Wife doesn't want to have sex anymore but wants to stay together

[Valdo77]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 2 kids (7 & nearly 2) and wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 40, she's 37, married 14 years together 19) because hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time (she does regularly orgasm through foreplay but has relied on her imagination) and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

But sex aside, we have a good life and enjoy being with each other. And we have 2 amazing kids. So, she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex.

So we'll share a bed (sleep naked), cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

I can cope with this for a while, truth be told it is huge relief for her to have finally unburdened herself and least I know why she has been the way she has been in this dept. It will be nice to be together for a bit without sex being a consideration.

We've agreed to at least to do this for a few months, maybe taking sex out of the equation can allow us to connect better emotionally and then after that...

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier on myself NOT to be sleeping naked next to her, NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

While she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months that isn't something I can contemplate. I am happy to spend these few months to not make any hasty decisions and see if we can try and work some things out and see if sex could be an option in the future but it can't drag on.

In the short term she has said she would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship. She says she feels she has deprived me of great sex and that she is asking a lot of me for a few months. I don't want to - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her, wouldn't I?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just pull off the plaster in one foul swoop?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Thanks for reading, just typing it has some therapeutic benefit.

Just a thought but why don’t you go and read the thread AIBU to not want sex with DH anymore. Might give a different perspective.

I'm with Offred and HeddaGabbler here. I feel the tone of the OP and some of his comments indicate a rather patronising and single minded view of his wife and their sex life. Or rather his sex life.
He knows that his wife has not fully enjoyed the sex they have had for years and now discovers that she is so not enjoying it that she is ready to state that she is happy never to have sex again. However rather than feel terrible about her lack of enjoyment and his selfishness it appears that his concerns are more about whether he can live with her in a sexless marriage.
She's been living in an unfulfilling marriage for years!
That comment that she comes during 'foreplay' that Offred highlighted, that is so revealing about an (your) attitude to female sexuality. As Offred said what to you is the preamble to your all important orgasm is her main event. How would you feel if you only orgasmed now and then as part of your wife's sexual path to orgasm. Stimulating you a bit was 'foreplay'

Here's a radical thought. Why don't you concentrate on learning about your wife. Not just sexually but for part of it, yes why not put your sexual wants aside completely, no orgasm for you and start creating an atmosphere, a context in which she finds enjoyment.
Or buy her a really beautiful, expensive vibrator.

Agreed, lambside. What has also struck me at this point, so I reread the OP (and may have missed it in an update) is that from what op said, this 'arrangement' ie no sex, has only really just started, and they have agreed to it for a few months. DW suggested it might last longer, but op is already anticipating a dead marriage for the rest of time (although every other aspect is good, and it's obvious DW will have sex with him when she's not into it much, as she has been for years). So, along with a lack of understanding, there's v little patience in evidence, which would get my back up if I were DW. As well as op now going on about how unfulfilling the previous sex was... Can't help thinking this mindset is going to set the future relationship up for failure, as he tried to encourage DW in things she obviously had little interest in (toys/role play etc) and totally misses the point that something in their relationship has caused this feeling years back. She may not even know herself why she feels like this.
I really hope my dh would have more understanding and patience. I'm sure I'd give him more than a few months if he had a problem, before I talked about leaving or similar!

Lambside

Therefore it is not wrong of the OP to assert that it's unlikely she will ever want sex again. It's not wrong of her husband to be upset about that

This is what you wrote on the similar thread that's from a woman's perspective currently in AIBU. Why isn't the OP here allowed to be upset? Or is he not upset in the right way in your interpretation which isn't the way many others have interpreted it?

Haven’t read the other thread but possibly because when someone has continued to have sex with someone who isnt keen for a decade and their only thought is ‘she isn’t enthusiastic enough’ they kind of negate any possible sympathy.

I'm sorry, but aged 37 and no interest in having sex with a 40yo H, the DW has to recognise that this is the death of their marriage?

she has 'left' him without leaving him.

Life is too short, but at the same time FAR too long to live a life where you aren't happy.

I'm sorry, but aged 37 and no interest in having sex with a 40yo H, the DW has to recognise that this is the death of their marriage?

^...^Absolutely.

People delude themselves sometimes. A guy I know was in a sexless marriage for 11 years ... his wife wasn't interested in it .. then when he left her for another woman, she acted or she was apparently blindsided. I did tell him it was because it went on for so long...he was just waiting for the kids to grow up.

Surely she should have spoken up before now, but why not blame the man eh.

it works both ways too Sandy, if a bloke isn't interested in sex with his wife it has awful consequences for her self-esteem too. I know a friend whose H has apparently no interest in sex. I have no idea if he's uninterested in sex generally or sex with her, there's no way of knowing. I do know though that she's desperately sad and lonely. It's making her feel dreadful about herself and her life.

a marriage is a consenting relationship between 2 adults, when one of them changes the nature of that partnership it may result in it's dissolution.

I also think it's an awful example to set to kids. it's important that they see affection and love between partners, or how will they know its importance in their own relationships?

All that is true and I said further up the thread she is trying to tell him the relationship is over.

However, I see sandy is skirting around the fact that in his own words he admits he has been having sex with his wife for almost a decade despite knowing she wasn’t enjoying it.

So, yes, he is to blame for that. People shouldn’t have sex with people who don’t really want to have sex with them.

I'm sorry OP but I think the marriage you thought you had doesn't exist. And isn't likely to - ever.

Your DW has no interest in sex (with you at any rate) and hasn't had for quite some time. If this lack of interest coincided with having children, that could explain it. But it doesn't.

You have to decide if a lifetime of no sex with your wife is a deal breaker or not. You won't "change her mind" because you are totally incompatible sexually.

You can only decide if your home, family, companionship etc is enough. Or leave, while you're still young enough to start over.

You seem to be able to talk frankly to each other, so make up your mind what you want and then tell her, frankly, what YOU want.

Having sex with someone who doesn’t enjoy it is a world away from having sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex.

She was consenting, but not entirely enthusiastic or keen.

The marriage op signed up for is no more, that’s not his fault, he hasn’t changed the rules, she has.

For everything action/decision to change things, there’s a reaction/consequence.

Op himself has said that he wished she’d said about this before, and none of us know her side or why she has chosen this path, but to assume someone is just going to accept decades of no sex is utterly deluded.

However, I see sandy is skirting around the fact that in his own words he admits he has been having sex with his wife for almost a decade despite knowing she wasn’t enjoying it.

Why don't you cut and paste the part of the OP's posts from which you've come to this bullshit conclusion?

If you are still reading Ignore some of the responses.

Lets face it When a women posts on MN that her husband doesnt want sex to do think that Offred or Graphista or any poster says
‘Have you considered that you might be crap in bed?’

Give it 6-12 months and see what happens. Only your wife can tell you whats really going on and it will probably be a comination of multiple things. Human sexuality is rarely straightforward and a lot of people feel very awkward talking about it.

Good luck!

It’s in the very first post.

There is research into women’s sexual satisfaction. It found heterosexual women have less satisfying sex. I’m not pulling stuff out of my arse.

Some people are simply just so keen to appear not to be sexist that they seem to forget that men and women have different biology and therefore different experiences of heterosexual sex.

And I said upthread, i think she is trying to tell him it is over.

I don’t see where anyone has said anyone ‘should accept decades and decades of no sex’ but let’s get things clear about this situation.

They have been having sex regularly, for nearly a decade she hasn’t enjoyed it (whichever phrasing you find better 🙄), what he has done about that thus far is buy toys/suggest role play and have frank talks about how her lack of participation makes him feel, she’s now said she doesn’t want to have sex anymore and suggested he ‘goes elsewhere’. IMO what she is trying to say is she feels it is over but she can’t bring herself to say that.

It’s in the very first post.

Which bit? Which part of the OP says he's been having sex with her despite him knowing she wasn't enjoying it? He's found this out now.

There is research into women’s sexual satisfaction. It found heterosexual women have less satisfying sex. I’m not pulling stuff out of my arse.

And? How is the research relevant here?

and have frank talks about how her lack of participation makes him feel,

The OP states they've had frank talks. He doesn't say they've had frank talks about how it makes him feel. He doesn't say this is all they've talked about, him, him, him. You've decided that yourself.

Essentially you've interpreted the OP's posts how you want to see them and offered an unfair critical opinion based on your formed views rather than fact as stated.

My husband went through a period of not wanting to have sex with me. I probably was the sex pest in our situation. I became obsessed with buying sexy lingerie and toys. I offered anal sex. Anything to get him interested for 4 years. All I got back time and time again was that he was not attracted to me. Like the OPs DW he wanted to cuddle and be affectionate on his terms. It was humiliating.

It made me vulnerable. All I could talk about with my friends was my terrible sex life. I am in my thirties, a size 10 and not bad looking after 3 kids. I decided not to be miserable after 4 years of no sex and started going out more. One of our younger friends started texting me and being attentive. Only then did DH decide he could cope with sex after all.

Its caused a lot if damage to me. My confidence is shot to bits from all the time I was told "normal" women didn't want sex.

I dont know what the answer is. Hang in there if you love her but you may never recover from it.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

It’s not me reading into it that her not enjoying sex is him him him, it’s him writing that it is him him him.

The research is relevant because it backs up that what he himself has said about his problem (her not enjoying sex) is a common problem for women in heterosexual relationships.

And the whole point I have been making throughout is that a decade of not enjoying sex but having it regularly anyway, combined with a partner grumbling about ‘lack of pro activity’ etc etc and having ‘an undercurrent’ and buying sex toys/suggesting role play, well it is likely to have entirely killed her libido in this relationship.

She may be confused about the reasons. Women are often given messages about wifely duty and to not be concerned about their own enjoyment.

it’s him writing that it is him him him.

But it isn't. That's your interpretation. From what he's written it's left an undercurrent between them. He's written two lines on how that particular issue has made him feel. Don't you think it's fair that in reflecting on a particular problem in an OP that it should mention at least something about how it's made the OP (any OP) feel? You've decided that that means it's him, him, him. Many others haven't. Why do you see that in that post?

The research isn't relevant. How does the fact his DW might be one of those women help the OP?

buying sex toys/suggesting role play

You keep fixating on this. Don't you think that in the course of a 19 year relationship it's perfectly reasonable for these ideas to be mentioned? For all we know the OP may have suggested getting a Rabbit vibrator once while watching Charlotte use one in a repeat of SATC. He may have jokingly suggested dressing up while watching something else. What we don't know, is what you're implying, is that he's been "pestering" her about it.

well it is likely to have entirely killed her libido in this relationship.

I think this is the crux. Basically, it's his fault, no matter what. And that's why I find your posts so annoying/borderline offensive. You've completely dismissed the possibility that it might be all or partly her fault and have put it all on him, based purely on your own interpretation of limited words.

And the reason I am still going on about it is I'm hoping the OP is still checking in as I would hope he would realise that the criticism he has received from you and others hasn't gone unchallenged and he does have a legitimate grievance that deserves discussion and advice, and he didn't deserve to be shunted off his own thread because of made up theories about his relationship.

But it isn't. That's your interpretation.
It is all written about him, just about. The only thing he really said about his wife is that she doesn't want sex and it's not her hormones/little kids etc. No real efforts to find out what the reason is though, as far as I remember. Just criticism of her contribution, when it turns out she was still giving him what he wanted even though she didn't particularly feel like it herself. Then pushing the matter by criticizing to her face and trying to introduce things she has no interest in. Oblivious.

I’m not implying he was pestering. I am directly accusing him of not being concerned enough (about her) that his wife hasn’t been enjoying sex with him for nearly a decade and criticising him for the ways he chose to approach knowing that for all that time.

The reason I haven’t mentioned her contribution to this issue is because it is him that has posted. It isn’t her and given the above I don’t think it wise to add more potential for him to feel resentful as if (incredibly unlikely as it seems to me to be) there is going to be a happy resolution to this it is absolutely necessary that they learn to communicate kindly and sensitively towards each other.

The research is relevant and helpful because it potentially gives the OP some understanding that this is an actual thing, and it could be the reason which may give him either potential routes back to a healthy relationship with his wife or things to note for building a new healthy relationship with someone else if they break up.

What I am reading in the OP is;

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject (the subject of her failure to be sufficiently interested in sex) as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent (his feelings about her lack of sufficient interest causing an atmosphere) as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

I think it is very clear and TBH I am struggling to see why you don’t understand that. The only thing I can see that makes sense really is that as soon as one of the regular posters who has a bee in their bonnet about ‘This thread would be so different if it was posted by a woman’ (well yeah, there are biological differences between men and women that make their experiences of heterosexual sex different) it derails the thread massively and no-one can really discuss anything in between the defensiveness.

No real efforts to find out what the reason is though, as far as I remember.

The OP has listed multiple things that his wife has said it's not. They're listed in his posts. His wife has said she doesn't want to have sex with him. Don't you think he's asked why?

Just criticism of her contribution

I think if she hasn't been willing to address the problem then that deserves criticism.

when it turns out she was still giving him what he wanted even though she didn't particularly feel like it herself

Or alternatively this could be viewed as he's just found out she's been lying to him for 10 years and he's upset that she felt this way and he's been trying things that were never going to work and if he'd had known he'd had laid off.

Then pushing the matter by criticizing to her face
By this you mean that in their discussions he's been critical of her? Is that not allowed? Was it not allowed in the past? If she's misled him into thinking sex was an important part of the relationship but wasn't doing anything about it, is that above criticism? If, now the truth is out and sex is not an important part of the relationship and she's withheld this important information until now, is that also above criticism? Look at the OP's post on page 3. He loves her, respects her and wants to work things out. How can you say he's oblivious to her needs?

trying to introduce things she has no interest in

How the FUCK is he meant to know she's not interested in it if he doesn't suggest it?! You're another one who seems to think that the OP suggesting a few things "exotic" over the course of their 19 year relationship is somehow a sign he's "oblivious" to her needs.

Having regular sex with someone for nearly a decade when you know for all that time they haven’t been enjoying it is not particularly respectful.

knowing that for all that time.

But he didn't know for all that time did he?

You see, you've interpreted that paragraph differently to me and many others.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

To me this paragraph reads as "I'm married to someone who doesn't want to work on an important part of our (most) relationship(s). I feel sad and angry that my wife doesn't seem to fancy me. 'Manifest generally' means it's always there as a root problem in our relationship".

I think you're struggling to understand because you're so narrow minded you can't accept the possibility that the OP could be interpreted differently to you. It doesn't even matter whose interpretation is correct. But it matters that neither is for certain and as a result I think the painting of the OP as the villain based on your interpretation is inappropriate.

And like I said, it's important for the crux of the thread, not to derail it with "if this was a woman it would different" theme, but to point out to the OP that his words aren't always going to be twisted to fit the preconceived views of posters.

I am directly accusing him of not being concerned enough (about her)

Read his post on page 3. Of course he's concerned.

things to note for building a new healthy relationship with someone else if they break up.

Again, the assumption it's his problem. He could well meet someone new who is more sexually compatible who has no complaints.