Did my boyfriend rape me?

[Jaquithefirst]

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

Writing stuff down is a great idea. I'm tired these days and and can hardly string a sentence together.

The reason I didn't want to talk about the second incident was because friends mums comments about me exposing my bum and fanny really got under my skin.

Your friends Mum is talking rubbish. Please ignore her. I sleep naked next to my DH every night with my "bum and fanny" exposed. He has never raped me and if he had done what your BF had done it would be wrong, despite my nakedness. Do not listen to her, this is not your fault!!

I hate wearing knickers at night, it makes me feel so sweaty (I'm having hot flushes as well now!) Why should I?? My DH lies next to me as well and doesn't feel entitled to touch me when I'm asleep. He raped you, end of.

Hi all. Text from him saying he'll be in around tea time. Just a few texts no questions about me or how I am. He doesn't know I've gone.
Living with friends mum isn't going to be easy but until I can get full-time hours at my job (which I think I can) I'm stuck with her.
I can't react to her badly because I need to be under her roof for now. I will ask the counselor about rape charities and accommodation options but the thought of taking a
room that could be taken by a woman who may have been through years of this bothers when I have a (not perfect) place to stay.
My room doesn't have locks on it and she is happy to walk in anytime. After the meeting yesterday she sat on the bed and grilled me. I was able to fob her off by telling her it the first meeting and we covered the structure of future meetings. Later when she knew I was just out of the shower she walked right in on me when I was standing completely naked. I got to cross my arms over my boobs and that's it. She sat on the bed without any apology and and pointed to my snake tattoo on my left thigh. What's that she asked. I told her. She laughed and said it looked more like a giant question mark. This got me a bit teary but fortunately the door rang and she left.

I haven't posted yet but I have been reading your thread I feel so frustrated and angry in your behalf. You've been so wonderfully brace; sought counselling and moved out- and this woman is not respecting your privacy at all!
I want to encourage you to keep going. I admire your strength xx

She is such a toxic woman, she's actually abusing you as well. Please don't feel that you're in less need for support from rape charities than another woman, staying where you are could be very damaging to your mental health. You need to go somewhere where you feel safe.

You need to get away from that woman.
While you are there, you need to make sure there is no opportunity for her to do those sort of things. Eg always get changed inside the locked bathroom.

Don't tell her anything about what's said in your counselling. Tell her the counsellor told you not to talk about what happens in the visits.

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through.

You are not a nuisance, hard work, difficult, or any other words that people have used about you.

The woman you are living with has no boundaries. You need to protect yourself by us8ng the bathroom to change in or putting a chair against your bedroom door. Say the counsellor told you to, to help you feel safe. You don't need to be confrontational with her, just tune her out.

I'm glad your friend has helped you organise counselling and MAP.

Keep up with the counselling. The way you talk about yourself suggest that you need it to help you grow into a strong, independent person who won't get taken advantage of. You deserve better.

I agree with Lizzie your friends mum is also abusive and abusing you.

You need to delete and block his number op, why have you still got that on yiur phone! Also yiu need to get away from your friends toxic mum. Start looking at accommodation. Did you reply to your hopefully ex boyfriend! Did you tell him it's over? What are you doing about that?

Perhaps you could mention your friend's Mum's treatment of you (ie walking in on you when you were naked and STAYING in the room, making you re-enact something from your rape, being judgemental about what you were wearing - in your OWN bedroom etc). I think her behaviour is questionable too.

This woman is horrible and abusive!

I hope you can get away from her and get your own place. Does your friend know how she is treating you?

I agree you need to get away from that woman. Sorry if it has already been covered but where is your mum? Shouldn't you be staying with her or someone else who is going to treat you with some love and kisses kindness fgs.

Love and kindness

Aeroflot I understand your frustration but I have not texted him since yesterday. I assume he was back last night and has noticed I'm gone. I don't want to block him because I'm he might overreact and try and find me or something. I'm out of there and that's the main thing. To the person who asked my mum is no longer in the picture.

why don't you get a wedge to put under the door when you are in your room?

I understand being where you are is useful right now, but it is really nasty of her to be so disreapectful so rather than confronting her just put the wedge under the door so she cannot walk straight in.

Lock the bathroom door at all times and dress in there too. She is for some reason undermining you.

BTW you are doning amazingly ...keep going!

When I read your story half of me thought maybe she will put up with this and stay!!!! I've been on tenderhooks hoping you'd run screaming and you did!! You got out from this abusive man! Well done you! I'm so so proud and happy. This woman is horrible to say the very least. But it's a stepping stone to a happy life! So keep stepping!

Excellent that you have got away from this abusive man, Jaqui! You are brave and decisive.

Your friend's mum is toxic, though. It's kind that they are giving you somewhere to stay, but the mum has no sense of boundary. It is so harmful. She possibly has her own issues. Please don't feel obliged to share anything with her. As pps have suggested, if pressed, tell her your counsellor has advised you not to discuss it with anyone. (I'm sure your counsellor would give this advice anyway, if you told her what was going on!) And it's good advice to get a wedge for the door, or stick a chair in front of it, and change in the bathroom. Tell her nothing, and don't give her any opportunity to be an emotional vampire.

And please find somewhere away from your friend's mum as fast as you can.

jaquith, yes that is great of course it is. He will find out eventually you have left him. Yiu need to go to Womans Aid and get advice, restraining order against him.

I worry for you when he does find you
This guy sounds like he will come and find you and he thinks your his
You have betrayed him
In his eyes
Attack number three is imminent
You need a restraining order
You need to report him

I worry when he finds you that stupid woman will let him in and allow him to take you. Please get away OP.

Please do not think that you not wearing underwear in bed led him on.

It is totally normal not to wear underwear in bed and not be assaulted by a partner. Please, please remember this and ignore your friend's mum's opinion which is clearly warped.

You haven't asked for any of this. You deserve better and your friends l's mum sounds bizarre / misinformed. Please look after yourself.

Hi all. Thanks for your concern and your advice. My friend's house is way on the other side of town. My workplace is very public and not the sort of place you can cause a fuss. I can't say he won't be a problem in the future but right now I want to focus on my living arrangements and the counseling. The incident with friends mother and my privacy made me very anxious and I'm thinking a lot about that.

the thought of taking a room that could be taken by a woman who may have been through years of this bothers

Please take a room at a crises center. There are several good things about it:

1. You will be safe. You aren't safe right now. The woman you are living with is not safe person. She is abusing you. Please tell your counselor.

1. You will be around people who understand that you have been through trauma and know how to treat you with respect and help you get your dignity back. This is, much, much better for you.

1. You will be safe. This is so important. I think that you may have spent so much of your life not safe that you've gotten use to it. I suspect that this is one of the few things that everyone on Mumsnet can agree on: Jaquithefirst being SAFE is very, very important.

1. You'll have greater assistance getting finding a more permanent place of your own. You'll be own your own 2 feet more quickly. Don't feel bad about needing a little help with this. Most people do. (Most get it from a parent). It is perfectly fine to get this help from others.

1. You'll be safe.

1. Your ex is a scary person who doesn't respect you, and his behavior could escalate. If it does, you need to be in the safest place you can be.

Wow am learning things as well. Did not know re stealthing. Jacqui hope you ok. I think positive that you are able to clearly explain it on here, get support and get counselling so soon. Great everyone being so supportive.