Disappointed with your sex life Part 3

[lemonade]

A new thread for us. I'll see you here instead of at Part 2.

62% of divorces are because of me personally? Wow, that's a frightening statistic - what did I do exactly?

hmm... i didn't quite write that properly, did I?
What i meant to say was that the statistics indicate that 62% of children under 16 have sepparated parents (i.e divorced).
if you were to have a 'fling' with someone it is very possible you'd get found out and DW would presumambly leave (the worst case scenario).
then ds would end up with parents living sepparately and would be part of the above statistic. does this make any sense?
basically, you don't want to end your family life, especially because of your own fault.

PS Do let us know if you do do anything, will you??!! With lots of details please

Hi, everyone! I'm finally back on-line! I've read through the messages that have been posted since the beginning of August, but I need to re-read them. I'll do that tomorrow. Then I'll say "hello" properly. Thanks for missing me, I've missed you all, too! l xx

Hi Lemonade, welcome back. Look forward to hearing from you tomorrow.

Strewth, where do I start?! Hello again everyone. I've decided on a name change. It's not lemonade any more, it's newstart. It doesn't refer only to my relationship with dh, but to my life in general. I feel that I need to let go of lemonade and move on.

Titania - Hi! Thanks for getting in touch. I did feel as though I was on a desert island without even a pencil, paper and bottle, so I was very pleased to hear from you. Thanks again.
I think that sometimes couples need to agree limits on activities or hobbies that take us away from our family, whether it's golf, football matches (home or away) or weights. Then both parties know what the other one thinks is acceptable and it's easier to talk about it. For example, if 3 hours of golf a week is thought reasonable, but there's a golf tournament on, then 2 or 3 week's worth of golf 'allowance' can be put together for one weekend, but no golf for the next 2 weeks. It sounds really clumsy written down, but that's one idea. It's not easy to talk about things up front, but I think it's easier in the long run. A friend of mine has got this problem at the moment and her dh is out partying and working all hours and she's at home with a new baby. It's putting such a strain on her and on their relationship. Take care of yourself. ns xx

gettingthere - How are you? We're here for the good days, the not so good, everything. If you want to talk, we'll listen and try to support and help if we can. I haven't spoken to you for ages, so I'm looking forward to hearing from you. ns xx

REB - Thanks for making me smile! I love your sense of humour! I've been reading your posts while I was away. You teased Branster at one point, you rotter! I hope she's got you sussed for what you are!
On a more serious note....I'm sorry that things aren't any better for you. I've got nothing new to suggest, so I'll just send you some hugs.

newstart - how are you? I love the new positive name and hope that it means that things are going well with you and your dh. Are you both getting back on track?

My dh is away at the moment. He phones every day and tells me he loves me and misses me. I don't know what to reply.

icemaiden - Hi! Just a quick post as I've got to free up the phone line.
I'm glad you like my new name. I think I've realised how lucky I am. I still have a long way to go with my relationship with dh, but it's up to me (and him) to do the best we can.
I think you're very lucky that he rings and says that he loves you. Of course, that puts you in a horrible position if you don't know if you love him, or if you know that you don't. I don't feel love for dh and I want to build it again. As for your reply, I would say for it to be honest, but as kindly as possible. To say that that's how you're feeling at this moment in time, but also whether you want it to stay that way or not. For example "I don't know what I feel just now. I was in love with you before, and I want to feel that again. I'll need your help to do it. Please bear with me and see me through this. Our future is together." That's only an example of a situation, of course, your situation may be completely different to that.
What you said previously about relationships being all lust or passion and then nothing is common to lots of us. It is much harder to sustain a relationship when there's the daily grind of work, housework, etc. I think all the usual advice about going out together regularly and spending time without the children is good, although I've run a mile from that in the past. I'm going to sound out babysitters and then I'll make arrangements for us to go out, say once a month. I can see our children are examining our behaviour to each other and they're always asking us when we'll go out together. Knowing that our relationship will probably affect their idea of their future ones is a sobering thought.
I'm also trying to stop bearing grudges from years ago. It doesn't do any good. I've decided to speak up for myself more in the future and not accept being taken for granted, etc, as and when the occasions arise that it happens. I'm trying to look for the positives in him and not endlessly in my mind, going over the negatives. I'm going on too much, so I'll go. Take care.

Oh, no! I've killed the thread! Whoops! Sorry.

no you haven't news, it's been quiet for a while - i think some of us, well, maybe me, have sort of given up honey

REB - Hi, there! It's good to hear from you again (I've been away for so long), but I'm sorry that things haven't improved for you. I wish I could help.

Fwiw, I think you're a great guy and some of your comments give me a good giggle. You tease Branster rotten sometimes and you've clearly got a great sense of humour. I still think of your "plumping cushion" comment from way back! Hang on in there, REB. xx

Plumping cushion???

REB, don't give up please. I really don't know what to suggest though. I should be full of suggestions as I am in the "other position", so should be able to say what might work, but as I don't know your dw I'm lost.

I guess I know what you want to happen (a return to a loving relationship with dw), but what do you think will happen - what do you see when you look, one, two, ten years down the line? ( no need to answer if you don't want, just thinking aloud really).

I agree with newstart though, you sound like a really nice guy.

icemaiden - Yep! As I remember it, REB deliberately read into a posting a double entendre of sorts and (in just a few words) set the scene by plumping cushions ready for a female person to visit! He's got a lovely, wicked, sense of humour!

newstart, thanks for your wise words last night. you sound determined to be positive and make a real go of your relationship with your dh, it's nice to see such determination and I hope dh responds in the right way and that it works out for you. Keep us posted.

I think part of my problem is that I have closed myself up too much now and find it impossible to open up again. Even if I need a hug, or quick cuddle in bed, I can't bring myself to make a move. I need to work out how to stop being so damn uptight!!!

icemaiden - Hi! Thank you for saying that, I was afraid I might have said completely the wrong thing.

Your second paragraph sounds just I was and still am, mostly. I would jump back if touched, with a look of horror on my face, I'm sure, as I'm hopeless at hiding my feelings. So.....I can appreciate fully how you feel. I found that it helped to imagine life without dh ie a divorced/separated scenario, and then look back to what we could make of what we have.

I'm writing lots and deleting it, so I'll go. It is hard, I know. Take care.

newstart, no need to delete anything! I'll read anything, don't worry about how it sounds! If it comes to you, best to get it down. xx

icemaiden - Thanks. I'm my own worst enemy in that I criticise myself way too much. I check what I write lots of times, looking at it from every angle incase it sounds wrong or might give the wrong impression. I need to ease up on myself. [woeful smile]

gettingthere - We haven't heard from you for a while. How are you? xx

eveming all - you're all being awfully nice - i do recall a bit of flirt-style banter, though the "plumping cushions" thing was to infer me getting comfortable waiting for someone to elaborate on a story....having said that i'm open to suggestions.

Things have been easier since i've accepted that our relationship isn't close or physical, the two being very close bedfellows for me. I miss that, and sometimes when, rarely, she wants a hug, or a little warmth, i hav e to pull away, selfishly, because i start thinking what ifs.

As for a years time, or ten years time i'll just be that much older, and still in love. What frightems me is that she will be less in love, and i'll lose her to someone who can make her happy, which, of course, i should want, because her being happy is what i want, but more than that i want to be that one.

I'm rambling, cold drinks may have been involved in the composition of this post.

Oh God - you still remember that?? And I never elaborated did I?
For those not in at part one, I mentioned that things got better with my dh after a particularly boozy evening with another couple. REB has obviously been waiting in anticipation ever since .
W/o going into TOOO much detail, my situation was the same as many of yours, with us not knowing how too put things right. Icemaiden - you say you don't know how to "break the ice" - a few/ a lot of drinks help to relax both of you and can help one of you to make the first move.

In our case - the first move was made with the opposite member of the other couple!!! We were so pxxxxd - and it was rather nice to know someone else fancied me! (we didn't go THAT far by the way - but we had a good time ). When we got back home my dh was all over me - and things have improved ever since. We still have bad times - had one a couple of weeks ago - but at least we are talking better now and sex is back on the agenda!!!

Okay I'm not suggesting any of you do this, but a nice dinner, a few drinks, a bit of effort from both of you, and who know???

Newstart (takes some getting used to!) - glad you have decided not to be a doormat any more - I suggested that one in Part 1, and its working for me (he doesn't like it though!).

Nice to hear from you all again - glad this thread is alive and kicking - still! - never know when I might need it again as one thing I've learnt - relationships have to be worked at (hope I don't sound too "holier that thou" - don't mean to!!!)

Hi, everyone. I'll be back here to say a proper hello to you next week. No time now. ns xx

Hi, things ok here, will post more later as have to pop out.

Titania - how are things with you?

Titania - Hello. I've been following your recent thread and I want to say that I'm thinking of you. I think you're getting really good advice on that thread. I feel lost for words. Sorry. Please take care. ns xxxx

Hello to everyone else, especially to gettingthere who we haven't heard from for a while. ns xx

newstart - hiya - I've just realised who you were!! so hello.

I've been feeling low so haven't been on for a while but things are (maybe) looking up now

How are you doing??

gettingthere - Hello! I tried to post a message to you last night, but dh kept appearing so I had to vanish. It's really good to hear from you again, though I'm sorry that you've not been feeling too good. Is it anything that I/we can talk over with you? If you'd rather not, that's fine too. If you'd like to CAT me, please do. As for me, I've been finding it hard since the school term began again. So much to remember and get used to. I'm also trying to tidy up the house and spend less time on MN. I'm trying to dip in and only keep up with a few threads. Bye for now. Take care, ns

icemaiden - Hi! Whenever I think of your name, it brings to mind an ice sculpture of a lady in Roman type garb with bare feet (brrrr) and long hair. I just thought I'd share that with you! How are you?

bobs - Hi, good to hear from you! Yes, relationships do have to be worked at and sometimes you're so tired with work or the house or children or family, that it goes on the back burner and suffers as a result. I'm glad you pop in and see us! Thanks!

REB - I feel terribly guilty for thinking the worst of you with regard to the "plumping cushions"! Sorry! How are you?

Titania - I'm following your other thread. No advice to give. Please take care. ns xx