomach.

In both cases he has violated the terms which has caused you great distress and no doubt a lot of pain. You do not deserve to be treated like this, and none of this is your fault. Please remember that.

He has said some disgusting things about you and your body and I can only assume that deep down he must hate himself. What a pathetic individual he is.

Im glad you’ve left and and are at your friends. Do ignore the antiquated mother, and give her very little information from now on about what happened. She shouldn’t have come into your room and made you re-enact the scene. Again, you don’t deserve to be treated like that either. Look after yourself, and remember that none of this, not one bit at all, is your fault.

Ask your friend’s mum to watch the cup of tea analogy video.
As so many others have said it really doesn’t matter what you were wearing. Trouble is she’s of my generation - we were indoctrinated with how much we would be to blame if anything we wore or did meant we were ‘asking for it’.

this woman is an idiot. for your own preservation i think you have to say 'i'm sorry, i can't talk about this anymore.' and don't. she lacks sensitivity and is victim blaming. he knew what he was doing. it doesn't matter what was covering your fanny or what you were wearing, or where you put your bum. he knew very well the conditions under which you would have sex and violated them. this is what julian assange was accused of - having unprotected sex with someone without her consent.

Wow.
That woman is weird.
So I'm in bed now totally naked.
If I had a BF and he saw my bum or vagina, does that mean he gets to have sex with me?
No.
She doesn't understand stealth rape.
She doesn't need to.
You know and that is all that matters.
If she asks anything again please tell her that you don't want to discuss it with her.
Well done op on getting out.
Good luck later today.

Well done Jaqui. You’ve been incredibly brave

I think I would use ‘broken record’ technique with your friend’s Mum until she gets the hint. This means you use the same phrase over and over. Every time she tries to put this back on you, you use the same phrase like I am not responsible for his actions. I did nothing wrong. Any time she says anything you say this. It’s true!

I wonder if the second time you consented to sex because you were scared if you didn’t, he’d force you to? It sounds like a protective thing. Better to consent even if you didn’t want to than have him rape you again?

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you get the support you need.